TDWF: Trans-Dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation

TDWF Announcement

2009-05-29T00:40:00.000-07:00

Months I'm to lazy to count since the last episode...It has come to this...

“Okay seriously what the frack is up with you morons?!!” SY protested, “We’ve posted on like five kaiju websites, Ben read them off!”

“Yes ma’am, I mean sir!” Ben said.

“Don’t humor him,” Jesse muttered.

“Kaiju Kingdom, Tohokingdom, Godzilla Universe, KaijuHQ!” Ben said.

“That’s four,” Falco said.

“No its not,” SY taunted.

“Yeah it is,” Falco taunted back.

“No it isn’t,” SY said, sticking his tongue out.

“Yeah it is,” Falco calmly said.

“No it isn’t!” SY shouted, “2 + 2 = 5 because SY says it is so!”

“No he doesn’t,” Falco said.

“Yes he does, he just said he does,” SY said.

“No…he DOESN’T!!” Falco said, holding out a lime to SY’s face.

SY went running off screaming like a little girl while Falco snickered. “Now why didn’t I think of that,” Jesse asked.

“Because you are an idiot,” Falco said.

“Anyway,” Ben said.

“Yes…We do have a point to this story,” Falco said, “Agent get back here!”

SY/Agent walked back in. “Look to you our great and awesome Lord-Emperor-God-Kaiser,” Agent said, “SY…No…We mean KaijuHQ, it’s the place we started. Thank you for advertising us so illustriously.

“Alas, when we (which really translates to me hence AGENTx95.blogspot.com) wrote this I wanted one simple thing. I didn’t want fans pouring in to request kaiju custom fights or a detailed storyline critique. Little theory tabs like on Lostpedia, or people tracking my blog. Though all four would be nice. I wanted one thing: a comment. A review. We posted on four (though technically speaking KaijuHQ and Kaiju Kingdom are the same, sort of) websites. I emailed people. I got ZILCH. What gives man?”

“If its awful just tell us! If its good tell us!” Jesse yelled, “If its to complex tell us!”

“While it may not seem like it,” Falco said, “There actually is a story arc to it all! But if no one comments what’s the point of coming to its conclusion?!!”

“Yeah, we had the Return of Shaw storyline then the epic conclusion to it all,” Ben said.

“Wait…You had Shaw return but not me??!” SY snapped.

“You shuddupa!” Falco said, putting his hand over SY’s mouth.

“And then there was the heavily debated seasons six through nine which was another story arc,” Agent said, “But that depended on the ratings of the stories…

Which there are none of…I thank my classmates for their critique of my work. But its not nearly as important as the one community I know I should be a part of besides just you guys. That community is that of kaiju fandom. If the TDWF is offensive to you guys just tell me. Personally, I think I’ve come along way from those crappy stories I wrote in seventh grade, you can still read those on KaijuHQ.”

“I helped on those!” Falco shouted.

“Indeed,” Agent said.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the kaiju community. We know we didn’t get off on the right foot,” Jesse said, “I speak for my character’s creator here, not the man I was based off of. But I really detest the silent treatment. I really do. I love to write, I love kaiju, and I love parody. When did the TDWF go wrong?”

“So we issue this challenge, if anyone at all reads this blog,” Agent said, “Someone post on the topic a quasi-detailed opinion of the TDWF and I’ll let you guys be the judge…Please be honest. I can take criticism. You have until July 31st to submit your opinion or you can kiss us goodbye because I won’t waste my time with silent critics…

Oh yeah…And if you don’t review…I’ll kill Benny!”

“You bastard,” Falco muttered.

SY clicked a gun at Ben’s head, “You’d think I’d be used to this by now,” Ben muttered.

“AH NO BLOOD NO GUTS!” Stormhalt ran away screaming.

“When did he get here?” Falco asked.

“I have no idea,” Jesse said.

“We should cut back on characters,” Falco said.

“Seconded,” Jesse said.

“I’ve thought about it myself,” Agent said, “Sorry Will and Kev, but you twose are going bye-bye…It will be as if you never existed…I hope you two as writers understand why.”
“BECAUSE ITS CONFUSING HAVING SO MANY PEOPLE!!!” Ben shouted.

“Yes,” Agent said, “So…basically…my fellow G-fans…Respond to my topics, subscribe to my blog, or email me (its on KaijuHQ). Just give me some hint that I’m not just posting random shit that nobody looks at unless I grovel at their feet like a kid at a candy store…”

“All we want is a true opinion no matter how negative it might be, just tell us…” Jesse said.
“Please,” Falco said.

“Or we’ll kill Ben,” SY snickered.

“I really don’t think the death of a fictional character, especially one like Ben, is of any real concern to anyone,” Jesse said.

“Shut up!” SY shouted.

The fate of the TDWF is in your hands, respond by July 31st 2009 AD to save it…

Untitled [work in progress]

2009-05-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, today, or tomorrow
I confess to you, I am not sure
But I finally told her how felt
And the day was something of a blur

She listened, she but did not care
She wanted nothing to do with me
I was crushed, to be denied by love
The voice in my head said ‘move on’

I lay in my room, head on the bed
I wonder what I did wrong, did I?
Time for a nap, that will get me over
Then the doors opened beneath my feet.

Prismatic and Corrosive colors
All surround me and inside of me
The choirs of devils and angels sing
I don’t know what to say really

The colors cloud my right eye, then left
The choir is sickening to my ears
A tear drop falls from my eye down
It ignites the bottomless floor

Cold fires fuel around my being
Flames extend out and grab my feet
Then they turn to ice, holding me down
Colors swath and stampede down my throat

I want to move but I can’t budge
Colors now swarm with in my body
The choir continues cruel beat
It becomes far too much to bare

Colors left my dazed being
I began to spin like a crazy top
Nine thousand and fourteen spins
Then I went the other way
The colors danced around me

RED
ORANGE
YELLOW
GREEN
CYAN
BLUE
VIOLET

Black and white
The colors disappeared for a second

RED
ORANGE
YELLOW
GREEN
CYAN
BLUE
VIOLET

Black and white

RED
ORANGE
YELLOW
GREEN
CYAN
BLUE
VIOLET

Black and white…I lost track of the spins…

RED
ORANGE
YELLOW
GREEN
CYAN
BLUE
VIOLET

Black and white…I couldn’t take much more of this!

RED
ORANGE
YELLOW
GREEN
What was holding me back?
BLUE
VIOLET

Black and white!

My emotions were what was holding me back. No longer could I keep them secret nor let those that were secret hold me back. I broke free!

YELLOW
GREEN
BLUE
VIOLET
The colors subsided as the choir began to slow.
No longer did anything have any rhyme or rhythm in this cruel world.

The whirlpool of colors began to condense and form into something.
A snake.
A tempter.
The creature that used emotions against us.
A big, fat, snake.
The snake moved forward towards me.
It showed me images of my love.

The snake enveloped me in its quixotic cascade of colors.
There it formed into a clear crystal shard, with me in the middle.
My love’s image kept coming back into my head.

The choir played softly in the back
Decrescendo
Decrescendo
Ritardando
Decrescendo
Nothing...

I realized that my love
The one who had denied me
Was not my love
A sudden burst of staccato startled me

Their song had ended
So should mine and her’s
The crystal splintered open
I was free

The colors took me up as wings sprouted from my back
I was a happy butterfly in a vortex
I flew back to the world of the living.
I was renewed with hope

And now I was ready to move on
To tackle the next day
Which ever one it was…

TDWF 16

2008-11-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

TDWF 16: Vacation before Escalation

It has been quiet a while since Ctògó invaded to place SY on trial for his crimes. Since then Agent has gotten a body all to himself, SY received the body of the insane celebrity David Tennant, and Señor Traitor Fluffy Univac is now in control of the TDWF’s computers.

A period of peace is in store for our valiant heroes. Finally with some R&R on their hands, the heroes can finally get down to business. However in the deepest regions of the Galaxy a spaceship has been activated, it’s Captain: an old nemesis, and its destination: The Earth.

“Where’s Agent?!!” Falco said.

“He’s off filming a spinoff movie,” Jesse said.

“Really?” Falco said.

“Yeah,” Jesse said.

“Lucky,” Falco said.

“Hey how come Agent gets his own spinoff movie?” Ben whined, “I want my own spinoff movie!”

“It’s cause we’re human isn’t it?” Kevin said.

“Probably,” Jesse said.

“In other news,” Will said, “David Tennant makes his directorial debut: in SY the movie staring Eric ‘Agent’ Augustine of TDWF fame.”

“Whose Eric?” Ben asked.

“Actually Tennant has directed an episode of Doctor Who: Confidential,” Ben said.

“His first director debut in a movie and with the mind of Dark Lord SY,” Will said.

“Quiet right,” Jesse said.

“Look the point is that SY and Agent are busy making a movie,” Falco said.

“Exactly,” Jesse said.

“So when is Agent getting back?” Kevin asked.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Jesse said.

“How can you say that he’s the chairman?!” Will asked.

“Actually I’m the chairman when Agent isn’t around, so technically I am,” Falco said.

“I say that because Agent attracts trouble like a bloody magnet,” Jesse said.

“I miss Agent,” Ben said.

“I thought we were like supposed have John Barrowman and Vin Diesel as guest stars,” Kevin said.

“Another episode maybe,” Will said.

“Should we start the first match?” Falco asked.

“We’re only two pages in,” Kevin said, “We never start this early.”

“Then what we can talk about?” Will asked.

“Who’d make a movie of this show?” Jesse asked.

“I would,” Falco said.

“Shut up,” Jesse snapped.

“I found a piece of shrapnel from Ctògó’s ship!” Ben said, holding up a piece of metal.

“Yes, yes that’s great and all,” Jesse said, shoving his hand in Ben’s face.

“I think we should remind the viewers at home who has made it to the Tournament of Champions thus far: Godzilla, SpaceGodzilla, and Legion I believe,” Will said.

Kevin looked through the list, “Yes, that is correct,” he said, “Now to figure out who the kaiju are for today.”“Does it matter?” Jesse asked.

“Yes, we don’t want to use the same kaiju over and over again,” Kevin said.

“I think we should do political commentary,” Will said.

“Uh…none of us know anything about politics,” Ben said.

“I do,” Will said.

“Give us your best then,” Jesse said.

“How about that Sarah Palin? Who’d elect an Alaskan? Who cares about that state nobody even knows where it is?! It’s somewhere down by Mexico and everyone always complains and whines about the heat, do we really need that? Blood Alaskans trying to infest the White House,” Will said.

“HEY!!!” Jesse, Falco, and Ben shouted.

“What’s wrong with Alaska?” Jesse asked, smacking Will upside the head.

“Wait,” Falco said, he turned to face Ben, “You’re not from Alaska! You’re a kiwi!”

“Yeah but Agent isn’t here so I’m filling in for him,” Ben said.

“Agent isn’t from Alaska; he’s from the Planet Cygnus IV!” Falco retorted, “He just says he’s from Alaska because he lived there for seven years before starting the TDWF.”

“And the first match of the day!” Will shouted.

Varan vs. Varan

“Wait…that can’t be right,” Kevin said.

“Then fix it, quickly!” Jesse said.

“I…I can’t find the kaiju roster!” Kevin said, fumbling through some files.

“Mach schnel, mach schnel du hessliche dumkopf!” Jesse said.

Kevin scrambled through the file cabinet, trying to find the match-ups for today’s show. “Um…ah…” Kevin said.

“Just run the trailer for Agent’s new movie,” Falco said.

“Why?” Will asked, “It’s already in theaters!”

“Ugh, this show is getting so disorganized,” Jesse said, “Let’s just jump the shark and get it over with.”

“A-ha!” Kevin proclaimed.

Varan vs. Godzalla*

“The asterisk refers to the fact that this is the Godzilla the Series Godzilla, rather than the abomination that was 1998’s Godzilla,” Kevin said.

“This term was coined on Godzilla Universe,” Ben said.

“The stories on the site intern inspired the TDWF,” Falco said.

“Right,” Jesse said.

“I thought it was the KWF that inspired the TDWF,” Will whispered.

“Shush,” Jesse said.

Varan rose out of the water and slowly walked on to the land, the little sand particles all quivering underneath his massive weight. The giant monitor lizard-dragon-porcupine-whatever-thing sniffed the air trying to find his opponent, but there was no scent.

“And the winner is Varan once again,” Varan said, raising his arms in victory and flying just slightly off the ground, Varan then impersonated a crowd cheering for him.

“Va-ran! Va-ran! Va-ran!” Varan cheered himself on.

“Turn that thing off,” Jesse snapped.

Ben shut off the Kaiju-telepathy enhancer device thingy, Varan suddenly went mute. “But I want to hear them!” Ben retorted.

“Fine,” Jesse said, “Keep it on, but it creeps people out sometimes to hear them thinking.”

“YEAH!” Varan shouted, throwing kisses at nonexistent fans.

Suddenly, a green flame ray shot up blasting Varan out of the air. Godzalla rose out of the water and roared triumphantly. But Varan would not be stopped so easily, the kaiju stood back up and slashed Godzalla with his tail spikes. But another flame ray came up blasting Varan in the face. Varan coughed some before falling over…

1…2…3!!! Godzalla wins!

“I’m bored!” Ben proclaimed.

“Hi Bored,” Jesse said, “My name is Jesse.”

“I just want to get to Season Five already,” Falco whined.

“Well we have to get through Season Four,” Will said.

“Yes, there are things in this Season’s story arc that are necessary in Season Five,” Jesse said.

“And in Season Six,” Kevin added.

“Shhhh,” Falco said.

Suddenly a loud beeping sound was heard, reverberating throughout TDWF Tower. “What is that?” Will asked, covering his ears.

“Yes I’d quiet like to know that as well,” Kevin said.

“That would be the Story Arc,” Jesse said.

“But what is it really?” Falco said.

Ben hit a button on the control console in front of him, “That is the LRDSR,” Ben said

“LRDSR?” Will asked, “That’s almost as bad an anagram as TDWF!”

“Acronym,” Falco corrected.

“Right, bad an acronym as TDWF,” Will said.

“Ewww…” Kevin repeated.

“Shut up!” Jesse said.

“Hey!” Kevin said, “At least I don’t look like an armadillo!”

“Hey!” Jesse said.

“Anyways….” Will said.

“LRDSR,” Ben said, “Long Range Deep Space Radar.”

“Why would we need that??” Falco said.

“In case some alien decides to try to blow us up this season,” Ben said, plugging the device in.

“Wait, didn’t we have this conversation already,” Will asked.

“Probably,” Falco said.

“Shows how lazy the writer has become,” Jesse said.

“So why is that thing beeping,” Falco asked.

“It’s beeping because it’s detected a spaceship headed for us,” Ben said.

“By any chance is it from NASA,” Will asked.

“Well yeah that’s always a possibility but I highly, I repeat, highly doubt that NASA would be in possession of a spaceship that is similar in structure to the one Shaw used to invade with in Season Two,” Ben said.

“But it is possible,” Will asked.

“Yes,” Ben said, “But like I said, I highly doubt it.”

“In that case,” Jesse said, “I suggest we disregard it, and move on with another plot to prove our ignorance.”

“I concur,” Falco said, “When is it due to reach orbit?”

“Episode Three,” Ben said, “This Season.”

“Oh boy,” Will said.

“Look,” Jesse said, “Let’s just get on with the next fight, hmmm? We can expound upon this story arc in the next episode.”

“Darn filler episodes,” Kevin muttered.

Gorosaurus vs. Oodako

Gorosaurus walked into the arena and announced his presence with a thunderous roar, which we will not translate, because we are generally lazy. The giant tyrannosaur studied the arena closely for his opponent, but the super-cephalopod was nowhere to be seen. Of course Gorosaurus had been scouring the land, as he was a land kaiju; his opponent however, was a sea kaiju.

Realizing this Gorosaurus peered into the nearby blue hole for his opponent, suddenly the giant octopus leapt forward, smashing shut the giant jaws of the savage dinosaur kaiju. Gorosaurus struggled to open his mouth but it was to no avail, as the giant cephalopod would not let go.

“What the?” Jesse said, squinting and looking out the window.

“Is that…” Will said.

“A cheeseburger?” Ben asked.

“No,” Jesse snapped.

“A beach ball?” Kevin suggested.

“No,” Falco said, “I see it too.”

“It’s a helicopter,” Will noted.

“Who’d drive out here?” Ben asked.

“You mean fly,” Falco said, “Well I can think of one person…”

“Please let it not be who I think it is,” Jesse said.

Gorosaurus suddenly threw Oodako upward with a thrust of his head, smashing into the helicopter. Its pilot fell to the ground with a noticeable thud. Gorosaurus took note of this but after he saw the pilot dust himself off and calmly walk to the tower. Gorosaurus then did a back flip kick and sent Oodako flying off the island, but the dinosaur was far from being over. Gorosaurus then stuck his tail out and sent Oodako back to him.

The dexterous dinosaur caught the mammoth mollusk in his mouth and crushed down, causing Oodako to spray ink everywhere. He then dropped his opponent and placed one foot on top. 1…2…3!!! Gorosaurus wins!

“Doorbell,” Fluffy said, his near mechanical voice resounding throughout TDWF Tower, he then repeated, “Doorbell. Doorbell. Doorbell.”

“Was it really wise to put one of Agent’s personalities inside of the computers?” Jesse asked.

“No wiser than putting the other in David Tennant’s body,” Falco said.

“True,” Jesse said.

“Someone going to answer the freaking door?” Fluffy asked.

“I’ll get it,” Will said.

“Probably that pilot,” Ben said, “It looked as if I won’t be the only one dying this season.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Kevin asked.

“Nothing,” Ben said.

Will hit the button for the elevator and travelled down the 15 stories to the basement, realizing what he had done he pressed 1, and came to ground level. He stepped out and turned a corner to see that the bulkhead front door of TDWF Tower had been clean ripped off. Suddenly a flicker of something bleach-white caught Will’s eyes. He turned to it and studied it, it was a tail. A skeletal tail ending in a fine scythe of bone, or some such material that looked texturally and colorly similar to bone. Suddenly the tail twitched and its owner revealed himself. Steam rippled off of his shoulders, abdomen, and fists; hair smoked and fell out, and the eyes, the eyes burnt with the fury of a Hellish blue sun. Slowly the fists unlocked and the heat energy subsided. Will addressed the individual, “Agent??!”

Agent turned to address his friend and his eyes subsided to their regular sky blue coloration. “Yes it is me!” Agent proclaimed.

“You’re not due back for another episode,” Will said.

“I know,” Agent said, suddenly falling over backward and falling asleep.

Will quickly ran to his friend and examined him, he realized that Agent had two compound fractures in his chest, as well as a broken arm, and a shattered foot, his tail was perfectly fine. Will suddenly hit the intercom button, “Guys I think we need a doctor!”
“Who? Colin Baker, Tom, Peter Davison, Sylvester McCoy, or Paul McGann,” Ben asked.

“Shut up,” Jesse said, “Now which one of us was supposed to be the doctor of the crew?”

“By crew you mean commentators, right?” Kevin asked.

“Yes,” Jesse snapped.

“You are,” Falco said.

“I am?” Jesse said, startled.

“Yes,” Falco said, “Now go down there and help out Eric. And now on to SMURF!”

Down in the SMURF Closet…

“I rented it all out for storage space,” Stormhalt said, “at least in here; I’ll be nice and safe…My old office that is.”

Stormhalt moved some objects around so that he could face the camera better, but it didn’t do much good as it was a closet with not much room. “This is SMURF: Stupid Moronic Ubsurd Rambunctious Fights,” Stormhalt proclaimed, “And now for the first and perhaps last fight of the day!”

There was a moment of silence as drums rolled and pulsated in the background. “The fight is betweeeeeennn…” Stormhalt said, suspensefully, “Oh I’ve got chills running up and down my spine.”

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

“Those aren’t monsters!” Kevin proclaimed.

“They aren’t?” Stormhalt quivered.

The fight began as the familiar bum-da-da-bump-bump, da-da-bump-bump of the Indiana Jones theme played. But it was quickly ended when Solo shot the record player. Surprisingly the two just stared at each other for a moment and were not in the least bit interested in fighting with one another.

Suddenly…

“And we will be taking you back to this amazing fight later on,” Falco said, “But for right now, we’re going to focus on Agent.”

Agent was being rushed into the medical room, which wasn’t exactly to deal with inexplicable tail growth, as was the case with Agent. It was however equipped to deal with the numerous broken bones the commentator had suffered though. Jesse shouted, “Give me five grams of Nitro stat!”

“Nitro, as in Nitrogen or Nitroglycerin or Sodium Nitrate?” Kevin asked.

“I don’t know Doctors in these TV shows always shout out something, I’m not sure what it is I can never understand them,” Jesse said, trying to give Agent an IV needle.

“Then watch ER more!” Kevin said, trying to help, as he was a licensed doctor as well.

“I know,” Jesse said, “Why’d they have to end such an awesome show?!”

“And for the record,” Kevin said, “I have a Nursing degree in Psychiatry!”

“Will you shut up!” Agent said, growling his teeth falling out and fangs growing out in their place.

“Not if you keep on squirming,” Jesse said, holding the Needle closer and closer to Agent’s arm.

“DON’T TOUCH ME WITH THAHAHAHAT-T-T-T-T!!!” Agent said, suddenly squirming upward.

Agent’s eyes glimmered to their blue sun level and then to a red sun. Claws dug into the bed and blood gushed from Agent’s mouth as his teeth fell out. A long forked tongue dangled out, suddenly elbow spikes shot out, a cracking sound was heard. Suddenly, Agent’s tail lashed out and smashed Jesse into the heart rate monitor, causing a brief electrical disturbance throughout all of TDWF Tower.

“And the winner is!” Stormhalt interjected.

1…2…3!!! Rick Deckard wins!!!!

Agent chuckled and tried to stand up but was being held down by Kevin. Finally Agent began to burn red and smoke began rising from his clothes, as if they were being burnt. Suddenly, a dart shot out from nowhere and pierced Agent’s neck, injecting just enough tranquilizer to knock him out.

Jesse struggled to pull his head out of the heart rate monitor. He dusted himself off and chuckled, “Looks like SY tried to make a come back.”

“That’s not SY,” Falco said, “That’s something new…”

To be continued…

“WAIT!!! WAIT!!!” Will said, “What about the final battle?!!!”

“Um…” Falco said.

1…2…3!!! GODZALLA WINS!!!!

SY

2008-10-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

SY
The Pseudoautobiography
A spinoff from the TV smash hit TDWF!!

So it began the greatest adventure this side of the Universe has ever had to offer. Don’t you just wonder where it all began? It begins with me. Now I suppose your asking yourself ‘who are you’ and ‘what do you have to do with this epic?’ Simply put, I am the greatest of all entities.

I am Dark Lord SY born Augustus, July 31st Galactic Standard Year 2215. That’s 1535 years ago by your Earthly standards. I suppose that makes me at the very least 475 years old, according to your Earth years. The difference isn’t all that much 365 Days equals one Earth year, 350 Days equals one GS year. Its just two weeks, and I’m too lazy to actually do the math involved. The point is that I’m much older and much more important than you are.

But to understand my story you must go back much further, much, much further. In the beginning our Galaxy was made by a being named Zarius-Medalar, an Elder of the Universe and the creator of this Galaxy. However there was a problem, Zarius-Medalar’s younger brother, Abaddon tainted the Galaxy, as he was jealous of it. This led to the introduction of evil and evil things, like myself, into the Galaxy. For punishment Abaddon was sent to live amongst the mortals.

Abaddon quickly rose to power becoming the first space lord. He adopted the title of Lord Terror. Abaddon, or Terror, managed to conquer the Galaxy. He was the devil, or so they say, and now he was in charge of the entire Galaxy. Of course then his right hand man Ctògó betrayed him and conquered the Galaxy for himself. No one knows what happened to Terror, he probably died.

Of course, this is what Terror would like you to think, even Ctògó is said to believe it for some odd reason. But the truth is I am the one sent by the Elders. Not Terror or Abaddon or what the deuce his name is. Therefore I am the God, not anyone else, I am the one between the Elders and the Mortals, I am both, and I am neither, for I am superior.

My story began on the planet of Cygnus 4, continent of Badgergoaway (I’m still not sure what it’s named after), district of Woptora, and the city of Maven. In an orphanage called the Cordo. I don’t know the Elders that birthed me but I am certain it rests somewhere between the lineage of Barcalathanazen or Arxtethzenzen, the brothers bold.

Now in the Cordo, life was dull until one day I stumbled into the kitchen. I remember I was 7 years old. I remember this so clearly because it was during the Hurgwaballaballaballa crossing, as I was watching it on the TV the previous night with my bunkmates Scruff and Tuttempop.

Back to the story, who cares about the Hurgwaballaballaballa? Damn extra-galactic termites! So I found what would be come my best friend. They called it Karrsh; I suppose to you it would resemble a large curved machete or some such knife. In any case it was used to decapitate the Spamels we used to eat at the Cordo. I grabbed it; the knife was easily as tall as I was.

Another kid was with me, her name was Peraal. I drew the knife, one thing led to another and well…Let’s just say that it wasn’t my best cut, but it was nonetheless a successful one. I distinctly remember the cold adrenaline rush that came along with it. I’d never felt anything like it before, but I would certainly feel it again.

My caretaker, Zatrey, her name was, rushed in as soon as she heard the distinctive sound of metal being grinded against metal. By that point I had been poking the warm blood that had seeped onto the floor with my hands, it was gooey. Much more so than water ever had been.

The blade still was in my other hand; I was to in awe to use it again at that moment. Zatrey scolded me and called me a bad boy. What did I care, the whole thing just zoomed by past that, I don’t even remember it. I know they couldn’t charge me with any crime. Thanks to Ctògóian law you can’t charge anything under the age of 12 with a crime. Such I was deemed ‘to young to understand’, though I understood what I had done, a perfect understanding. I liked it…

But I knew that I would have to be quiet about this if I ever tried to do it again. I knew Zatrey would try to kill me the first chance she got. So I laid low for a few years, watching Senator Refiluc Atsan try to clean up the Hurgwaballaballaballa crossing. He wouldn’t succeed until I was in my twenties, of course I didn’t know that then.

It was when I was 9 at a Carnival in Capricorn City that I decided to have my fortune told. I was young and bored, I had money to spend, and I never believe these things. The Clairvoyant I saw was a Mycomorph, she was red, kind of odd, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. She grabbed my hand, her pulsating hands closing in around mine. I felt that same rush again, was she to be my next victim. But she spoke calmly in an almost inaudible hissing monotone yell. Too this day I still try to decipher her words, “You are Augustus. Yes, I see you are destined for many, many great things. But the spark is there…Oh-ho yes, the spark of insanity. The Slasher of many you will become. When you try to conquer the Titans your mind will be your own undoing, until then you must rest for three seasons. Then you will awake to face the king himself, after this you will die.”

At the lines ‘you will die’ I was seriously considering to kill her but she continued, “But then you will return in the most unlikely of places. From there your destiny will be fulfilled and you must engage you, yourself, the other you, and finally your soul. Who wins this battle of four will determine the safety of the Galaxy, and indeed the Universe. Go forth King Augustus your destiny will unfold tonight.”

From that point on I knew I was destined for greatness, the Clairvoyant handed me a knife. She and I both knew what to do with it. I smiled and left her, I have yet to meet her again, if she is even alive. But that night I murdered two more people, the joy was amazing, I was enlightened while they faced damnation for bringing on my wrath (for they were mocking me about what I had heard). That night Zatrey tried to kill me, but I managed to remove her skull before she even had the chance.

From that point on I was moved to the moon of Qou. You wanna know what Qou is like? Qou sucks, its cold, its covered in Cactus filled Taiga, and there are huge herds of Eltrix and Morgolo. Now the latter is good for eating but if you stare down an Eltrix long enough they’ll spit teeth at you. Each one of an Eltrix throwing teeth (they’re like sharks that way) has .01 Grams of Hemotoxin AB inside, that’s enough to numb you for two weeks. Still you mix an Eltrix Tooth with a Pinetoon Seed you can make Ziltzijag sauce, which is fun. So I guess Qou has its ups, but mostly downs.

Now the fun part about this was I was 9, so I still couldn’t be charged. Everyone began calling me the Slashing Youth, I was a regular celebrity. But it was fun because I would still legally get away with anything. So I regularly brandished my knife when ever I felt like it. You know the thing was that I liked the nickname, so much so that I adopted it AS my name. Or the initials rather, hence Lord SY.

So my reign of terror commenced, I enjoyed it. I had complete freedom from the law but had to undergo several of those damnable psych-therapy things. I was perfectly sane; in fact I had an IQ thrice that of my fellow orphans. I also enjoyed eating BLTs in my spare time.

But I soon (I think I was 10, I’m not sure any more) experienced defeat. I had sneaked (or is it snuck) into a Lime Plantation. I had planned to kill the owner (as the orphanage had been giving us out as free workers to him) so I snuck in to his bedroom. Suddenly he heard me, I crept back out.

He grabbed his Sonikgun and investigated outside. I crept on top of a Lime oil drum and prepared to asphyxiate the bastard, but he turned around and shot the drum. I fell over as the spilling liquid covered me. The creep smiled for he knew who I was through reputation. So I light a firecracker and tossed it passed him and straight into the Lime fields. This ignited the entire field, I cackled, the laugh last was mine. While he had disgraced me by covering me with the foul oil; I had killed his livelihood. He then shot me with the Sonikgun in the leg, shattering it in three places. I embraced the pain and smiled. You want to know the secret of pain? If you stop feeling it, you can start using it.

After I crawled away I was placed into the hospital. It was here that I met my best enemy: Guildenstern Ooitarh. He was in the hospital after being caught for vandalizing a religious icon (it was a statue of Terror, c’mon how lame is that?) and subsequently shot. He was about five years older than me so he could be charged for crime. Such we hatched a bold plan of escape together.

After I healed we escaped and simply had me perform the crimes, as I could not be charged. We created a bold criminal empire together destroying lime eaters and lime farmers alike. Soon all of Qou was but a plaything to us. As I grew older both Guildenstern and I moved into positions of power, being able to play the strings of politicians as we saw fit.

But it was not enough all the mass murderings, the power over a moon. It just wasn’t enough to satisfy us. So we decided to become true dictators over the moon. The fact that we already had so much power made the effort easier than we thought. So we conquered Cygnus 4 as well. Thus the SY Empire was born…

In another plotline, I slowly fell in love with Guildenstern’s sister, Roz. But I could never bring up the courage to admit it, so the love went unanswered. But Guildenstern and I continued our expansionist efforts, even conquering the entire Solar System. At this point even Emperor Ctògó began to take notice.

At first Ctògó remained tolerant of our empire, calling it a ‘worthy adversary waiting to bloom’. But when I turned 50, I wanted something special, so Guildenstern and I decided to go for the whole 51st Quadrant. After conquering my third solar system (the Kato system), Ctògó declared war on my little empire. My memory is all a blur for this part, I don’t recall it being that interesting as there weren’t many opportunities to slash people without provocation.

I know that I conquered the 51st, 52nd, and the 49th Quadrants. I also know that I killed Roz, as I could never bring myself to ask her for a date (this and the fact that she ate limes constantly). This led Guildenstern to defect to Ctògó, and cost me the 52nd and 49th quadrants. If I ever find Guildenstern again, I’ll kill him…slowly…very slowly…damn traitor that he is…

But still another part that I remember is the poltergeist Shaw approaching me for an alliance with his empire. While the fact that our two empires both overwhelmed Ctògó to the point of the war, we ARE not allies. Shaw is an incompetent ugly cardboard faced suck-up.

I didn’t need his pathetic empire to win anyhow. So anyway he offers me an alliance but then he serves limes at the dinner. HOW DARE HE!!!! I hate limes, serving them is an act of treason punishable by death! Such I declared war upon him until his death and he is my arch-nemesis.

But so…Like I said the war ended due to Ctògó being overwhelmed by Shaw and me. In the end Shaw and I only had a quadrant each, I’ll conquer the Galaxy someday, so I’m not too crushed. So life continued happily in the SY Empire, as there were no limes, and every crime was punished by death. All deaths are overseen me personally, unless the accused makes a last minute plea to me, his God.

This brings me to the next point there’s room for anybody in the Church of SY. So the story comes full circle, I learn of the kaiju on the planet called Earth. So I invade using that little twit named Agent. But he betrays me along with Fluffy, causing me to loose and they keep me in a computer for two years. My regret is that I never asked a girl on a date, something that will probably haunt me until my death…

But thanks to David Tennant (with a little help from Ctògó, see Season 3 of the TDWF for details) I now have my own body. And the empire begins again… [insert evil laughter here]

TDWF 15 part 2

2008-09-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

TDWF 15 pt 2: The Saga Continues

“Wait, wait, wait,” Will said, “Did we just cut in the middle of an episode?”

“Apparently so,” Jesse said.

“But does that then make this Episode 16?” Will asked.

“No, it makes it Episode 15 part two,” Falco said.

“It makes it Episode 16 if you count the Holiday Special,” Ben said.

“So is this Episode 17 then?” Will said.

“I’m confused,” Agent said, scratching his head.

“Don’t touch me,” SY grumped, snapping his hand down.

“Ahem,” Ctògó coughed.

“Right,” Falco, Fluffy, Jesse, Agent, Will, SY and Ben said, all turning to face Ctògó.

“That was creepy,” They said together again, “So was that…And that…And that. Roast beef. Bananas. TDWF Tower. BANG! KaijuHQ, Tohokingdom, Godzilla Universe, TDWF! Shamble-bobble-dibble-dooble. Oh Agent your so handsome. Yes, I am, thank you.”

“Ahem, spare me the theatrics SY,” Ctògó said, “I’m a busy Mycomorph and I haven’t got all year.”“Right,” The heroes said together again.

“Now that thing up there, whatever it is,” Ctògó said, “Its already killed a third of my men, you take care of that monkey, and I’ll drop the charges.”

“Maybe we should think about this,” Jesse said, “Its taking on one of two weevils.”

“What do you mean weevils,” Falco asked.

“Oh, sorry typo,” Jesse said, “I meant to say evils…”

“We’ll take it!” SY shouted, without even considering the consequences.

“Excellent,” Ctògó said, “A fine opponent you are, just like Terror was. You have 4 hours.”

“Can we please get some food?” Jesse said.

Back at TDWF Tower…

“Boy was that a bad cliffhanger… ‘I have a proposition for you’,” Ben muttered, “I didn’t even have any dialogue in that past scene.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin said, “Not all of us can be in two places at once, I wasn’t even present.”

“Are we actually going to commentate on the kaiju fight here?” Chris asked.

“What kaiju fight?” Stormhalt quivered.

SpaceGodzilla wins!!!

“See, SpaceGodzilla won,” Kevin said, “We know everything.”

“Then why did you have Zigra fight SpaceGodzilla, it wasn’t even the finals,” Chris asked, “None of these things even make sense!”

“Does it matter?” Ben asked.

“When is my big ‘opponent’ going to land anyway,” Chris asked.

Kevin checked his watch, “Right,” he said, suddenly the ground began to shake, “Now.”

The ground shook suddenly as the spaceship crashed into the nearby ocean. “Well then,” Chris said, “I’ll be off, wish me luck.”

“Good luck,” Ben said, saluting Christopher Eccleston.

“Oh my gosh, we just talked to the Doctor!” Kevin and Ben said to each other.

Christopher Eccleston jumped out of the window and landed safely at the foot of TDWF Tower, where he ran over to the Spaceship. “Is he going to be alright,” Ben said, pointing out the window.

“He’s a Time Lord, I’m sure he can take it,” Kevin said.

Back in the ship…

“What the heck?!!” Jesse said, struggling to maintain his balance.

“Well it appears we just made planetfall,” Agent said.

“Or we just fell on the planet,” Fluffy said.

Suddenly another loud clunking sound was heard, followed by a loud booming roar. “And Davy Tennant is awake,” Falco said.

“Ugh,” Jesse said, “This whole writer’s block thing is driving me crazy. He works and he works on this story then he walks away from it, only to come back and add a paragraph.”

“So what?” Will asked.

“So what?” Jesse repeated, “He keeps on bragging about how big the Fifth Season will be but he’s stuck in the climax of the third.”

“Who or what rather, is the ‘he’ that we keep referring,” Fluffy asked.

“The writer,” Jesse said, rolling his eyes.

“Can we just get on with this, I want to be in the fourth season already,” Ben said.

“Yeah sure,” SY said, “But I don’t see why HE had to come along, we have enough new characters to remember anyway.”

SY pointed to Guildenstern who had been trailing them, “Ctògó wanted me to make sure you screw-ups don’t screw this up,” Guildenstern said.

“You’re a screw-up!” SY said.

“YOU’RE A SCREW-UP!” Guildenstern yelled, getting in SY’s face.

“YOUR MOM IS A SCREW-UP!” SY shouted back.

“YOUR DAD IS A SCREW-UP!” Guildenstern said.

“Blasphemer, how dare you disrespect the Elders of the Universe,” SY said, “YOU’RE SISTER IS WAS SCREW-UP!”

“How dare you drag my sister into this, you MURDERED HER,” Guildenstern said.

“Oy, shut up you two!” Falco said, “What is with you two?”

“He started it,” SY and Guildenstern said, pointing at each other.

“I don’t care who started it but I’m going to finish it!” Falco said.

“And we’re into our first match,” Ben said, addressing the camera.

SpaceGodzilla vs. Oozaru (David Tennant)

David Tennant burst out the spaceship’s flight bay, filled with rage he searched for an opponent. SpaceGodzilla casually returned to TDWF tower from his previous match in order to enter the sauna, something he had been craving since he had first woken up. But he was thirsty and still a little tired, for he had not yet had his morning coffee. The Oozaru on the other hand was still fired up from last night and wired to explode.

Suddenly their eyes met, it was hate at first sight. David Tennant the Oozaru charged forward, preparing to tackle SpaceGodzilla. But SpaceGodzilla was prepared and managed to knock over Tennant with one swing of his mighty stellar saurian tail.

SpaceGodzilla chuckled and fired his Corona ray, blasting the Great Ape. But it was not enough, Tennant got right back up and fired a mouth ray. Tennant stood up and tried to wipe the taste from his mouth. SpaceGodzilla tackled Tennant and proceeded to stomp him viciously.

Tennant suddenly rolled away, turned around, and did a leaping side kick to the face of SpaceGodzilla. While it worked for a time SpaceGodzilla managed to turn his face back around and bite into Tennant’s foot. David Tennant roared and wrapped his tail around SpaceGodzilla’s neck.

SpaceGodzilla struggled for air as Tennant chuckled sadistically as his foe slowly fell to the ground. No air, slowly SpaceGodzilla fell to the ground, passed out. 1…2…

“It’s been too long that we haven’t done this, do we count to ten or three,” Kevin asked.

“3,” Stormhalt said.

“Thank you,” Kevin said.

3! DAVID TENNANT WINS!!!

“This is without a doubt the weirdest season finale ever,” Ben said.

“Season Five is supposedly weirder,” Kevin said.

“But we’re in Season Three,” Ben said.

“Are we even going to do SMURF today,” Stormhalt said.

“Nope,” Ben said, “No time.”

“Aw man,” Stormhalt said.

Back on the Spaceship…

“We gotta get out of here,” SY said.

“Not until you stop that THING,” Guildenstern said.

“We have a professional coming in,” Ben said.

“I’m starting to get lost between the two Bens,” Falco said.

“You too, huh,” Will said.

“So should we just like move on with the next fight so we have room for the climax?” Jesse asked.

“I think the next fight IS the climax,” Agent said, “So yeah, let’s get on with it.”

“Next round!!!” Ben proclaimed.

Christopher Eccleston vs. David Tennant

“Oh my gosh it’s the Ninth and Tenth Doctors!” Agent proclaimed.

David Tennant, Scotsman and portrayer of the Tenth Doctor, continued his path of destruction heading to the first sign of civilization: TDWF Tower; in his path, Christopher Eccleston, native of Manchester and portrayer of the Ninth Doctor. The path was set for the two best portrayers of the Doctor (underneath Tom Baker), in Agent’s mind anyway, to fight to the death, or at least very close to death anyway. Not only this but a spaceship had crashed and aliens were monitoring every move, due to SY’s deal with them. SpaceGodzilla was present and the aliens were actually in two factions. The atmosphere could not get any more intense!

“Ah crap,” Kevin said.

“What?!!” Stormhalt asked, turning around shaking.

“I forgot to record Jeopardy!” Kevin said.

Like I was saying, the atmosphere could not get any more intense. Christopher Eccleston stared down his opponent, or up rather as David Tennant had transformed into an Oozaru, or Great Ape, due to his Saiyan heritage.

The two locked eyes, “I’m going to kill you!” Tennant shouted, “You pathetic little Niner, I’m lucky number 10!”

“Funny,” Eccleston replied, “But the lucky number is seven.”

“Don’t drag Sylvester McCoy into this!” Tennant snapped back, “This is between you and me!”

“Fine,” Eccleston said calmly, “I’m giving you one last chance to leave this planet peaceably.”

“Don’t you mean peacefully?” Tennant asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I mean peaceably,” Eccleston said.

“Peacefully,” Tennant nagged.

“Peaceably,” Eccleston repeated.

“Peacefully,” Tennant said, his voice rising.

“Peaceably!” Eccleston said.

“PEACEFULLY!”

“PEACEABLY!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ugh,” Jesse yawned, “This joke is starting to get old.”

Guildenstern prodded SY in the back, “I thought you said you were going to take the monkey out.”

“I told you,” SY said, “We have a professional coming in; he’s the one confronting the beast.”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEFULLY!!!!!!!”

“PEACEABLY!!!!!!!”

“And stop it already!” Falco shouted, “That was a bad joke and we’re already into 8 pages!”

“Just fight already!” Agent shouted.

“Fine,” Eccleston said.

Christopher Eccleston flew into the air and drew his hands back, “KA-ME-HA-ME!” He shouted.

“Oh no you don’t!” Tennant said, “GAL-ICK GUN!”

“HA!” Eccleston said, releasing a huge wave of blue energy.

The two beams suddenly smacked into each other and a titanic struggled of energy began. The two actors seemed to be evenly matched neither gaining much advantage over the other. Finally, Eccleston began to gain the upper hand, pressing back Tennant’s much larger beam of energy. Tennant could no longer hold back against the stronger blast and let his strength down just for a second, this allowed Eccleston to overpower him.

Tennant was hurt and stunned, but only for a second, he quickly jumped back on his feet and sprinted forward. But he had lost sight of Eccleston, where had that little punk gone? Suddenly the familiar Ka-me-ha-me-ha rang in Tennant’s left ear, he turned and saw the blast, and he ducked immediately dodging the blast.

The Great Ape then sped forward and grabbed Eccleston who was in mid flight. The overwhelming mass crushed Eccleston’s chest. “Uph,” Eccleston said, struggling to escape, “Let me go!”

“You stole the title role from me, I wanted to be the Ninth Doctor you little cretin!” Tennant said, laughing manically.

“WHO CARES?!! WE BOTH GOT TO PLAY THE DOCTOR ANYWAY!” Chris shouted.

This shout suddenly unlocked deep emotions within Chris Eccleston; he realized how foolish it was to give up the role of the Doctor. Filled with rage Eccleston let out a yell as his hair began to pulsate with a golden light. “What…What is this?!” Tennant said, raising an eyebrow.

Finally Eccleston’s voice reached into a resounding roar as his eyes turned into a glowing green and his hair settled into its gold coloration. “Did he just turn into Peter Davison?” Agent asked.

“No, he went Super Saiyan,” Falco snapped.

“Wait…So Christopher Eccleston is a Saiyan too?” Agent said, scratching his head.

“I said don’t touch me!” SY shouted, snapping his hand down.

“Hmm,” Jesse said, “What are the odds of that?”

Fluffy began to look very contemplative, “Don’t answer that,” Jesse said.

Finally Eccleston sped forward and began slapping Tennant silly with three dozen roundhouse kicks in 2 seconds. Tennant snarled and batted the Super Saiyan away, smashing Eccleston into the nearby mountains. “KAIOKEN!” Eccleston shouted, speeding forward, only to be detoured by the Giant Tail of Tennant.

But the climax bell rang as Eccleston flew up into the heavens, he amassed all of his energy into one final blow. “KAA-MEE-HAA-MEE…” He shouted.

Suddenly a shadow fell over him, “Huh?” Eccleston said, a massive silvery fin smacking him down.

“Why the f**k do you ignore everything I do?!” Zigra shouted, “Huh? What the f**k is f**king wrong with f**king Zigra. Seriously m********kers, what the f**king f**k is wrong with your f**ked up little minds?!!!”

“He can talk?” Falco said.

“You never saw Gamera vs. Zigra?” Agent asked.

“No,” Falco said.

“Well this fight is no longer interesting,” Ben said, ignoring the fight.

“We have to team up to stop him or else he’ll destroy the planet!” Eccleston said, rising from the rubble he was launched into from Zigra.

“F**k you!” Zigra said.

Zigra and Tennant went out for a while, which isn’t really concerned with the battle of Eccleston vs. Tennant. “STOP IGNORING ME!” Zigra screamed.

“We need to team up, we can’t stop him on our own,” Eccleston protested.

“SCREW YOU!” Zigra said.

“GALICK GUN!” Tennant shouted, firing a blast of energy.

Zigra was blasted with the energy blast, severing one of his fins. Zigra snarled but was unfazed by the injury. Eccleston looked at Zigra, Zigra looked back and nodded. “We have to serve his tail, that will undo the transformation,” Eccleston said.

Suddenly a brilliant strategy entered their heads but Tennant noticed it and sped forward to disrupt the conversation. Eccleston and Zigra both dodged out of the way, Zigra fired his paralysis ray. Tennant was frozen in place and began to fall. “DESTRUC-TO DISK!” Eccleston shouted.

A disk of energy came out of Eccleston’s palm, it shot up. Eccleston swung out of the way and guided the disk towards Tennant’s tail. The disk successfully severed the tail and Tennant began reverting back to his human form. Eccleston flew down and caught the body of his comrade, gently lowering him down to Earth. Eccleston set down the body and flew up.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON WI-…Suddenly Zigra stomped Christopher Eccleston, knocking him out of his Super Saiyan form and rendering him unconscious. ZIGRA WINS!!!!

“And here are the test results,” Kevin said, “Zigra has been found guilty of steroid use.”

“F**K!!!” Zigra shouted.

SPACEGODZILLA WINS!!!

“Can we just skip to the epilogue?” Ben asked.

“Sure, why not?” Will asked.

Epilogue (about a day and a half afterward)…

“Thank you for your services SY,” Ctògó said, “The charges will be dropped, as I said.”

Agent/SY/Fluffy nodded and shook hands with Ctògó as he left. “This isn’t over,” Guildenstern said, “Not by a long shot.”

“We shall see,” Agent said, bowing to Guildenstern.

Ctògó smiled, looking forward to the day when he would duel SY once more. Then Ctògó and Guildenstern transmatted away and would not return until a later season.

“Well,” Falco said, “That was fun.”

“I survived an episode!” One of the Ben’s shouted to the other, the two then chuckled.

“But we can’t go on with two Bens,” Jesse said.

“One of you has to die,” SY said, grimly.

“How?” Will said.

Suddenly an alien burst out of one of the Ben’s chest and then ran across the floor. “I suppose that works,” Will said.

SY cackled at the sight of the alien breaking out of Ben’s ribcage. “But that still leaves one question?” Kevin said, “What about him?”

Kevin pointed to the unconscious body of David Tennant, still scarred from battle. “He’s been in a coma for a while now,” Jesse said, “The fact of being on such a horrible TV show, abducted by aliens, sentenced to death, and the whole transformation must have been too much. I think it whipped his mind.”

“He’s a Saiyan,” Christopher Eccleston said, stepping out from nowhere, “Which makes him my responsibility.”

“He’s basically a brainless body,” Jesse said, “What would you do with him?”

“I’m not sure,” Eccleston replied, staring at the body of his comrade.

“Unfortunately as a doctor,” Jesse said, “I can’t let him leave here until he is orderly, at least to some degree.”

“And we need do get rid of SY and everyone else in Agent’s head,” Falco said, pointing to Agent.“Everybody Else? My name is Fluffy!” Fluffy protested.

“More like Señor Traitor Fluffy Univac,” SY said.

“Hold on,” Ben said, looking at Agent, then shifting to David Tennant, “I think I have an idea.”

“I get the feeling it’s a bad one,” Stormhalt said.

A few hours later…

“Hello!” David Tennant said, snapping out of his coma.

“Well,” Jesse said, taking his gloves off, “It appears the operation was a success.”

“Oh my head,” Agent said, standing up on a medical bed next to Tennant.

David Tennant breathed in deeply, “Now to try out this new voice,” Tennant said, “I am Dark Lord SY! Prince of all Saiyans!”

“Slow down there, Goku,” Jesse said, “You need your rest.”

Falco burst into the room after hearing what Tennant just said, “You gave SY Tennant’s body?!!” he sputtered.

“Well yeah, I couldn’t kill him,” Jesse said.

“I could have,” Falco said.

“Shut up,” Agent said, “I’m just glad to have this body for myself.”

“Well,” Kevin said, “I think I can safely say that we could all do with a nice nap right about now.”

Everyone nodded, Christopher Eccleston stepped inside the TARDIS. “Right then, I’ll be off,” He said, he then held up some cod (which was given to him by Kevin in a cut scene), “So long and thanks for all the fish.”

“There goes my hero,” Agent sniffled.

“What did we do with Fluffy anyway,” Will asked, as the TARDIS dematerialized in the background.

“I’m your new computer!” Fluffy chuckled, his voice coming through the intercom, “I am the ultimate security system!”

“Nap time,” Agent said, falling asleep.

“Indeedly so,” Falco said.

“See you all next season,” Ben said, “Have a good night from all of us here at TDWF!”

Be sure to tune in for Season Four: The Return of Shaw! With special guest stars Vin Diesel and John Barrowman!

TDWF 15

2008-07-23T01:17:00.000-07:00

TDWF 15: Paul McGann we hardly knew ye

“Alright,” Christopher Eccleston said, “So I’m in the middle of a shoot and then I get this phone call saying that the UN wants me to aid with some sort of International crisis, and that I am to leave immediately. Now which one of you wants to tell me what’s up?”

“Oh my gosh it’s the DOCTOR!!!” Ben shouted.

“Oy, I’m not the Doctor,” Christopher Eccleston said, “Well not anymore.”

“Well there’s a spaceship about to crash into Earth carrying a number of hostiles and a giant monkey,” Stormhalt said, “W-we need help, really badly.”

“Yeah you do really need help, your show reuses the same gags over and over,” Christopher Eccleston said.

“No we don’t!” Ben protested.

“Oh my gosh it’s the DOCTOR!!!” Kevin shouted, upon seeing Christopher Eccleston.

“Just tell me why I would be of any knowledge in this situation?” Christopher Eccleston, “And stop calling me that, just call me Chris.”

“Because the giant monkey up there is David Tennant,” Kevin said, “And being that you both were the Doctor you should be able to help us.”

Back on the ship...

The heroes struggled to find their way downward, through the wreckage that the Great Ape David Tennant caused. “Man this is like that scene in Godzilla,” Ben said, “You know where they crawl through the sewers and Godzilla is doing the same.”

“Let’s just hope we don’t find David,” SY said.

“Hold on,” Jesse said, “I believe we need to make a distinction: In the previous episode Ben was cloned on Earth but he had survived his apparent death onboard the ship as such there are two Bens.”

“Thanks,” SY said, “But I think the audience is smart enough to figure that out on their own.”

“Man I told you we should’ve gotten like Morgan Freeman or Vincent D’Onofrio as a guest star,” Falco said, “But neeeoooo, no one ever listens to me anymore.”

“Hey I’m still voting for Sam Neil,” Will said, “Sam Neil, anyone, anyone?”

“How about Russell Crowe?” SY suggested.

“Ugh no,” Jesse said.

“Look can we just focus on escaping,” Falco said, “How does a 300 foot monkey just disappear?”

“Well the ship is thrice the size of Manhattan,” Agent said, “I don’t think it can be that hard. Tennant is no idiot, he knows not to blow the airlock.”

“Reassuring,” Jesse said.

“Is thrice even a word?” Falco said.

“I hope so,” Agent said.

The commentators scrambled through the hallways trying to find their way to an escape pod. “SY,” Jesse said, “How much further should we have?”

“How the heck should I know?” SY said.

“I thought you said you were an engineer of sorts,” Jesse said.

“I am,” Fluffy proclaimed, who was running the schematics through his head.

Fluffy pointed to two big bulky doors, “Behind those doors should be what we are looking for,” he said, “I helped design this ship you know.”

The Commentators burst through the thick doors, it was a room filled with tables and it smelt like food. “This isn’t the emergency escape room,” Will said.

“I was under the impression that we were looking for food, I’m hungry,” Fluffy said.

“You’re a loony,” SY said.

Despite this Fluffy calmly approached the vendor currently working in the Mess Hall. “Oy, how much is a kronkburger, mate?” Fluffy asked.

“Four quellbackers,” The vendor said.

Fluffy reached into his pocket, “Hey, who cleared out my pockets of quellbackers?!!” he shouted.

“Yeah that was me, sorry!” Agent said, “No use on Earth!”

“I know how to settle this,” SY said, shooting the vendor.

“WHOA!” Falco said, “Enough multiple personalities and enough violence...What an ironic, ironic line...”

“He started it!” One of Agent’s personalities said, as his two hands pointed at each other.

“I’m just throwing this out there,” Jesse said, “But if you had a gun why didn’t you just shoot David to begin with?”

“He might’ve regenerated,” SY said, snidely.

“Look just shut up,” Will said, “We need to get out of here!”

“Relax they don’t know we’re here,” Ben said.

The klaxons suddenly sounded and a guard’s voice came on the intercom, “Intruder sighted in Mess Hall 5!”

“Yet,” Ben added.

“Leaving now!” Jesse said.

“But I’m hungry!” Fluffy said.

Suddenly the entire spaceship shook and rattled. “What was that?!!” Will said, struggling to stay standing up.

SY was merely floating in the air, “Oh that?” he said, “That’s just the ship entering the atmosphere.”

The heroes ran down the hall, SY was hovering, “Stop showing off and just run like a regular human being!” Falco shouted.

“Fine,” Agent said.

Suddenly an armed guard wielding a plasma rifle stepped out, “Freeze in the name of Ctógò!” he shouted.

The heroes put their hands up, except for Agent, who calmly walked forward. “What are you going to do to me ‘Lord’ SY, kill me, smite me with your godly powers,” the guard taunted.

SY raised his hand and telepathically grabbed the guard by the throat, “I find your lack of faith disturbing,” SY said, straggling him with his telekinesis.

“Enough of these rip-offs,” Jesse said, “SY, release him!”

“As you wish,” SY said.

The guard gasped for air, SY took out his gun and shot him in the head. “Hey knock it off!” Will said.

“Better them than me,” Ben said, “And anyway he was wearing red.”

Will inspected the shirt, “I guess,” he said.

Falco took the gun from the dead guard, “Hey there’s an elevator!” Jesse said.

“And I have an idea!” Falco said.

Five minutes later, downstairs...

The Elevator opened up, Guildenstern was there, and he saw the body of his dead comrade. There was something on the dead guard’s shirt, Guildenstern examined it closely, “Now I have a plasma rifle,” he said, reading the words written in blood on the shirt, “Ho-ho-ho.”

Running down the stairs with the heroes...

“I don’t get it,” Ben said.

“I don’t see why we have to run down the stairs,” Jesse grumped.

“Relax its good for you,” Falco said, “Wait...I thought Agent broke his leg last episode...”

“I did,” Agent said, “I heal quickly.”

“I guess...” Falco said.

Back on Earth...

“So am I going to fight David or what,” Christopher Eccleston asked.

“Just wait...” Kevin said.

“First match!” Ben shouted.

Titanosaurus vs. Zigra

“Whoa!” Chris said pointing out the window and upward, “What is that?!”

He pointed upward toward a twinkling light, “Oh that?!” Ben said, “That’s the spaceship crashing.”

“AHHHHH!!!” Stormhalt said, turning around and running away, screaming.

“I thought you said I was going up to fight David in a spaceship,” Chris said.

“Well it’s a bit difficult to land in the spaceship considering its crashing,” Kevin said.

“I see, fantastic,” Chris said, sarcastically, “So do you guys actually do anything?”

“Nah,” Ben said, “We just sit here and commentate.”

“Don’t you pay any attention at all to the monster fights?” Chris asked.

“Of course all the attention goes to the kaiju,” Kevin said.

ZIGRA WINS!!!

“Who won?” Ben said.

“There was a fight going on?” Stormhalt asked.

Back on the ship...

“Just a little further and we should be in the fighter bay,” Fluffy said.

“I hope so,” Jesse said, panting, “I don’t want to think running down five miles of stairs was for nothing.”

“I’m hungry now,” Will said.

“There’s bound to be a vending machine around here somewhere,” SY said.

Everyone stared at SY, “What,” he said, “These things always have vending machines.”

“Food would be lovely right now,” Falco said, “But I thought Agent ditched all your quellbackers.”

“I did,” Agent said, “But I always keep a Qyar handy.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Fluffy said.

“A what?” Jesse stammered.

“5 zimmers to a puul, 5 puuls to a qyar, 5 qyars to a quellbacker, 5 quellbackers to a bink, 5 binks to a jaichi,” Fluffy said.

“Ugh,” Jesse said, “Too much random wordage.”

“That’s just because you don’t understand galactic currency,” Agent said.

“Look there’s the bay door!” Will shouted.

“How do you figure,” SY asked, inspecting the door.

“The fact that it has bay door written in big letters across it,” Will said.

“Ah,” SY said.

“Well open it!” Falco protested.

Agent slid his hand over a scanner and the door opened, revealing a small flight of stairs, but in the massive bay level the sounds of plasma rifles, metal being crushed, and men screaming for mercy was heard. “What the heck is going on?!!” Ben shouted.

Falco looked forward, “Something tells me that David has beat us to the bay,” he said, ominously.

As if on cue David Tennant, the Great Ape, stepped forward roaring at Ctógò’s men. “Open fire!” One of the men shouted.

The plasma rifles had no effect as the giant feet of the Great Ape smashed down on the henchmen. “We should find a ship now,” Will said.

“Why?” Agent said, “None of us know how to fly them!”

“I can fly anything,” Falco said, “I could fly before I could drive.”

“Show off,” SY muttered.

“Let’s just do it before he sees us,” Jesse said.

“Who?” SY asked.

“Him,” Jesse said, gesturing with his head toward David.

“Who??” SY stammered.

“Heeeemmm,” Jesse said, gesturing with his head again.

“I don’t get who he means,” SY said.

“Him,” Jesse whispered loudly.

SY struggled to look beyond Jesse but could not figure it out, “Who?” SY asked, “There’s like 200 guys behind you.”

“Him,” Jesse said, pointing at David.

“I’m still not getting it,” SY said.

“THE FREAKING MONKEY!!!” Jesse shouted.

“Oh ho-ho, whose a f**king monkey?” David chuckled, “It’s you guys again! Muwa-ha-hah-ha!”

The Great Ape sped forward crushing the guards in his wake, laughing manically. “Elevator, elevator, now!” Falco said, leading the commentators toward the elevator.

Will frantically pushed the up button, “It’s not working!” He said, sadly.

“DANG IT!” Jesse shouted.

The commentators instead were forced to run back inside the stairwell. Luckily the walls of the fighter were much thicker than in other halls. David pounded and roared, “Galick Gun,” he shouted,.

But the energy blast was rendered useless against the bulk head and it reflected back and hit David, knocking him out. “Ugh ow,” David said, before falling asleep.

The commentators ran up the stairwell once more, “Hey look a vending machine!” Jesse said.

They ran to it, “Ah there’s only Lay’s,” Falco said.

“Lay’s eww...” Agent said.

“It’s still food!” Will said, “Quick, Agent give me a quagmire or coconut or quagga or whatever it’s called.”

“It’s called a quellbacker,” Agent said, handing the green coin to Will.

Will placed it in the machine and bought the bag of chips, “Give me that, I’m hungry!” SY said, stealing it from Will.

“Hey its mine!” Will said.

“No,” SY said, “Its mine!”

“Dang it now I’m hungry stop talking about food!” Jesse shouted.

Will and SY engaged in a tug-a-war over the bag of chips. “Why are we even fighting over a bag of chips? Its Lay’s, Lay’s suck!” Falco said.

“But its food,” SY shouted, “Now give-me-that! I am Lord SY and you will obey-me!”

SY and Will suddenly tugged with all their might splitting the bag into two and then flinging it into the middle of the stairwell, where there were in fact no stairs.

“Now look what you’ve done!” SY shouted.

“Agent quick, give me another quailbarker,” Will said, extending his hand.

“That was my last one,” Agent stammered.

“And that was our only food,” Jesse moaned.

“Gah,” Falco growled, “Now I’m hungry.”

“Not my problem,” SY said, “Let’s eat Ben.”

“WHAT?!!” Ben shuddered.

“You die in every episode,” SY continued, “I don’t see what the deal is, I mean I’ve eaten other people before.”

The other commentators shivered at the thought, “Let’s just try to find our way off this ship,” Falco said, “Let’s go down that hall.”

Falco pointed to a door, “Why,” Jesse inquired.

“Because my gut is telling me too,” Falco said.

“Did you have to say gut,” Jesse said, holding his, “I’m hungry!”

The commentators burst through the door, there was a corridor but it quickly ended in what appeared to be a giant gap. “I’m guessing this is how Davy boy got into the Fighter Bay,” Falco noted.

“I concur,” Will said.

“Now how do we get across,” Falco contemplated.

“We could jump,” Agent suggested.

“You go and do that,” Jesse said, snidely.

Agent walked up to the gap and simply jumped across, “How the heck did he do that?” Will asked.

“My home planet has five times as much gravity!” Agent said.

“Yeah but how do we get across,” Falco said.

Ben reached into his pocket and produced a grappling gun. “Where’d you get that?!” Jesse said.

“I stole it from Christian Bale when I asked him to be a guest star,” Ben chuckled.

“Another good guest star!” Falco shouted.

“Well just fire the thing,” Jesse said.

Ben fired the gun as it latched on to the other side, “I’ll go first,” Ben said.

“No, I wanna go first!” Falco said.

“I’m the most expendable character,” Ben said, “Let me do it.”

Falco nodded as Ben swung across, “HOLY S**T!!” Ben said, as he landed on the other side.

Ben then whispered quietly while swinging the rope across, “Davy boy is right there,” he said, pointing downward, “Don’t wake the monkey up!”

Back on Earth...

“Man I should of called Bruce Willis,” Kevin said, looking up at the approaching spaceship.

“Are you saying I’m not good enough,” Chris asked.

“No your fine,” Kevin said.

“Shall we get on with the next match?” Ben asked.

“No,” Stormhalt said, “Tennant is still in the air, he has to land.”

“Ugh,” Ben said.

“Just star the fight,” Chris said, “I’m bored out of my skull.”

“Okay fine,” Kevin said.

SpaceGodzilla vs. Zigra

SpaceGodzilla roared and flew into the arena then he landed and roared even louder. Zigra was actually quiet terrified of his opponent. SpaceGodzilla suddenly noticed the spaceship crashing behind Zigra, he pointed. Zigra spun around as SpaceGodzilla shot crystalline missiles forward.

Meanwhile onboard the ship...

The commentators burst through another door after just barely passing through the massive gap. The clicking of plasma rifles was heard as three dozen gunmen aimed at the heroes. Falco chuckled nervously, dropped his gun, and put his hands up. A caped figure turned around revealing the face of Ctógò. “Um, I guess can we have any of the charges dropped?” Will chuckled.

“Actually,” Ctógò said, gesturing for his guards to put down their weapons, “I have a bit of a proposition for you.”

To be continued...

TDWF 14

2008-07-15T23:38:00.000-07:00

TDWF 14: Trial of the Century

“Why the heck did we stop using Roman Numerals,” Falco asked.

“Come to mention it why have we been on hiatus for two months?” Will asked.

“Never mind that there are guys pointing spears at us!” Jesse said.

“Quiet right,” Falco said, staring down SY’s forces.

“You three going to join me or not?” SY chuckled.

“Um...” Will said.

“Yes, yes of course we will Lord SY,” Jesse said.

“Good, good, you just let down an incredibly good cliffhanger,” SY said.

“Lord SY,” A technician reported, “Emperor Ctògó's just docked with the LSYBAMS.”“Good,” SY said.

“We’re receiving a communication’s wave,” The technician continued.

“Patch it through,” SY said.

“Dark Lord SY,” The man on the other side, “It’s been a while.”

“Yes it has Rosencrantz,” SY said.

“My name is Guildenstern!” the man said, “Be prepared for trial.”

“Will do,” SY said, doing a mocking salute.

“Oh crap,” Agent said.

“What was that?” Guildenstern asked, studying SY closely.

“Nothing,” SY said.

“And who are the buffoons behind you?” Guildenstern inquired, “Lawyers?”

“Witnesses,” SY said.

“You have one hour to prepare for trial,” Guildenstern said, “No funny business.”
The view screen cut off, “What does no funny business mean?” Falco asked.

“No warfare before trial, no violence, no trying to escape,” SY said.

“And more to the point what does ‘oh crap’ mean?” Jesse asked, trying to raise one eyebrow but failing miserably.

“Oh crap,” Agent said, speaking through SY’s lips, “Means that today was the day David Tennant was supposed to make a guest appearance.”“How the h**l did we get David Tennant as a guest star?” Falco asked.

“Yeah he’s a big-shot!” Will added.

“It doesn’t matter!” Jesse said.

“Exactly,” SY said, “We must prepare for trial, if these were my jurors I could pass but these are Ctógò’s.”

Back on Earth...

“So we were put on hiatus because of the writer’s computer malfunctioning?” Stormhalt asked.

“That’s what he said,” Kevin said.

“Wh-what if he forgot about us and we were stuck as re-runs forever, I mean I’m only in like five episodes you’re in all 14!” Stormhalt trembled.

“Relax,” Kevin said, “We’re back and that’s all that matters…”

Kevin’s eyes shifted to the calendar, “Oh crap,” Kevin said.
“What now?!!” Stormhalt shouted.

“Today is the day David Tennant is supposed to visit,” Kevin said.

“Well first match then,” Stormhalt said, shaking.

Fire Rodan vs. KaiserGhidorah

Fire Rodan rushed into the arena screeching and firing his energy beam. KaiserGhidorah sped forward to try and intercept the pterodactyl kaiju but the energy beam deterred him from doing so. Fire Rodan soared upward; KaiserGhidorah spun around and shot gravity waves at his opponent.

Up and down Fire Rodan went being smacked against the ground. Kaiser Ghidorah finally relinquished his release over Fire Rodan, who tried to take off but KaiserGhidorah held him down. 1...2...Fire Rodan spat one final energy beam at KaiserGhidorah, but it was to no avail as the 3 was spoken.
KaiserGhidorah wins!!

“Um hi,” A man said, entering the commentator’s booth, “I’m not early am I?”

“Oh my gosh it’s the DOCTOR!!!” Kevin shouted, jumping up.

“I’m not the Doctor,” The man said, he turned to the camera, “I play the Doctor on TV, good evening ladies and gentlemen I’m David Tennant.”

“Hey you have a Scottish Accent!” Kevin said.

“Ah! Imposter!” Stormhalt shouted.

“I only talk with another accent when I perform not many people can understand this voice,” David Tennant said.

“Rrrriiiggghhhhttt,” Kevin said.

“And will you please stop referring to me in the script as David Tennant,” David Tennant said, “Just call me David!”

“Okay David Tennant,” Kevin said.

Back on the ship...

“We need to communicate to TDWF Tower make sure everything is alright down there,” Will said.

“And I need a good lawyer,” SY said, “Establish communication feed to TDWF Tower.”

The visual screen appeared showing Kevin, Stormhalt, and David Tennant, “Stop calling me that!” David Tennant shouted.

“Oh my gosh it’s the DOCTOR!!!” Agent shouted, jumping up.

“I bet you would make a good lawyer,” SY said.

“I’m not a lawyer, I’m a-,” David Tennant said, the transmat cutting him off.

“Good a Scottish Lawyer, now I’m set,” SY muttered.

“Um, Kevin we need a new Ben,” Will said, “Be a good fellow and go make another.”

“Righto,” Kevin said, dashing off.

“Let’s go, allons-,” Agent said, before David Tennant cut him off.

“Don’t you dare say it,” David Tennant muttered.

“Sie,” Fluffy said.

“How’d I get here?” David Tennant said, looking around, “And stop calling me that.”

“It’s called a transmat beam Doctor,” Agent said.

“Oh my gosh it’s the DOCTOR!!!” Ben shouted, appearing from nowhere.

“Doctor, of everything, as I am told,” SY said, “You will be an extremely useful ally.”

“I told you, I just play the Doctor,” David Tennant said.

“Ben!” Jesse shouted, “You’re alive, but how did you...”

“We’ll leave that plot hole for the audience to solve,” Ben said, “Now what is happening.”

“We have a trial to prepare for,” SY said, “How much longer do we have?”

“15 minutes,” Fluffy said.

“Damn,” SY said.

“Not to mention we’re already five pages in,” Agent said.

Back on Earth...

The newly formed clone Ben stepped out of the cloning machine, “Ugh, I am never going to get used to that,” he said, breathing in the cold steam.

“Welcome back kiwi,” Kevin said, shaking hands with the clone.

“And now it’s time for SMURF,” Stormhalt said, “Short Murderous Unnamed Random Fiascoes.”

“That’s not what it stands for!” Ben shouted.

“It isn’t?!!” Stormhalt quivered.

Werewolf vs. Killer Rabbit

Killer Rabbit hopped into the arena, as the Werewolf lunged forward howling at the full moon. Immediately the Killer Rabbit leapt forward decapitating the Werewolf in one simple strike.

Winner is the Killer Rabbit...

“That has got to be the shortest battle in SMURF history,” Kevin said.

“I miss David Tennant,” Stormhalt said.

Back in Space...

“This trial by United Peoples Under Emperor Ctógò of Dark Lord ‘SY’ Augustus,” Guildenstern said, “The charges are Treason, 201,043,781 counts of murder varying degrees, Larceny, 100 counts of Extortion, Bribery, Drug Abuse, Three counts of Indecent Exposure.”
“Oh boy,” Jesse said.

“Don’t give up yet,” Falco said.

“Flying and Driving under the influence, Extortion on the Planetary Scale, Espionage, Blackmail, Hotmail, Gmail, Blasphemy, Conspiracy to commit murder, Conspiracy to Treason, Conspiracy to Conspire,” Guildenstern said, “And 1 unpaid parking ticket. We request no bail your honor. The defendant is the definition of flight risk, and public enemy.”
Emperor Ctógò leaned forward from out of the shadows; he was a mushroom-amphibian like alien with three eyes. He was bald, smelt of decaying fish, a prominent fangs, and pale yellow eyes. “How do we plead,” Ctógò asked.

“Not guilty,” David Tennant said.

“Yeah we are screwed,” Falco said.

“The people calls Detective Phillip Falco,” Guildenstern said.

“Did you just say the ‘People calls’?” SY cackled pointing at Guildenstern.

“Mr. Augustus please restrain yourself,” Ctógò said.

Falco approached the seat up in front; the twelve jurors eyed him suspiciously. Guildenstern held forward the holy book of Ctógò. “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so Ctógò help you?” Guildenstern asked.

“I guess,” Falco said.

“How would you describe Mr. Augustus and your relationship with him,” Guildenstern asked, putting the book away.

“I would describe Dark Lord SY as a stupid megalomaniacal moron who loves to kill people with no apparent provocation. He is racially insensitive, ignorant, and is afraid of limes,” Falco said, “Agent on the other hand is just the opposite. He is incredibly thoughtful, smart, and nice.”“I believe the question was about Augustus,” Guildenstern said, “Not this ‘Agent’ person.”

“No but Agent and SY they’re the same guy,” Falco said, pointing at SY.

“Yes we’ve heard the rumors,” Guildenstern said, “We all know they aren’t true... The People rest...”

David Tennant stood up and approached Falco, “Now Mr. Falco if this ‘Agent’ person and ‘SY’ are the same person then just tell us about his good side,” he said, winking.

“Well it’s like I said, Agent is nice, kind, understanding, smart,” Falco said.

“Objection!” Guildenstern said, “He’s feeding the witness answers!”

“Mr. Tennant tread carefully,” Ctógò said.

Half a trial later...

“Well that cut the episode in half,” Falco muttered, watching from the sidelines with Jesse and Ben.

“Mr. Augustus did you commit the crimes mentioned earlier?” Guildenstern asked.

“Darn straight,” SY said, now on the stand, “And I’d do ‘em again in a heartbeat.”

The Jurors all gasped...

Near the end of the trial...

“And need I remind you that helping this traitor is a crime punishable by death,” Guildenstern said in his closing argument, “Make your vote matter.”“I’m an actor, not a lawyer, I have nothing,” David Tennant said, beguiled.

Five minutes later...

“Have the people made their decision?” Ctógò asked.

“We have your Honor,” A juror said, “We find the Defendant, Augustus guilty of all counts.”“Then,” Ctógò said, “I sentence you to the Bruits chamber to die a day later. And that goes for your allies too.”

“What?!!” David Tennant shouted.

Six armored guards placed handcuffs around Agent’s, Falco’s, Jesse’s, Will’s, Ben’s, and David’s hands. They then jammed their rapiers into their prisoner’s backs, edging them forward.

“Man, this sucks!” Will said.

“Yeah,” Ben said.

Ctógò escorted SY down, “I didn’t want to do this SY,” he said, “It makes me sad to see such a worthy adversary go down like this.”“Oh-ho, don’t worry,” SY said, “I’ll be out of here in no time.”“We shall see,” Ctógò said, going the other way.

Soon enough the heroes were brought to a metal door, they were un-handcuffed and shoved inside. It was a massive dome inside, a crystal dome, perfectly see through. It was there that they realized that they were on top of a massive space-station, and there right beside it was the Earth. “Wow, this is like the third time this has happened,” Jesse commented.

It was smooth tiles inside, “What exactly is a Bruits chamber?” Falco asked.

“It’s a chamber that amplifies moonlight and then uses it to burn people alive,” Agent said, calmly.

“Reassuring,” Jesse said.

“How long do we have?” Will asked.

“About five minutes,” Agent said.

“I never thought it would come to this,” Will said.

“Gentlemen, it’s been an honor,” Falco said.

The commentators on board nodded, “I’m getting out of here!” SY said, smacking into the glass wall.

“Oy, Doctor use your sonic wrench or whatever it’s called to get us out of here!” SY shouted.

“Why should I help you?!!” David asked, “This is all your fault we’re all going to die because of you!”

“What better way is there to die,” SY asked.

David ran forward and began to strangle SY, SY kicked him in the groin.

Dark Lord SY vs. David Tennant

David staggered backward but punched SY backward, making the alien warlord loose a tooth. “Fantastic,” David muttered before punching SY again and again.

SY telekinetically shoved David backward, but the BBC actor was back on his feet and delivered a bicycle kick to his opponent. SY back-flipped over kicking David on to the glass. David pulled himself up just dodging a punch from SY. Tennant then grabbed SY’s head and smashed it against the glass repeatedly. SY whipped the blood off his mouth and backfisted Tennant.

After that SY released a volley of fireballs all of which Tennant dodged. SY grumbled and tried to jump kick David, but the actor grabbed on to his leg. SY’s leg was smashed onto David Tennant’s knee, breaking it.

“Okay you know what,” SY asked, “I surrender.”

DAVID TENNANT WINS!!!

Despite SY’s surrender, David smashed SY into the wall and then crushed his head into the tile with his foot. “F**K YOU, YOU M**********G SON OF A B***H!!!” Tennant said.

At this point David Tennant had been invited to appear on a lame show, abducted by aliens, forced to be a lawyer, and was now imprisoned he had now lost his sanity. “Just calm down and look at the moon,” Will said, patting David on the shoulder and directing him to the moon, “The thing that is about to burn us to death.”

David stared at the moon and laughed hysterically as his irises and pupils began to disappear. “I think he’s lost it,” Ben said.

“I concur,” Jesse said.

SY looked up as David continued to chuckle manically. “What is his problem?!!” Agent asked.

The moonlight began to shoot through the dome, covering the heroes. Tennant looked at the commentators like a starved tiger would a deer. “I’m backing up now,” Falco said, walking backward slowly.

“Yeah me too,” Agent said.

Jesse, Will, and Ben also backed up. “What’s wrong?” Tennant cackled, “Scared?”

Tennant turned to face the moon again and continued to chuckle. His heart began to beat rapidly and loudly, even the commentators could hear it. Tennant’s eyes no longer had pupils or irises, they had vanished. A tail suddenly shot out from underneath his suit, and Tennant began to ripple with muscles. Hair began to grow all over his body as he grew in size, his face extended further. “What’s happening?!!” Jesse asked.

Tennant began to grow bigger and bigger his features becoming more and more distorted, “Taste my true power!” he shouted.

“David Tennant...” Agent said, “is...a saiyan?!!”

The Great Ape finally reached its full height as David looked down, “Not just the average actor am I now?” He asked, his voice booming, “Maybe I should have been a Special Guest Star, hmmmm?!!”

The surface suddenly imploded under the Great Ape’s weight. “We need help!” Jesse said.

“Who’d help us now?!!” Will asked.

“I have an idea!” Agent said.

“Well what is it?!!” Falco asked.

“Final match!” Agent shouted.

KaiserGhidorah vs. Great Ape David Tennant

KaiserGhidorah rushed into outer space to rescue the Commentators. Only to be met by the massive Great Ape. The two were at first confused startled by the other’s presence. But soon Tennant engaged the first blow. “Super Galick Gun!” He shouted, shooting an energy blast at KaiserGhidorah.

KaiserGhidorah dodged it with relative ease and retorted with a gravity beam, to which Tennant dodged with ease. The two immediately engaged in melee combat, Tennant punching the three headed dragon, while KaiserGhidorah grabbed Tennant’s shoulders with two mouths and began to drain energy. Tennant hissed and bit down the middle neck. KaiserGhidorah struggled to break free but it was no use.

Finally the outer heads let go but Tennant did not let go of the middle head. Finally the middle head came off. Tennant chuckled and spat the neck out. “Death Ball!” He shouted, firing a massive energy wave, but it collided with two gravity waves.

KaiserGhidorah struggled to keep the Death Ball from coming any closer and managed to push it back to Tennant. “Galick Gun!” he shouted, shooting an energy wave into the back of the Death Ball.

The immense force was too much the Death Ball shot forward and completely obliterated KaiserGhidorah.

DAVID TENNANT WINS!!!

As the Great Ape won he pounded his chest in victory, “What do you think of my power now b***h who do you think you are?” He growled, but then the floor gave way and the Great Ape sunk into the ship below.

While this provided the heroes with the means to escape it was dangerous as now David Tennant the legendary Saiyan warrior was somewhere inside. “Well we’re about to breakout of prison with our worst enemy, on a damaged ship crawling with hostiles, and there’s a 300 foot monkey on the loose. What could be worse?” Jesse asked.

Agent pointed out the window, “The fact that we’re about to crash into Earth’s atmosphere!” he said.

“S**T!” Jesse said.

Back on Earth...

“David Tennant’s gone mad and there’s a spaceship about to crash into Earth,” Kevin said.

“Oh crap!” Stormhalt said.

“There’s only one man we can call to help us in this situation,” Kevin said.

“Who’s that?” Ben asked.

Kevin picked up the phone and dialed the operator, “Yes, hello,” he said, “Yes, get me Christopher Eccleston...”

To be continued...

TDWF Episode 13

2008-04-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

TDWF XIII: Resurrection and Revenge

“Nice title isn’t it?” Agent said.

“Yeah but it isn’t clear until you’ve read the script,” Jesse said.

“Meh true,” Agent said.

“Back too the script, speaking of which,” Jesse said, “My Agent you seem to be acting much better.”

“Thank you,” Agent said, bowing.

“What happened anyway,” Falco asked.

“Psychic output into my head,” Agent said.

“Ow…” Will said, “That had to hurt.”

“Oh and a notice to our audience Kevin and Stormhalt are currently in therapy to deal with Stormhalt’s kleptomania,” Falco announced.

“You sure that’s safe,” Will said, “Stormhalt is a claustrophobic.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Jesse said.

“I don’t know it’s just a recurring gag that we call Stormhalt afraid of something different each week,” Will said.

“Oh,” Jesse said.

“You know,” Falco said, “It surprises me that we haven’t gotten on to the story arc yet.”

“Yeah,” Will said.

“Where’s Ben?” Agent said.

“He’s filling in for Stormhalt,” Will said.

“Ah,” Agent said.

“There is nothing to do,” Falco said, “I mean there’s no villain.”

“I’m going downstairs,” Agent said, “I have something to take care of.”

“You do that,” Jesse said, “No more psychic outputs we’re already over-budget here.”

Downstairs…

Agent went to his room and pulled out a dark blue war coat, he put it on and wore a white suit-like top underneath. He looked at himself in the mirror as his blue eyes slowly shifted to a green. His hair suddenly got spiked, yet it was neither wet nor static. ‘Agent’ cracked his knuckles and stared at his reflection, “Honey,” he said, “I’m home!”

He examined the sinister mark on his chest; he never did wash it off, not because he was lazy but because it wouldn’t. ‘Agent’ slid on an obsidian ring with some sort of hieroglyphics on it. He then went further downstairs.

Upstairs…

“So shall we get on with the first battle?” Falco asked.

“We’re only two pages in,” Will said, “We never start this early.”

“I get the feeling something bad is about to happen,” Falco said.

“Oh stop worrying even though we have cast cutbacks we can still do the show,” Jesse said.

Suddenly a message came up on the computer, Will clicked it. “Hey good news!” he proclaimed.

“What?” Jesse said.

“The writer finally came up with ideas for post-season five stories!” Will shouted.

“You mean people actually want this show still on the air?!” Jesse said, “We have the worst plotlines and gags since Family Guy!”

“Hey Family Guy was popular enough to be revived by DVD sales,” Will said.

Downstairs…

“Victory is mine!” ‘Agent’ whispered, creeping into the SMURF room.

Upstairs…

“First match!” Falco shouted.

Oodako vs. King Seesar

Oodako crept into the arena, easy not to alert his feline opponent to his presence. The snap of a tree that was to the Giant Octopus like a twig; King Seesar immediately cocked his head in curiosity.

Oodako looked up at the taller monster and grinned, King Seesar charged forward. Oodako rolled out of the way and spread a tentacle across the lion monster’s path. King Seesar fell, but rolled forward and quickly stood back up. The giant Octopus continued to stare back into King Seesar’s eyes.

King Seesar leapt forward and attempted to kick the cephalopod contender. Oodako ducked but grabbed a hold of King Seesar’s legs; he then crept up them and on to his chest. The arthropod archrival began to strangle his…

“Octopuses aren’t arthropods!” Jesse shouted.

Whatever…Anyway King Seesar gasped for air as Oodako continued to strangle him. King Seesar finally snapped forward and bit the cephalopod in the head. Oodako screamed and leapt backward, letting go. King Seesar leapt up stomped the Octopus and then dropped kick him into the ocean.

….
…

A few seconds passed and a white flag slowly bobbed to the surface. KING SEESAR WINS!

“Agent sure has been gone long,” Falco said.

“Meh, that ET can take care of himself,” Jesse said.

“Don’t make fun of that movie!” Will said.

“I could never get into is personally,” Falco said.

“Me either,” Jesse said.

“Anyway on to SMURF!” Will said.

Downstairs…

“Hello and welcome to SMURF!” Ben said, “Small Monster ur…rats…f**k I can’t remember what it stands for.”

Agent crept up behind Ben and placed a device on his head. Agent spoke into a microphone. “Testing, testing,” Agent said, “One two three testing.”

Ben’s eyes light up and stared blankly forward, “Testing, testing,” Ben said, “One two three testing.”

“Excellent,” Agent said.

“Excellent,” Ben repeated.

“If your blue and you don’t know where to go to,” Agent sang.

“Puttin’ on the Ritz!” Ben sang.

“Not my part but still good,” Agent said outside the microphone, he then said into the microphone, “Praise Dark Lord SY!”

“Praise Dark Lord SY,” Ben shouted.

“Now on to our next match,” Agent said, Ben then repeated.

Ernie the Giant Chicken vs. Reek

Ernie marched into the arena he crowed and began to scratch the ground. The Reek simply trotted, unfazed by the giant Chicken’s presence. Ernie ran forward and the Reek began to charge forward. The Reek lowered its horns and smashed into a flurry of feathers. But Ernie is a bird and he jumped atop the charging alien rhinoceros.

The Giant Chicken jumped off and squawked and he then pulled out a laser blaster. The Reek charged forward but Ernie shot it as it ran past him, killing the beast instantly. Ernie dove out of the way as the dead body shot past, its red scales reflecting the sunlight.

Ernie leapt up and crowed triumphantly over his victory. Suddenly a bullet shot through his head, killing the king of cockerels instantly. “It’s just been revoked,” a man in a white suit said, adjusting his gun.

“Peter,” his dog said, coming from out the shadows, “He really didn’t set you up for that Lethal Weapon line.”

Peter blew the smoke off his gun, “I’ll have what she’s having,” Peter said.

“Peter I don’t see why we had to come all the way out to Hawaii to shoot a chicken,” Lois said.

“Because Lois,” Peter said, “the Chicken gave me a bad coupon.”

Suddenly Falco ran out, “Alright people move out Private Property! Private Property!” he shouted.

“Hey you can’t do this; this is AMERICA,” Peter protested.

“Yeah I’m going to press charges of trespassing and interference if you don’t leave now sir!” Falco said.

“Well where’s the law around here, huh? I’ve got a buddy who’s a cop who’d love to kick your butt if he wasn’t paralyzed!” Peter said.

“I am the law here,” Falco said, shoving them out, “Stay in your own freaking TV show!”

With the guest stars from Family Guy out of the picture, Falco stood proud. FALCO WINS!

“Another weird battle,” Agent said, Ben repeated.

Agent went upstairs, Ben following closely behind him. Falco took a sip of coffee, “Agent,” he said, “It’s not Halloween, it was your idea not to do a special.”

Agent cocked his head at an odd angle, “Agent?” he whispered, and he then added “I was in a different outfit sort of mood.”

“Next match,” Will said.

Zigra vs…

“Hey! HEY!” Agent said waving his hands, “This is my moment to shine the freaking FFC! I AM BLEEDING TALKING!”

“So what you’re going to be all risqué and stuff?” Falco said.

“H**l yeah,” Agent said.

“You know we should be getting back to Zigra’s round,” Will said.

“Who the heck cares about Zigra?!!” Agent protested, “Come, I have need for you.”

“What did you loose your Doctor Who DVDs again? I’m not helping you find them again,” Jesse said.

“Hey who unplugged this?” Falco said, looking at the LRDSR.

Everyone began to look around before their eyes settled on Ben, who was currently entirely unaware of anything around him; then their eyes shifted to Agent.

ZIGRA WINS!!!

“Great just great,” Jesse said, “Now we missed the battle…”

Agent suddenly clicked a button on his watch, and all five commentators vanished in a blue light.

On board the Lsy Bams…

“Lsy Bams?” Falco said.

“It was supposed to be an acronym, bloody typos,” Agent said.

“Where are we?” Jesse said, rubbing his head.

“Don’t you get it?” Agent said.

“Get what?” Jesse said.

“I AM DARK LORD SY,” Agent chuckled manically.

“Yes, yes we know!” Jesse and Falco shouted.

“You told us this in the first season!” Will said.

“What does LSYBAMS stand for anyway,” Falco asked.

“Lord SY’s big ass mothership,” Ben said.

“That’s lame even by your/Agent’s standards,” Falco said.

“And why do you need our help,” Will said, “You tried to kill us last time.”

“I need your help because I am being put on trial by the Emperor Ctogo,” SY said.

“Didn’t we destroy him last season,” Jesse asked.

“Yeah, small little cardboard fellow,” Will added.

“No you idiot that was Shaw,” SY said.

“Why are you gathering people who will testify against you?” Falco said, “Shouldn’t you be killing us?”

“Shut up!” Jesse whispered to Falco.

“I need you to testify for me,” SY said, “Testify for Agent, it’s not lying it’s just bending the truth just slightly.”

“And what do we get in return?” Jesse asked.

“Your life and your liberty,” SY said.

“And if we refuse?” Will said.

SY extended a hand and telekinetically pulled Ben into his arms. “I kill the kiwi,” He said, grinning, holding his hands around Ben’s head, “Wait, didn’t I kill you last season?”

Ben didn’t flinch, “The Machiavellian megalomaniac has him in some sort of mind control device!” Jesse noticed, he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and pointed it at Ben.

Ben suddenly broke free, “WTQ??!” he shouted, “Get me out of here!”

“Hey you can’t do that!!” Fluffy’s voice suddenly broke through, letting Ben go.

“Yes I can Fluffy!” SY snapped back at himself.

“You agreed to let the TDWF be!” Fluffy said.

“I can do what I want; I’m not living my empire to decay in my absence!” SY said, “I don’t care about these puny mortals and their lime trees!”

“What is with you and limes?!” Fluffy said.

“They taste horrible!” SY said.

SY suddenly grabbed himself by the neck, “Either join with me or Fluffy gets it,” SY said, “And you’re never getting off this ship.”

Falco suddenly held out a gun and shot SY in the leg, SY snapped Fluffy’s neck by twisting it at a 460° angle with a distinctive cracking noise, which was in fact his own as well. Falco shot SY again in the head, then in the chest. “Should have done that along time ago,” he said.

“Wasn’t that just a little bit too gory,” Will said.

“He’ll recover,” Falco said.

Jesse took a pulse, “No, I don’t think so,” he said, “He’s dead…”

“Final match,” Ben said.

Zigra vs. King Seesar

King Seesar marched into the arena and Zigra quietly slithered into the arena….

“We’re back!” Kevin said.

“Hello,” Stormhalt said, taking a nickel he saw on the floor.

“Anyone?” Kevin said.

Stormhalt saw a letter on the table, underneath Kevin’s coffee mug. He handed it to Kevin, Kevin read aloud:

Dear Kevin and Stormhalt,
We regret to inform you that due to the second advent of the glorious Dark Lord SY your friends and your business have been taken hostage in a role to save the most glorious emperor of the galactic quadrants. If you wish to be involved yourself please call 1-411811-1215184-1915 to speak to an imperial representative. On behalf of the entire SY Empire thank you for your corporation…

“Oh-no,” Kevin said.

“Oh-no,” Stormhalt said.

“OH YEAH!” The Kool-Aid guy said, bursting through the walls.

“AHHHHHHH!” Stormhalt said, running away.
“Wrong episode,” Kevin said.

“Ah crap,” The Kool-Aid guy said, going away.

ZIGRA WINS!!!

Back in space…

“Ah crap,” Jesse said.

Ben chuckled, “I survived an episode!” he cheered.

Suddenly SY’s once dead hand clinched, Ben’s body burst into flames and the New Zealander instantly burst into flames, incinerating him instantly. SY’s head turned around 460° degrees, cracking again, his head healed and he stood up. “You killed Benny…again,” Falco said.

“Double bastard,” Jesse said.

“And you four are next,” SY grinned, as his minions began to walk in phalanx formation behind him…

To be continued…

TDWF Episode 12

2008-03-07T11:40:00.000-08:00

TDWF Episode XII: Match of Insanity

“I guess that’s a good title,” Jesse said, “Match of insanity, people will spend all day pondering what it means.”

“Good Morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the TDWF,” Will proudly shouted.

“Ogenki desu ka? Ohirugohan!” Ben shouted.

“No, no,” Falco said, “You just said ‘How are you? Lunch!’ Just say Ohayoo!”

“Ohio!” Ben shouted.

“Your Japanese needs more practice grasshopper,” Falco said.

“I thought this was Chinese,” Ben said.

“Hey where is the Kaiju-telepath translator?” Agent asked.

“Why?” Jesse said, taking a sip of tea.

“I need for something,” Agent responded.

“What kind of something?” Jesse asked.

“It’s just an experiment,” Agent said, “I need to brief the kaiju on the rules and expectations.”

“Yeah that’s fine,” Jesse said, “Lab floor, Room 2, chamber five, second door on the left. Combination is 2, 6, 7, 8.”

“Thanks!” Agent said, running downstairs.

“Nice to see him finally doing something productive,” Jesse said.

“Indeed,” Falco said.

Downstairs in Chamber five....

Agent entered the code, he pulled out what appeared to be Ear Phones with needles in the dead center. He set those down and pulled out a satellite cone and proceeded to weld it to the telepath machine.

Upstairs...

“What is he doing?” Will said, “With my tools?!!”

“That’s what she said!” Ben replied, “No but seriously that thing had a bad signal, he’s probably just amplifying it.”

Downstairs...

Agent picked up the telepath machine and carried it out of the lab and to the main computer. Oddly the machine weighed at the very least 1,000 pounds, but Agent picked up silently nonetheless. He set it down and attached some wires to the Motherboard of the main computer.

He then melded in the Ear Phones; Agent entered the computer and pulled up a file called STFU. Agent entered the password and the file proceeded to upload through the machines. Agent inserted the Earphones into his ears. It hurt like hell, but obviously the commentator was doing what he was doing for a very specific reason.

Agent cracked his knuckles and then hit a red button. An alarm blared as the temperature soared up into the 200s, smoke and steam sizzled all around him as electricity cackled around him. At then points in Agent’s skin began to sizzle and crackle, burning him.

The commentator did not flinch though his pulse raced wildly. Finally as the lights flashed throughout TDWF tower and the computer flickered to a seizurious degree, the power was drained. The fire extinguishing water system on the ceiling was released, spraying water all over Agent.

Agent dragged the machinery apart and put it back in its’ respective places. Agent sighed and walked upstairs.

Upstairs...

“Agent you killed the power!” Jesse shouted.

Agent stammered up shivering wildly and dizzy, his hair spiked with static, and a slightly mischievous grin on his face. “Apparently that’s a...a...seee---...side effect!” he chuckled, clearly disoriented.

Agent collapsed, Kevin picked him back up and slumped him in his chair. Agent grumbled and tried to stay awake but was far to warn out, Jesse flickered a light in his eyes. Agent’s pupils did not dilate, Jesse took his temperature. “Wow,” he said, “You have a fever 112 Fahrenheit, that’s a new record.”

“Blargh,” Agent said, “Let the games continue.”

“You heard the chairman,” Will said, “First match!”

Agent chuckled and grinned stupidly.

Viras vs. Titanosaurus

Viras trotted the squid chuckling in supremacy, his hawk-like eyes studying everything around him. Titanosaurus, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen. The squid-monster was confused, where was his saurian opponent?

Suddenly Titanosaurus leapt from underneath the forest launching directly for the top of Viras’ quasi-obelisk head. Viras hoped the reptile would do this, the four corners of his cranium clamped. Titanosaurus was instantly impaled on the sharp head.

Viras grinned; sadly being a poorly fashioned monster to begin with he could to little more. Viras struggled to use his tentacles to escape. Titanosaurus was more stunned than anything and did not fall over or react.

The alien squid struggled to strangle his saurian….

“Saurian...” Jesse asked.

Well there is no word for enemy that start’s with ‘S’, but you get the idea.

“HA!” Agent sputtered, slime drizzling from his mouth, “Thas funny!”

“Ewww...” Jesse said.

Sadly the saturnine squid could do no real damage. Titanosaurus suddenly snapped back into reality, he saw the squid inside him. The reptile hissed, he suddenly leaned backward. Forcing Viras out of his chest, Titanosaurus caught the squid.

Titanosaurus then body slammed the alien invader…

1…2…3 Titanosaurus wins!

Agent’s tongue hung out, it was a deep purple in coloration and just longer than a regular person’s. “Gah Agent put that away,” Jesse said, disgusted.

“Yeah,” Falco said, “You’re an alien, and you have a long purple tongue we get it!”

Agent swallowed his tongue and hissed. His eyes went cross-eyed, “You guys think yer…ye-…ye-…ye-…er…ye….er…YER so smart but YER not!” he proclaimed, “This isn’t over for I will…I will…I will survive?...I will…I will..Con-…I will take a nap.”

Agent collapsed and fell asleep. “What is HE smoking?” Will said.

“I don’t want to know,” Kevin said.

“Did we get the power back on?” Falco said.

“I’m working on it,” Ben said, heading downstairs to the power room.

Ben departed for the downstairs, “Can you get me a coffee while you’re at it?” Falco asked.

“Sure,” Ben said.

Will leaned back in his chair, “You know it sure is nice not having Ben die spontaneously in every episode,” he said.

“Amen on that,” Jesse said.

“ARGH!” Kevin shouted.

“What??!” Will stammered.

“I have that song stuck in my head,” Kevin said.

“What song?” Jesse asked, “I will survive! Dang it Agent!”

“Why do we always have obscure song references in this series anyway only about 40% of the audience gets the reference anyway,” Falco said.

“It’s our writer,” Will said, “The music he listens too. You know he only has plotlines thought up until Season 5? With few ideas concerning Season 6?”

“Yeah I heard that,” Jesse said.

“I will survive as long as I know how to love,” Falco whispered, “Dang it!”

“Well let’s sing another song to past the time,” Will said.

“It’s peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at?” Kevin sang, “Now there he go there he go!”

“No something else,” Will said he then sang, “Follow me, don’t follow me.

I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
Collar me, don’t collar me
I’ve got my spine; I’ve got my orange crush
We are agents of the three
I’ve had my fun and now it’s time to
Serve your conscience overseas (over me, not over me)

High on the booze
In a tent
Paved with blood,
Nine-inch howl,
Brave the night,
Chopper comin’ in, you hope

Follow me, don’t follow me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
Collar me, don’t collar me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got m orange crush
We are agents of the free
I’ve had fun and now it’s time to
Serve your conscience overseas (over me, not over me)
Coming in fast, over me!”

So Will continued singing ‘Orange Crush’ by REM. Till Ben came back up and the power snapped back into existence. “Next battle,” Falco shouted, clapping his hands expectantly.

Manda vs. Gurion

Manda slithered into the arena staring down his opponent: Gurion. Gurion began to charge forward, the knife-faced monster preparing to trample his opponent. Manda immediately rolled up into a ball, and positioned himself directly in the middle of Gurion’s path.

As Gurion ran over Manda immediately sprang forward constricting Gurion and immediately halting the alien rhino’s advance. Gurion groaned and tripped and rolled forward, Manda still tightly wrapped around his body. Gurion fired a shooting star only to have it miss and hit him on the back, furthering his pain.

The Space Rhino’s eyes’ began to bulge as he suffocated. Finally Gurion coughed up a white flag.

Manda wins!!

“Ha!” Falco said, “That’s fifty bucks you owe me Agent!”

Agent drooled as he mumbled something. “Agent” Falco said, pushing up the commentator’s chin.

“Totus hail glorificus obscurum Abbas Diabolus suggero!” Agent shouted, before going unconscious again.

“What is wrong with him?” Will said.

“Well,” Kevin said, examining him, “It appears he may be in some kind of drunken slash post-traumatic stress syndrome. I don’t know, with his physiology it could be anything. Your opinion Jesse?”

“Well like you said with his physiology it’s hard to say,” Jesse said, “I know sometimes he has growing pains. If you want my opinion he has a more flexible endo-skeleton beneath his human one that is still growing, that hurts him a lot of the time.”

“What?” Will said.

“Think of him as a butterfly,” Jesse said, “The outer shell is just a cocoon, once that butterfly breaks through he’ll shed his human appearance. He’s been growing for about 200 years now.”
“I thought Agent was 21,” Ben said.

“He only says that to fit in among humans,” Jesse says, “I suspect that’s why he drinks so much milk to grow that skeleton slash new body.”

“You know I recall Agent saying he was orphaned,” Kevin said, incidentally breaking doctor patient confidentiality, “His lack of…nursing…would accommodate for his lack of transformation.”

“He’s 200 years old?” Ben asked.

“According to carbon dating his birth date could be no earlier than 1778 AD roughly,” Jesse said, “Making him around 230 years old.”

“Damn,” Falco said, “And I’ve known him since high school.”

“230?” Will said, “Can we even test that accurately?”

“Its sci-fi and we’re building to a climax with this plot,” Jesse said, “So yes, we can.”

“And now on to SMURF!” Falco said, “Something monsters united righteous fluffing?”

In the SMURF chamber…

Stormhalt pawed through a wallet of some kind, counting the money. There was then a loud buzzing sound, Stormhalt screamed and looked up. “Ah hello and welcome to SMURF Small Monsters Undivided Ring Fighting!” he proclaimed, “Today we have…”

Back up top…

“Hey that’s my wallet!” Kevin said, running downstairs.

Back in the SMURF chamber…

“I was talking!” Stormhalt said, “Today we have…”

Kevin burst through the door, “You stole my wallet, give it back.”

“No I didn’t,” Stormhalt said, putting away the wallet.

“Yes you did you Emtophobe!” Kevin said.

“No I didn’t you Coulrophobe!” Stormhalt said.

“Yeah you did you Nosophobe!” Kevin said, “What’s that?!!”

Kevin pointed to the wallet, “What’s what?” Stormhalt said, looking around.

“THIS!” Kevin said, slapping Stormhalt with the wallet.

“I didn’t take it!” Stormhalt says.

Falco got on the speakers, and spoke loudly:

Stormhalt vs. Kevin

Kevin punched Stormhalt; Stormhalt round-house kicked Kevin back. The two commentators began lunging for each other’s throats. Within seconds Stormhalt’s desk was smashed and splinters were embedded in both men.

“SILENCE!” Agent’s voice commanded, resounding from where he was, “HYPOCRATIC OATH KEVIN! THE MAN IS OBVIOUSLY A KLEPTOMANIAC!”

Kevin and Stormhalt looked up, “You know he’s probably right,” Kevin shrugged.

Agent roared as everything not secured to the ground began to sway towards him. Bottles, paper, a few loose tiles, among other things as TDWF tower shook. Kevin and Stormhalt immediately came up to attend to the chairman. An email bulletin came through the computer. “Huh,” Jesse said, “Apparently the Moon has moved in two miles closer to Earth, tidal warning in effect.”

“Last match,” Agent said, collapsing.

Titanosaurus vs. Manda

Titanosaurus marched forward scanning for his opponent, self-confident in his ability. Manda crept out from the trees, the serpent hissing at his foe. Titanosaurus continued to march forward, Manda preparing to leap again on his foe. But Titanosaurus knew what to expect.

Manda lunged forward as Titanosaurus came within striking distance. Titanosaurus grabbed Manda by the neck and attempted to strangle the snake. Manda squirmed and tried to latch onto Titanosaurus’ chest. Titanosaurus snapped one of Manda’s vertebrate; Manda launched forward using the adrenaline caused by the pain. Titanosaurus struggled to pull the snake off his nose, but it didn’t work.

Finally the dinosaur titan bit into Manda who was hanging wildly from his nostrils. Manda roared and let go, Titanosaurus immediately began stomping the snake. Manda was unable to move…

1…2…3…TITANOSAURUS WINS!!

“Haud Abbas Diabolus, Nolo efficio vestri bidding. Qua est Matris?” Agent muttered.

“Does anyone have a clue what he is talking about?” Jesse said.

“No idea,” Kevin said.

“Si vos took vicis ut reddo is,” Agent muttered, “Vos es populatio vestri vicis! I amo caseus!”

“Well that’s all the show; so come back next week same time and place,” Falco said, “BUT IN HIGH-DEFINITION!”

“Sayonara,” Kevin said.

“I survived an episode!” Ben said!

“I AM REBORN!” Agent said, snapping back into reality.

To be continued….

TDWF Episode 11

2008-03-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

TDWF XI: The Machiavellian Squid

It has been roughly half a year since the TDWF
fended off the Two-Dimensional Menace that was Lord Shaw. It has been Three months since they fended off the undead doubles of one of their own.

But slowly out of the blackness of space comes the third space power, a force both
SY and Shaw fought tooth and claw against. This creature had a name
That meant fear long before their day.

“What an entirely misleading title,” Jesse said.

“What matters is that we got renewed for a third season after that entirely bizarre Holiday Special,” Will said.

“Additionally, for some reason, we’ve been upped from a ‘G’ rating to a ‘14’ rating,” Falco said, “More violence in this season apparently.”

“Where is Agent?” Ben said, “Or Kevin, we need them to get started.”

“They’re doing a separate sequence,” Falco said, “Which we will cut to now.”

In the Therapy Room...

“So why do you think you’re so depressed Eric,” Kevin said, jotting notes down.

Agent was sprawled out in a lounge chair, “I don’t know... Ever since I was a young child growing up on Planet Yopter third planet in the system, you call the system Albireo in the constellation of Cygnus,” Agent said, “I never met biological parents...This is confidential right?”

“Yes of course,” Kevin said, adjusting his reading glasses, “I read your blood results you do know you aren’t human right?”

“Yes,” Agent said, “I do find that troublesome too, fitting amongst all of you. I look and sound just like you guys, but that’s only skin deep... And the truth is Agent may be a name, and Eric Augustine may be my real name. But it isn’t, SY invented me the alias when I landed here. The only real name I know is Augustus, which is our true name.”

“Would you prefer it if we called you ‘Augustus’?” Kevin asked.

“No,” Agent said, “I like being called Eric; it helps me forget I’m a space-fugitive.”

“Do you feel some obligation to go back to Space?” Kevin asked.

“Actually I do, SY said he would return to the worlds he left when he came here to conquer,” Agent said, “Those worlds have been left in utter...darkness and thoughtlessness Heaven knows what Shaw has been up too.”

“Well Eric,” Kevin said, “I think you’re worrying to much about things around space. Just let things take their course, worry about things down on Earth, and relax you’re in good company.”

“Thanks Kev,” Agent said, “I’ll try to...”

Back on top...

Kevin and Agent walked upstairs, Agent rubbed his eyes. “Let’s get started,” he said.

“Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the third season of the TDWF!!” Will shouted, proudly.

“This season we’ve got smashing battles; new characters, epic wars, death, destruction, mayhem, fire, gore, blood, SEX!!!” Falco said, “Ha-ha-ha-ha! Take that censors!!”

“Um...um,” Ben said, tapping Falco on the shoulder, “We don’t have any of the last one...I mean we’re all guys...”

“Valid point,” Falco said.

“Too bad we can’t afford any more cast members,” Will said.

“Yeah,” Falco said.

“Hey!” Ben said, “Agent show everyone your new trick!”

“What new trick?” Jesse said, rolling his eyes.

“Lord Vadar can you hear me?” Ben said.

“Yes, master,” Agent said, “Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she all right?”

“Uh-oh,” Will said.

“It seems in your anger, you killed her,” Ben said.

“I...? I couldn’t have! She was alive; I felt it!” Agent said.

Agent roared and stood up and shouted, the whole of TDWF tower began to shake as the rolly chairs that Falco and Will sat in, began to move from side to side.

“NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Agent shouted.

Jesse’s Pepsi exploded in his hand. “Dude!” Jesse said, “Clean that up!”

Agent looked at Jesse, “Say please,” he said.

“Please,” Jesse said.

“Thank you,” Agent said, cleaning up the mess.

“Don’t do that Agent,” Will said, “You’re ruining the foundation!”

“First match of the day!” Falco proclaimed.

“Hey where’d my wallet go,” Kevin asked, looking at the vending machine.

Barugon vs. Gorosaurus

Barugon trotted into the arena he scanned the area for his opponent. His eyes narrowed, nothing, he snarled. Gorosaurus rose from the ground and bit into his opponent’s side. Barugon quickly swiveled out of the therapod’s grip. The frost dragon bit impaled Gorosaurus with his horn, before charging and sending him flying.

Gorosaurus snarled and struggled to get to his feet. Gorosaurus struggled to get to his feet, he roared and coughed up a small amount of blood. Barugon opened his mouth and his tongue shot out, again knocking over Gorosaurus. Then came the frost, Barugon covered his opponent with frost. Gorosaurus coughed but managed to get up, despite being absolutely frozen.

He got up and rushed to the side of his opponent. He then kangaroo-kicked his opponent to the ground. Gorosaurus bit into Barugon’s neck, Barugon shrieked and fired off his rainbow ray. Gorosaurus was burnt with the intense freeze ray, he immediately let go, but the beam kept on tracking him, spurting from Barugon’s spikes.

Barugon finally leapt and tackled his saurian opponent. Barugon’s nose horn made a large gash in Gorosaurus’ neck. Gorosaurus groaned as blood fell from his neck. Barugon knocked over his opponent….

1…2…3…Barugon wins!!!

“Seriously where the heck did my wallet go?” Kevin said, searching his pockets.

“Maybe you just left it in your room,” Agent said.

“No, I always have it just in case I get hungry,” Kevin said.

“Well don’t worry it’s got to be somewhere,” Jesse said, “You really think someone got on to the island and stole it?”

“Yes,” Kevin said, “I know I had it when I came up here. Gah, I have money in there.”

“Maybe this has something to do with the story arc this season,” Ben suggested.

“Maybe, or perhaps it’s just a subplot,” Will suggested.

“I have to agree with Will,” Agent said.

“You mean my money isn’t important?!! My ID card? My Visa card??!!” Kevin said.

“We’ve got the current best ratings on Primetime; ESPN is looking to broadcast us, and we’ve been nominated for an Emmy,” Agent said, “You’ll get your money back.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Kevin said.

“Next match?” Jesse suggested.

“Sure why not?” Will said.

MOGERA vs. SpaceGodzilla

MOGERA landed in the middle of the island, the robot didn’t make a sound. It just stood and stared, SpaceGodzilla however had yet to even show himself. MOGERA studied the area around, nothing, suddenly something, faint but rapidly approaching.

MOGERA lifted its mechanical head, the bulky outline of SpaceGodzilla clear as it eclipsed the sun. MOGERA immediately fired its spiral grenade; they instantly shot the flying dinosaur out of the sky. SpaceGodzilla crashed but promptly stood back up and roared, MOGERA said nothing in reply.

Lasers shot from the robot’s eyes blasting into SpaceGodzilla’s telekinetic shield. MOGERA then separated into the land MOGERA and the Star Falcon.

“Heh,” Falco said, “Falcon.”

The Star Falcon rapidly flew around SpaceGodzilla, making the extra-terrestrial dinosaur dizzy. The Land MOGERA shot out grenades, lasers, and missiles, at SpaceGodzilla. SpaceGodzilla was overcome.

“Hold on,” Kevin said, skipping through a book.

“What,” Agent said.

“I think that’s an illegal move,” Kevin said.

Ben stuck his finger in the book, “There,” he said, “Rule 12: No more than one entity may face a single opponent at a time.”

“But MOGERA is one entity,” Will said.

“Yeah MOGERA is but not the Land MOGERA and Star Falcon, that’s two entities,” Kevin said.

“He’s right,” Agent said, “If he hadn’t become separated he could continue, but he did so, unfortunately…”

Through disqualification SpaceGodzilla has won!

“Maybe we should clearly define the rules first of all,” Kevin said.

“Are you kidding?” Agent said, “The kaiju read them when they sign up.”

Agent gripped his back, “My back hurts,” he said.

“You want me to check it out?” Jesse suggested.

“No…” Agent said.

Suddenly a hand shot out from nowhere and grabbed Ben by the neck. “Augh!” Ben coughed, “Get it off me!”

Agent struggled to get off the hand, but he couldn’t with physical strength. He telekinetically ripped the hand off, “Bad hand!” he said, suspending it in the air.

But the hand broke free and punched over Agent. “Someone get a gun!” Agent shouted, trying to ‘force’ the hand off.

The hand wasn’t helping with Agent’s sudden pains, Will and Jesse both tried to pull off the hand. The hand was clearly human, but it was blood red and pulsating. Falco pulled out his gun and shot the hand, however it also shot Agent right in the chest. Agent collapsed…

“Oh my God!” Falco said, “I killed Eric!”

“Bastard,” Ben said, “Never thought I’d be the one saying that.”

Agent pulled the bullet out of his chest, as purple-blue blood pooled out. “It’s purple,” Will said, “That can’t be normal

“Yeah, Agent isn’t exactly….how do I put this?” Jesse said.

“Human?” Kevin said.

“Exactly,” Jesse said.

Agent chuckled, “Now you know who I am,” he breathed.

“And now you’re going to die,” Ben sighed.

Suddenly Agent’s wound began sealing up and healing inward. “Dang it Agent!” Jesse said, “You are one weird life form, and what’s that mark on your chest?!!”

“It looks like….yah know ‘The Omen,’ Damian or something,” Ben said.

“What an inappropriate joke,” Will noted, “Introducing kids to thoughts of the Antichrist.”

“Fine,” Agent said, “I’ll go wash it off”

Agent stomped off, downstairs… “And now!” Jesse said, “On to SMURF!”

In the SMURF Room…

The sound of reggae blaring loudly; Stormhalt was engaged in a magazine, ignorant to the world around him. “Yeah that one is going in the scrap book!” he said, looking at the pictures in the Playboy.

Stormhalt cut out the picture and placed it in a photo album. He continued looking through the magazine for a while, “STORMHALT!” Jesse’s voice came through the intercom, “You’re on air!”

Stormhalt scrambled to hide the magazine and the photo album, hiding them under his desk. “Yes…Yes…YES!!” He said, his pulse going wild, “AH!! Welcome to SMURF: Small Monster Unlimited Ring Fighting… Which is a better acronym than TDWF!”

“Well we’ve got a smashing show for you today!” He said, “With little monsters fighting it out! Let’s get on with it!”

Goro vs. Predalien

“PRINCE GORO!” Goro roared, “This puny alien will be no problem!”

The Predalien walked in, his mandibles clicking, he nodded and his dreadlocks coming forward then back. Goro charged forward knocking over the Predalien, who got quickly back on his feet. The Predalien immediately leapt for Goro’s neck, but Goro promptly deflected the xenomorph with one of his mighty arms.

The Predalien rapidly got up, only to see the mighty Shokan running right towards him. The Predalien rolled out his way and jumped onto Goro’s back. Goro struggled to grab the alien but he couldn’t, his build simply would not permit it.

Goro suddenly shifted his weight forward, slinging the Predalien off of him. Goro then ran forward and smashed the Predalien with one foot. “I DO! NOT! FAIL!” he said, smashing the xenomorph.

Suddenly the Predalien shot up, still very injured using it’s inner jaws to cut a hole in Goro’s knee. Goro looked down, “Disgusting,” he said, “Time to die!”

Goro then fell over in pain; he was too heavy to support on one leg. The Predalien scampered atop the Shokan, “Is it time to die? … at LAST!” Goro said, the Predalien shot its inner jaws through the disoriented Shokan’s head.

The Predalien wins….Fatality.

“Ewww, blood, ewww, blood,” Stormhalt said, trying not to vomit, “The Predalien wins!”

Stormhalt grabbed a brown paper bag, opened it, and gazed inside, “Back to you guys up top!” he said, vomiting into the bag.

Back on top…

“Ugh,” Jesse said, “Disturbed that one is.”

Ben snapped his fingers, “I just remembered something!” he proclaimed.

Ben ran down stairs, “Be right back,” he said.

“Take your time,” Jesse said.

“LAST BATTLE YEAH!” Agent proclaimed, coming back up and rubbing the blood out of his clothes, “Never thought I’d be strangled by my own hand.”

Barugon vs. SpaceGodzilla

Barugon trotted into the arena as SpaceGodzilla arrogantly strode into the arena. Barugon temporarily suspended himself on his hind legs and roared. SpaceGodzilla simply sneered and growled at his quadrupedal opponent.

The ice monster lunged for his opponent but SpaceGodzilla merely turned around and deflected him with his tail. SpaceGodzilla then spun around and unleashed his Corona Ray on Barugon.

Barugon hollered in pain but shot back with his freeze ray, not only canceling out the beam but freezing SpaceGodzilla’s throat. Perplexed by the feel SpaceGodzilla sputtered and spat, but he couldn’t as his spit was frozen to his tongue. Barugon came closer and began smashing SpaceGodzilla with his weight, not allowing the monster to budge.

SpaceGodzilla gazed at the ground underneath Barugon, suddenly three mighty crystals shot up impaling Barugon. Barugon’s oily black blood pooled from his mouth. SpaceGodzilla stood back and tried to roar but it came out more as a crude chuckle.

In a last ditch effort Barugon tried to fire his rainbow ray, as his mouth was too blood filled for his frost ray. But the rainbow ray went straight into the crystal, was absorbed, amplified, and then reflected. But because the energy was inside Barugon had not left it went out straight to him. The resulting explosion was so mighty that is completely obliterated Barugon flinging his innards and entrails everywhere.

SpaceGodzilla was also enveloped in the explosion but was less harmed due to his crystalline forcefield.

Because Barugon is no longer existence, SpaceGodzilla wins!

“Ewww….” Kevin said.

“Listen closely,” Will said, putting his finger to his lips, “One can almost here Stormhalt vomiting from here.”

“Ewww….” Kevin repeated.

“Where’s Ben?” Falco asked.

“Ewww….” Kevin said, again.

“I dunno,” Agent said, “We can’t end the show without him.”

“Ewww….” Kevin said.

“Stop saying ‘Ewww….’!” Jesse shouted.

“Okay….” Kevin said.

Ben rushed up stairs with a bizarre device that looked like a computer, telephone, a microwave, and an ATM all fused into one. Ben struggled to carry it up, Agent glared at the device; he picked it up with his mind and sat it down at the desk in front of him.

“What is that?” Jesse asked.

“Ewww….” Kevin said.

“STOP IT!” Jesse snapped.

“It’s a LRDSR!” Ben said.

“LRDSR?” Will said, “That’s almost as bad as an anagram as TDWF.”

“Acronym,” Agent corrected.

“Right better acronym than TDWF,” Will said.

“Ewww…” Kevin repeated.

“Shut up!” Jesse said.

“Hey!” Kevin said, “At least I don’t look like an armadillo!”

“Hey!” Jesse said.

“Anyways….” Will said.

“LRDSR,” Ben said, “Long Range Deep Space Radar.”

“Why would we need that??” Agent said.

“In case some alien decides to try to blow us up this season,” Ben said, plugging the device in.

“Ah,” Agent said.

“Well that’s our show for tonight!” Jesse said, “I am going to bed.”

Will yawned, “I think we all should sleep now, night!”

Jesse, Will, Kevin, Ben, and Falco went downstairs. “Agent you coming,” Falco asked.

“No,” he said, “You guys go, I think I’ll clean up here…It’s too messy.”

“Okay,” Falco said, heading down.

Agent laid back in his spiny chair and sighed, as the other commentators left he got up. The LRDSR began to beep, a yellow light flashing. Agent eyed it, he grinned menacingly. He unplugged the LRDSR…

To be continued…

TDWF Holiday Special

2008-03-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

TDWF: Night of the Living Bens

“C’mon focus Agent focus!” Falco said.

Agent stared intently at a 6 pound dumbbell; Agent closed his eyes and breathed out. The dumbbell lifted just three inches off the ground, as Agent became more intent with the weight. Agent opened his eyes and the weight fell, smashing the coffee table underneath.

“So close,” Falco said.

Agent struggled to retain his train of thought, Jesse stood up from the other side of the room. “Okay, I think that’s enough the human mind just isn’t made for such conditions,” he said.

Will walked over with the coffee only to see what had transpired. “Oi!” he shouted, “Zemmiphobe! Come over here and give us a hand!”

Stormhalt walked in, having been recently hired, “Don’t call me that!” he said.

“It’s true though,” Will muttered.

Stormhalt helped pick up Agent and put him on the one of the sofas. Agent groaned, and then closed his eyes. Agent stared at the coffee on Will’s tray, slowly the coffee rose from the tray, still inside the cup. It bobbled over to Agent until…

“HEY GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP STAT!” Ben barged in shouting.

Agent dropped the coffee and stared at the kiwi as he again tried to regain his train of thought. “What?” He said, clearly agitated.

“I was putting away the 2-4-5 Trioxin and I spilt it in the morgue!” Ben said.

“Why were you in the morgue anyway,” Jesse asked.

“We have a morgue?” Kevin asked.

“I was cleaning that’s where they say you are supposed to store Trioxin!” Ben said, “What do I do? What if I make a bunch of zombies?!!”

“Relax that happens in only lame underbudgeted movies,” Falco said.

“We are a lame underbudgeted movie!” Ben stammered.

“No we’re an underbudgeted Holiday special,” Agent said, “There’s a difference.”

“I don’t know,” Ben said, “Sounds like a fairly good plot device to me.”

“Yeah well you’re a kiwi,” Jesse said.

“Well look at the title!” Ben said.

“It probably just means you’ll survive this episode,” Will said, “You can help us put up Christmas lights.”

Ben sighed and grabbed some lights and began to put them up around the lounge. “On second thought,” Agent said, “Go clean up the morgue, it needs to be clean…Kevin go help him.”

Kevin grumbled and followed Ben downstairs to the morgue. Agent stared at the lights in an attempt to adjust them, but the ones he tried to pick up were compressed. Agent frowned and then picked them up manually. “I can’t help feeling like we did something extremely stupid,” Will said.

“I know, Agent shouldn’t be using his powers that much. The human brain uses 10% of its full capacity, I think Agent is using more than that…And that is dangerous,” Jesse said.

“That’s not what I meant,” Will said.

Stormhalt quivered, “Shards of glass…Are we actually going to do a monster fight today?”

“Yeah,” Falco said, “This is a great time to introduce your segment of the show.”

“Woohoo!” Stormhalt said.

Stormhalt eyes his surroundings wearily before clearing his throat and then beginning. “Welcome to SMURF!” Stormhalt said, “Small Monster Unlimited Ring Fighting!”

“Smurf??!” Jesse asked, “Couldn’t you have come up with a cooler name?”

“Well it gets the point across,” Agent pointed out.

“Exactly! And Smurfs are totally cool!” Stormhalt said.

“Whatever,” Jesse said, “I’m going to go eat Ice Cream to explain my absence from the rest of this sequence.”

“So, anyway, we took various small monsters and now we’re going to pit them against each other just like the big ones!” Stormhalt said, “Alright first and only battle of the day!”

Dalek vs. Xenomorph

The Dalek hovers into the arena, only its engine making a faint pulsating hum. The xenomorph makes nary a sound as it creeps on the ceiling; the Dalek senses its opponent but does not know where it is. Seeing in shades of only blue the Dalek switches infrared vision.

The Dalek scans the area, a sound, the Dalek looks up.

“Extermina---!” The Dalek is cut off as the Xenomorph’s inner-jaws sever the delicate eye piece.

The xenomorph vanishes as soon as it appears the Dalek sparking. “My vision is impaired I cannot see! My vision is impaired I cannot see!” The cyborg squawks.

The Dalek fires in every direction, never hitting the xenomorph, but showering the ring in sparks. The Dalek hovers trying to find its foe; to no avail. Finally as the xenomorph squirms it brushes the Dalek’s sucker arm, which quickly closes around its prey.

The xenomorph is trapped, its tail flaying wildly, the xenomorph struggles to escape but every time it draws close its Skaroian Adversary fires on it. Luckily the xenomorph avoids being struck. The xenomorph quickly breaks loose; by severing its own tail.

The xenomorph screeched and slashed the remains of its tail toward the Dalek. The Dalek screeched as acid was poured into its casing. It struggled to see and fire, but to no avail. As the metal began to melt the xenomorph came up, it opened its drooling jaws. The inner-jaws shot out, piercing the weakened hull. Green blood shot out and Dalek guts.

The Dalek’s frantic firing stopped and the Dalek fell over, in animate.

1…2…3!!! The Xenomorph wins!

“Smurf…” Jesse scoffed, eating ice cream.

Meanwhile in the morgue…

“So then the clock is counting down and we realize that the Face of Boe’s last words ‘You Are Not Alone’ are an acronym of Yana, and that Professor Yana real is a Time Lord. All this is occurring while the rocket takes off for Utopia and Yana’s real self comes back into him,” Kevin said.

“Why did we have to take the stairs?” Ben asked.

“Because we need the exercise and the elevators are down,” Kevin said, “And so I can tell you what happened in Utopia.”

“Well we’re at the morgue and look at all this Trioxin,” Ben said.

“Good thing this isn’t the type of show to have zombies; I mean this is a kids Holiday special,” Kevin said.

THUD! A strange noise came from seemingly no-where, in the morgue. “What was that?” Ben said.

“Probably some mice,” Kevin said.

“We don’t have mice!” Ben said.

“What do we even keep down here?!!” Kevin asked.

“Bodies,” Ben said.

“I know that!” Kevin said.

Suddenly another thump, much louder the past one; Ben gasped as the thumps continued as if they were a pulsating drum. “There’s a reasonable explanation for this,” Kevin said.

One of the slots in the side of the morgue, presumably holding a dead body, began to dent it self; from the inside. “You sound remarkably calm about this!” Kevin pointed out.

Luckily the thing was still in side its coffin and could not reach the one Kevin was speaking too. Another dent was formed…

In the top of TDWF Tower…

“I think we have too much of a sarcastic narrator,” Jesse said.

“You think we should hire another one?” Agent said.

“Guys,” Falco said, “Forget the narrator I have the distinct feeling something bad just happened.”

“Like what?” Agent said, “This is a Holiday special!”

Back in the morgue…

“Something’s coming out,” Ben whispered.

“Maybe it’s a licker,” Kevin said.

“We crossed over with the Living Dead series, not Resident Evil,” Ben said.

A hole now formed in the drawer, “We need Flogging Molly background music,” Kevin muttered.

“You and that band,” Ben said, shining his flashlight toward the drawer as a hand reached out.

Kevin gasped as the rest of the dead body slowly slid out. “Do something you’re a doctor!” Ben whispered.

“I’m a psychologist!” Kevin whispered back.

“I thought you were a psychiatrist!” Ben loudly whispered.

“Whatever close enough!” Kevin whispered, unaware of the creature pulling itself out of the drawer.

The creature pulled itself out of the drawer as Ben and Kevin stared wide-eyed, for it was…

Back in the top…

“You know what we need?” Agent asked.

“What?” Falco said.

“More dialogue for me?” Stormhalt asked.

“No,” Agent said, “Guest stars.”

“Who do you have in mind?” Jesse asked, putting his ice cream bowl down.

“Here are my suggestions,” Agent said, “Colin Cowherd.”

“To wild,” Falco said.

“Catherine Tate,” Agent said.

“I am bovvered by her,” Stormhalt said.

“Are you disrespectin’ me?” Agent asked, “Ron White.”

“Negative Role model,” Falco said, “Isn’t he dead?”

“No,” Agent said, “Colin Mochrie.”

“To bald,” Jesse said.

“Biggles and Algy,” Agent asked.

“They’re not real,” Stormhalt said.

“Really?” Agent said.

“Can we do another battle?” Stormhalt asked.

“Sure, it’s the Holidays let’s get some custom monsters out there!” Falco cheered.

Biodorah vs. TitanGhidorah

In a feud that has existed for as long as….Well for as long as Agent and Falco imagined Biodorah and TitanGhidorah the fight between the arch-rivals was soon underway. Biodorah screeched, his slimy build oozing all over the island.

TitanGhidorah, the gigantic cybertronic three headed draconian hippie, was utterly disgusted. Biodorah bellowed, his hyper-extended crocodile-like jaws reaching out from his lips. TitanGhidorah charged for his foe, but Biodorah instantly glided away spewing acid on his opponent.

TitanGhidorah screeched but fired a gravity beam, instantly crashing his airborne opponent. Biodorah turned around the hybrid of Biollante and Hedorah snarled; a tendril shot out from his center, it wrapped itself around TitanGhidorah’s left head. The cyborg struggled to bite it, but to no avail, until his central metal head tore it off.

The cyborg dragon retaliated by launching two dozen rockets from his chest, Biodorah tried to dodge. But he failed being smacked by the rockets, dizzied TitanGhidorah fired his flamethrower. Biodorah tried to fire his crimson ray but couldn’t because he couldn’t concentrate in the heat or the pain.

TitanGhidorah shot out his capture cables, pulling Biodorah in with his harpoons like a giant oily whale. Quickly Biodorah and TitanGhidorah were eye to eye, the slime/plant monster oozing and absorbing his opponent. Biodorah still couldn’t concentrate, TitanGhidorah tried to get a good aim at his opponent.

TitanGhidorah fired a plasma ray directly into the slime/planet monster’s cranium. Biodorah tried to screech but nothing came out as his crocodile mouth shot out, before falling. Biodorah’s weight slimed over onto TitanGhidorah, clogging his circuits.

The two behemoths fell over, both knocked out…

THE WINNER IS NOBODY THE FIRST TDWF MUTUAL ANNIHILATION!!!

“Dang, dang, dang!” Falco said.

“John Barrowman?” Agent said, still suggesting guest stars.

“No,” Jesse said.

“Humboldt Squid anyone?” Will asked.

“You made squid?!!” Stormhalt said, “Euuuckkk!”

“Hey don’t say that word, children are watching this show!” Jesse snapped.

“I said ‘Euck’,” Stormhalt said, “Not F**k.”

“He said it again!” Falco said.

“This is why we didn’t hire you from the start,” Agent said, “That and your horrible taste in music.”

“Say that word again and we’ll fire you,” Jesse said.

“Now who wants Humboldt Squid?” Will said, “I made it just for the Holiday occasion!”

“Sure,” Agent said.

“We need Ben and Kevin though,” Falco said.

“Stormhalt go get them,” Agent said.

“Yes sire,” Stormhalt said, heading downstairs.

Back at the morgue…

“How dare you cut us off in mid-sentence!” Kevin shouted.

The creature slowly walked forward, mumbling something that sounded like the word ‘Brains’. “Dude…Ben,” Kevin said, “It’s you.”

“Yeah, yeah…I noticed, this is what you get for making a recurring joke about me dying,” Ben said, he slowly pulled a gun from his pocket.

“This is a kid’s show! You’re not supposed to be carrying a gun!” Kevin exclaimed.

“Yeah well I’m going to have to kill myself,” Ben said, aiming the gun at his undead counterpart.

Slowly from the rest of the morgue the other eight dead Bens surfaced. “I say we should head for the elevator,” Kevin said.

“I concur,” Ben said, turning around to run.

The reached the elevator after running through a long hallway and bashing through two doors.

Kevin clicked the ‘up’ button, “Speak password,” a computer voice said.

“W-wa-what??!!” Kevin stammered, “A password!”

“Agent said he put it in for security measures!” Ben said.

“Well do you know the password?” Kevin asked.

“Yeah it’s um….um…” Ben said.

“C’mon they’re getting closer!” Kevin said.

“Um…” Ben said, rolling his eyes.

“Hurry!” Kevin said, as the zombies busted through the doors and walked towards their prey.

“Speak password,” the computer repeated.

“Architeuthis!” Ben proclaimed.

The elevator opened as the two commentators rushed over, running over Stormhalt. The zombies crept over, one reached his hands in, and only to have it severed in the elevator door spewing blood all over the three people inside.

“Augh blood augh!” Stormhalt said, trying to wipe the blood of him, as he began hyperventilating.

“Oh that’s right you’re a hemophobe!” Kevin said.

“Man, no discrimination! No…” Ben said.

“I said HEmophobe not Homophobe,” Kevin said.

Stormhalt was breathing deeply and almost passing out in his utter fear of blood. The hand still squirmed around inside the elevator, but it couldn’t reach anyone inside of it. Ben tried to calm Stormhalt, “C’mon buddy think of how safe we are inside this nice thick metal elevator!”

“Shhhh!” Kevin said, “You’ll trigger his claustrophobia!”

“Sorry! Forget all that!” Ben said.

Stormhalt still struggled to get his breath, but slowly calmed down as Kevin tried to tell him to breathe slowly.

Back at the top…

“Finally those guys are coming up,” Agent said.

“I’m hungry,” Jesse said.

“The Squid is getting cold,” Will said.

Finally the elevator came to a halt, the three commentators inside. Ben pulled Stormhalt up, while Kevin ran out carrying the severed zombie arm. “Ewwww….” Will said, setting the squid down on the table, “What the heck is that??!!”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” said Kevin.

“It’s a squid, your turn,” Will said.

“It’s a severed arm,” Kevin said.

“And why do you have a severed arm,” Will asked.

“I thought I told you Will was going to make dinner,” Agent said.

“Okay,” Jesse said, “Shut up! I don’t care if you are chairman! That joke pushed it too far! This is a kid’s show! No cannibalism jokes!”

“Oh come on they did it in Monty Python,” Agent said.

“No what they did in Monty Python was have a bunch of crazed audience goers barge on them who were upset with the nature,” Jesse said, “Additionally there were no children present.”

“How do you know?” Agent asked.

“Why do you have a severed hand?” Will interrupted.

“We have a situation,” Kevin said.

“And it’s all your fault!” Ben said, pointing upward.

“It’s not the narrator’s fault,” Kevin said, “The morgue is overrun with the undead.”

“Zombies?” Will said, “But nobody has died on this show.”

“Um….We did have one continuing recurring gag though…Remember?” Kevin said.

“I’VE DIED!” Ben said, “It’s always ‘Oh my god you killed Benny’ oh-ho-ho! ‘You Bastards’!”

“Really?” Agent asked.

“Really we didn’t even ask Trey or Matt for permission to use that line!” Ben stammered.

“So basically we’ve got a lot of Bens running around,” Jesse said.

“Wanting to eat people’s brains,” Will added, setting the Humboldt squid down.

“Great,” Jesse said.

“So what do we do?” Will said.

“Who can help us,” Agent asked.

“Burt Gummer,” Ben said.

“No…He’s not real,” Agent said.

“Terminator….” Stormhalt whispered, finally gaining his wits back.

“What?” Agent said.

“Terminator,” Stormhalt said.

“Terminator?” Agent repeated.

Stormhalt nodded, “I have one, shut down, in my quarters, and we can turn him on and have him fight the undead.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Agent said.

“And we’re going to trust a man who suffers from Anatodaephobia?” Kevin said.

“You sure this will work…Or even that there are undead?!” Agent asked.

“You got a better idea Machiavellian?” Falco asked.

“No,” Agent said.

“Then let’s go,” Falco said.

The commentators rushed to try and get the elevator to work; however, it was not working for some reason. Such they were forced to run downstairs. “Ben!” Agent shouted, “How are you buddy!”

“Agent,” Ben said, from behind him, “I’m right behind you.”

“Then how come all of the zombies look just like you??!” Agent asked.

“Recurring gag remember?” Ben said.

“Oh yeah,” Agent said.

The zombies lurched forward having made good time and were already advancing levels in pursuit of their meal. Agent knocked over the zombies with a telekinetic wave, as he and the others dashed past them. Down to flights of stairs and two the left, Stormhalt’s room. There it stood: The T-800, “Wouldn’t it be better if we called in Major Alan ‘Dutch’ Schaefer?” Ben suggested.

“I don’t think everyone will appreciate that reference,” Will said.

“NO!” Falco said, “I can’t believe Agent even considering hiring him over me.”

“Why don’t we hire Governor Schwarzenegger while we’re at it?” Jesse suggested.

“How about we call both?” Kevin said.

Stormhalt meanwhile was sealing the door as the zombies attempted to bash down the door. After he had done this he rushed over with Ben to turn on the Terminator. “Work faster!” Agent said.

“I’m working as fast as I can!” Ben said.

Stormhalt ignored them and continued to try and work. Agent shoved the commentator out of the way and pulled out his sonic screwdriver, again making a controversial move on the copyright terms. Agent turned it on and began working on the Terminator. Suddenly it sprung to life, “I’ll be back!” it said.

“Good! We’re running out of pages!” Kevin said.

“Now everyone out the back door!” Stormhalt said.

“What back door?” Agent said.

“The vent!” Will pointed out.

“Vents. Why does it always have to be vents?” Agent asked.

“Just get in,” Stormhalt said.

The Terminator was first then Ben, then Falco, Agent, Will, Jesse, Stormhalt, and Kevin. “Why am I last?” Kevin asked.

“This is almost as bad as the time we nearly hired Stewie Griffin over Stormhalt,” Agent said.

…

……

“What the deuce?” Ben asked.

“We have a clip of that?” Agent asked, “Oh guess not.”

The Terminator shot through the vent and walked out. “We need a distraction to get the undead Bens over here,” Kevin said.

“I wish you would stop calling them Bens,” Ben said.

“I have an idea,” Agent said.

Half a scene later…

Agent, Ben, and Falco strode around the corner to the zombies, while Kevin held a CD player. “Ready?” Agent asked.

The other three nodded, “1…2…3!!” Agent said.

Agent began to dance and sing:

“It’s peanut butter jelly time!!!
Peanut butter jelly time!!!
Peanut Butter jelly time!!”

He continued to sing, “now Where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?
Now There he go
There he go
There he go
There he go

Peanut buttery jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly!”

As Agent backed up the other three did there line: “Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat
Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!”

The zombies lurched forward following the dancing group; however the zombies were much quicker than anticipated. One grabbed Agent it bit into his hand, severing it from the middle of the palm. “Ow!” Agent said, “What did you do that for?!!”

He kicked the zombie away, as another lunged for Ben. This one bit into his shoulder, as another zombie bit into his neck. Ben screamed…

This scene has been cut due to violent nature….

“Oh my God they killed Benny!” Kevin said, trying not to vomit.

“The bastards…” Falco said.

“More like Benny killed Benny,” Agent pointed out.

“Agent you’re bleeding!” Jesse said.

“Well let’s get these zombies off our trail first,” Will said.

“Why do I have no dialogue??!” Stormhalt asked.

The commentators ran away as the zombie Bens followed over the freshly killed latest Ben rose up. “I’m really, really hungry,” Agent said.

“Well right now what you need is medical attention,” Jesse said, “You seem remarkably unfazed for having just lost a hand.”

They rounded the corner as the Terminator walked in, in slow motion.

The following scene has been cut for reasons of gore, violence, and foul language. While we’d regularly enjoy such things we’ve done this to appease the censors and retain the massive profits that come from the parents of our younger viewers. Thank you.

Please enjoy this entirely unrelated clip supplied below while the scene begins, progresses, and then concludes.

http://weebls-stuff.com/toons/badgers

Thank you weebls-stuff for letting us use their product…

“Cool the Terminator eliminated all of the zombies in less than six minutes!” Kevin said.

“You were timing??!” Jesse asked.

“Now to get on with Holiday dinner?” Will asked.

“Yes,” Agent said, “I think we can…We need to burn these bodies though…So they don’t resurrect anytime soon.”

After burning those bodies…In the med bay…

“Well as far as I can tell you’re perfectly alright aside from…blood loss,” Jesse said, “I’m surprised you didn’t loose more blood…And you have a cut on your chest which I think is a birthmark.”

“So why didn’t I react to the Trioxin like Ben did?” Agent asked.

“I can’t answer that right now,” Jesse said, “Only more tests will tell.”

“Can we go eat?” Agent asked.

“Yeah I think we can,” Jesse said.

In the Mess hall…

“Now let’s dig in,” Will said.

“I’m thirsty,” Agent said.

“You just had two gallons of Cow’s milk! What more do you want you creep?!!” Falco said.

“Yeah and you’ve eaten half the squid!” Kevin said.

“Euck,” Stormhalt said.

Suddenly Agent began to quiver and twitch, his eyes began to glow a deep red. Suddenly a fresh hand shot out of his hand stub. The hand was covered in blood and smelt just slightly of vegetable oil. Everyone dropped what they were doing and stared at their chairman as his eyes returned to their regular blue coloration.

Stormhalt ran off to the bathroom, attempting not to vomit. “So Agent you want to tell us how you did that,” Will said.

“Quiet honestly, I don’t know,” Agent said.

“Now I really want a sample of your blood,” Jesse said, pulling out a needle and syringe.

Stormhalt walked in, only to run back at the sight of the needle. “Hey don’t stick me with that,” Agent said.

Jesse slowly put it in Agent’s arm. “Ugh that creeps me out,” Agent said, watching the needle slide into his vein.

Jesse pulled it out then put the syringe, after deposing of the needle, into his lab coat. Stormhalt walked back in and sat down. “Now let’s finish eating,” Falco said.

And the screen cut to black as the credits roll by to ‘Auld Lang Syne’…

Happy Holidays Everyone from all of us at TDWF: Trans-dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation.

TDWF Episode 10

2008-02-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

TDWF X: The Eye of the Storm

“Strawberry fields…Nothing is real…And nothing to get hung about…” Falco sang to himself.

“Dude…” Will said, “We’re on air.”'

“Oh yeah!” Falco said.

“We’ve been in here for three hours and I’m going to flip if I don’t do something soon,” Kevin said.

“Shaw’s going to kill me…Shaw’s going to kill me,” Agent repeated to himself.

“Shut up SY!” Jesse snapped.

“I’m Agent!” Agent shouted.

“So what about the cliffhanger from last week?? ‘Marching feet’???” Kevin complained.

“That was the janitor…” Will said.

“Oh,” Kevin said, slumping back into his corner of the prison cell.

The steady march of feet again was heard, this time distinctly two sets. The two guards, armed with their fancy blades stood aside, they saluted the oncoming officers. The guard to the left of the cell unlocked it. The one on the right grabbed Falco and Kevin by their collars and the one on the left grabbed Will and Jesse in a similar manner. The one of the superior officers entered and grabbed Agent.

“This way your ‘majesty’,” the guard said.

The others snickered as the commentators were dragged to an interrogation facility. There they were bound to chairs with handcuffs. “So SY,” the guard snickered, “Your empire lay in ruins….What say you? Where are you hiding your masses?”

Agent grinned, “You know I wouldn’t go down without a fight!” Agent loogied at the guard’s face. “Ewwww,” Jesse mumbled.

The guard slapped Jesse, “You will only speak when spoken too!” he snapped.

Jesse grumbled and shook himself up, but remained perfectly silent.

The guard cleaned off his face, he quickly pulled his naginata out and placed it less than a centimeter from Agent’s face. Agent quivered, eyeing the blade, his eyes then returned to the guard. Agent chuckled, “Go on…Are you really going to kill me?”

The blade tapped Agent’s face, “Do not tempt me…You know well you are Shaw’s sworn enemy,” the guard said.

“So Shaw wants to kill me himself does he?” Agent snickered.

The guard nodded, clearly unnerved by Agent’s calmness. “Yes,” The guard regretfully admitted.

“Gggoooddd,” Agent said.

Back in TDWF Tower…

Ben stirred, “Ugh, what happened,” he muttered.

He looked around and noted he was all alone. “I’m not dead!” He proclaimed.

He smiled, “I have the waffle maker all to myself muw-ha-ha-ha-ha!” he said, darting downstairs to the mess hall.

Back on the ship…

“How’d you get us out of there?” Kevin asked, “I thought they were going to kill us.”

“That’s a plot hole for the audience to figure out,” Agent said, “Let’s just say I know Shaw a little better than you guys.”

“I wonder how Ben is doing?” Jesse wondered.

“I bet he’s trying to steal my waffle maker…” Falco said.

The commentators were thrown back into their cell, Will sighed. “We’re all going to die in here!”

“Well with any look Ben will keep the matches going while we’re gone,” Agent said.

Back in TDWF Tower…

“Hello, and welcome to the TDWF,” Ben said, to no one.

He walked up to the commentator’s booth, carrying a plate topped with three waffles, pineapple, and whipping cream. Ben struggled to carry a bottle of chocolate syrup in his mouth, only to trip down the stairs. This then caused the syrup to squirt open, leaking over the stairs, tarring Ben, and then his waffles smacked over him. To top it off whipped cream and cherries adorned the sliding breakfast of a commentator.

“I’m alive ha!” Ben shouted, trying to clean himself off.

Ben walked up to the commentator’s booth, he tried to work the microphone but it didn’t work, due to the whipping cream getting in its systems. “Okay we’ve got battles coming up featuring Legion, Iyrs, Gamera, and Bagan!” He proclaimed, “And since it’s the end of the season it’ll be even longer!”

Ben sat down spun his spinney chair and then announced, “First match!”

Legion vs. Iyrs

Iyrs landed loudly in the center of the island, making her presence instantly noted. Whereas Iyrs was more straight forward, it was also her downfall. Legion, however, was a more subtle attacker, and she was very, very good at it. Iyrs slowly scanned the area, searching for her opponent. A cracking sound…

Iyrs turned her head, nothing, but a small hill had developed a crack that had not been there before. Curious Iyrs shot her sonic tentacle beams down into them. Sure enough there was a huge explosion, and a howling sound from Legion. Iyrs cackled, alas it was but a distraction.

Legion instantly rose from the ground as Iyrs fell underground. Iyrs screeched as Legion roared in supremacy. Iyrs struggled to fire her sonic beams but it was to much as she fell and Legion crept over her body onto the surface. Legion then took to the skies and hovered over Iyrs.

As Iyrs flailed to get up Legion fired her laser beam. Iyrs screeched as the massive laser from Legion’s horn fired, as an earthquake transpired Iyrs screamed in pain. Slowly a white flag was shot up, as Iyrs was knocked out. Ending the battle…

“Ewwwww,” Ben said.

He turned around and then noted, “My word,” he said, “No one is here.”

He grabbed the TDWF phone and quickly dialed a phone number, it rang for a while. “Come on…Come on,” Ben whispered.

Finally someone picked up, the loud booming music of ‘Rogue Traders’ in the background. “What’s up Ben??!!” The voice said.

“Stormhalt! Buddy!” Ben said.

“What can I do for you?” The voice said.

“Well you need to stop drinking,” Ben muttered, “Everyone disappeared…I don’t know where they went.”

“Well maybe they were abducted by aliens,” Stormhalt replied. “Hey are we on air?”

“I never thought of that,” Ben said.

“Maybe you should give me a job as a commentator then,” Stormhalt said.

“In your dreams,” Ben replied.

“Pppllleeeaaasseee?” Stormhalt said.

“Look,” Ben said, “At least we are giving you a cameo.”

“Oh well,” Stormhalt said.

“Goodbye,” Ben said, “Thank you for your insight.”

“Huzzah!” Stormhalt shouted and hung up.

“What a weirdo,” Ben muttered.

Back on the ship….

Falco was humming ‘Jailhouse Rock’ to himself as he waited for the plot to progress.

“And now?” Jesse asked.

Agent pulled out a hat from nowhere, “Hey!” He said, “Jesse, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!”

“Again?” Jesse rolled his eyes.

Agent rolled up his sleeves, “Nothin’ up my sleeves,” he announced, “Presto!”

A tiger’s head appeared and roared, Agent stuffed it back down into the hat. “Hmmm,” he noted, “Musta got the wrong hat.”

“EVEN AGENT’S BORED!!!” Kevin proclaimed, “Some climax this is…”

“Anything else that we should know about Shaw…” Jesse asked.

“Yeah,” Falco said, “This guy has got to have a weakness!”

“He’s allergic to penguins…?” Agent said, “I’ve told you all I know.”

“Well see if you can pull a penguin out of that hat,” Jesse said, leaning back in the cell.

“Ugh!” Kevin said, “We’re five pages in and nothing has happened!”

The clomps of metal boots could be heard marching through the corridor. “What now?” Will asked.

Five guards now stood in front of the cell, they opened it. “You…ALL of you,” The front one announced, badges, scars, and symbols adorning his armor, “Follow me.”

The commentators got up, having nothing else to do. The guard with the fancy badges led the other four, the commentators in between. After making three turns a set of extremely beautiful doors, the guard pushed them open with both hands. Leading into a large ceremonial chamber, the ceiling curving inward into a dome shape.

To the left of the door was a prestigious throne, seemingly designed for a large man; however no one was sitting in it. “Lord Shaw will speak to you…NOW,” the lead guard said, as he and the other guards departed from the room.

The commentators searched the room, but there as no one, not even in the throne, spare a rectangular piece of cardboard lying there, anachronistically, roughly the size of an index card. Still there was a very ominous feeling or presence in the room, like something was watching the commentators. Alas there was nothing there…

Kevin some how managed to translate part of the scripture on the wall, it was something concerning Shaw and SY being mortal enemies. “He-llllllooooo,” Falco said, “Lord Shaw…Dark Lord Shaw are you here??”

No response… “Lord Shaw?” Kevin asked.

Still no response…The room was entirely empty… “Anyone???!” Jesse asked.

“I am here,” A voice sounded through the thoughts of the commentators.

The voice was sweet seducing, masculine, ethereal, and very evil feeling. “W-who said that?” Kevin asked.

“I did,” the voice said.

It was unclear were the telepath was coming from. “I’m here!” the voice said.

The commentators whirled around to the throne. Nothing…Spare that one sheet of cardboard.

The commentators struggled to find something, spare Agent who was grinning like a loon. “Lord Shaw…” Will said confused.

“Yes it’s me, Lord Shaw…Your Lord, Savior, Almighty, and Eternal Master,” the voice said, “Look down you foolish mortals.”

The piece of cardboard sat more erect, if it actually was a thing with features it would be grinning now. All of the commentators burst out laughing, “What’s so funny?” the piece of cardboard asked.

“You are a piece of cardboard!” Kevin chuckled, not noticing Jesse’s sudden shift to seriousness.

“I am Lord Shaw!” The piece of cardboard proclaimed.

“But you are a piece of cardboard!” Will snickered.

Shaw only became more infuriated at this, “I am Lord Shaw emperor of the Fifty First Quadrant of the Milky way Galaxy!” he proclaimed.

“You are still a piece of cardboard,” Falco said, uncontrollably laughing.

Suddenly a telepathic wave shot out, reeling the commentators backward. “I get it!” Jesse proclaimed, standing up, “Shaw was created by SY!”

“What??!!” Agent asked.

“Don’t you get it??!” Jesse said, “Mind over matter! SY was so angry he wanted a scapegoat he called them Shaw. He quivered with a sheet of cardboard; SY’s mental powers animated it. Given the quasi-miraculous nature Shaw took over. Doing exactly what SY said it would! Thus, SY had created his own arch-enemy!”

“What??!” Will said.

“What?!” Kevin asked.

“WHAT??!!!!” Shaw said, “Preposterous man-looks-like-an-armadillo!”

“I don’t look like an armadillo!” Jesse snapped.

“Yes you do,” Agent muttered.

“Now SY,” Shaw said, “I give you one final chance repent and confess your sins and join with me and the same goes for your friends.”

“You’re not supposed to use ‘and’ more than twice in a sentence, that makes it a run-on,” Kevin pointed out.

“Shut up Kevin,” Jesse said.

“Agent why don’t you surrender,” Will suggested.

“Nah we can take this guy,” Agent said.

“Yeah, for crying out loud,” Falco said, “He’s just a piece of cardboard.”

“I AM LORD SHAW AND I OFFER YOU ALLIANCE FOOLISH MORTALS!” Shaw said.

Falco rolled up the sleeves of his ‘I’m with stupid t-shirt’ and prepared to fight. “Oh boy,” Will said.

Shaw hovered above his throne, which was much too big for the tiny piece of cardboard. Shaw chuckled, “To easy,” he said.

“Bring it!” Falco said.

Shaw suddenly shot forward, easily faster than a cheetah, smashing into Falco’s ribcage. Falco went flying backward into the wall, Shaw still pushing on him. Shaw then went for Jesse, instantly kneecapping him and then shattering a rib. Jesse fell to the ground, coughing up some blood and struggling to get up.

Shaw turned his gaze to Agent, Kevin, and Will, “I hope Ben’s having a better time of things,” Agent muttered, as Shaw laughed manically in the background.

Back in TDWF Tower….

The song from the DoctorWho soundtrack ‘Clockwork TARDIS’ played in the background. “Next match!” Ben said, “Then we rescue everyone!”

Gamera vs. Bagan

Gamera landed in the arena as Bagan trudged in. The insane bull-horned monster screeched in utter fury at the giant turtle. Gamera immediately began by spitting out a fireball.

Bagan screeched but replied with a Stellar Ray, Gamera tried to dodge it, but his shoulder was still struck. Being mildly-hemophilic, Gamera began to bleed. Gamera spat another fireball before running forward. As Gamera was able to teach out Bagan, Bagan spun over and used his tail to sweep Gamera right off his feet.

Gamera flailed around on his back as Bagan tried to stomp him. Hit after hit landed on Gamera’s soft under-belly, Gamera’s rocket feet shot off, propelling the turtle forward, and Bagan’s ankles caught straight in the middle.

Bagan snarled and fired a stellar ray, spiraling Gamera out of the air, but also himself. Gamera briefly managed to regain flight, before crashing down onto Bagan, who had just landed on the ground. Bagan was smashed but Gamera’s immense weight.

Bagan crawled out from underneath his terrapine opponent.

“Terrapine?” Jesse interrupted.

Terrapine, in the manner of a turtle, tortoise, or a terrapin.

“It’s still not a word,” Jesse said.

Anyway…

“Hey don’t ignore me!” Jesse said.

Bagan climbed out from under his terrapine opponent and blasted him with a stellar ray. Gamera shrieked and bit into Bagan’s left foot, Bagan kicked upward, even though Gamera’s teeth were driven deeper into his foot, he got the better deal.

Gamera snarled but relinquished his grip. Bagan smashed his bleeding foot onto Gamera’s tusked head, and smashed it into the mud.

1…2…3! Bagan wins!

Ben danced around as the Mortal Kombat theme song played in the background, blissfully forgetful of what he had originally thought to do.

Back in the spaceship…

“I still say terrapine isn’t a word!” Jesse proclaimed, “Ow my chest!”

Shaw hovered himself toward Agent, “Now SY,” he said, “Amuse me you pathetic creature.”

Kevin tried to get up and get Shaw again but was repelled by a wave of psionic energy. Will whispered to Agent, “Hat trick Agent,” he said, “Hat trick!”

Agent nodded, he grabbed his top hat, he then pulled a cane out of it. “What’s he doing??!!” Jesse said.

Falco shook, “Oh no,” he said, “Oh no…No, no, no, no, no!”

Agent cleared his throat and then sang:

“Hello! ma baby
Hello! ma honey
Hello! ma ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, ma heart’s on fire!
If you refuse me
Honey, you’ll lose me
Then you’ll be left alone
Oh, baby, telephone
And tell me I’m your own!”

Complete with high steps Agent danced, Shaw was quiet perplexed by the odd act, but was less than amused. Agent then ran off, Shaw instantly pulling him back with a telekinetic wave. Falco came over with a vase to try and capture Shaw, but instantly Falco was knocked over by another telekinetic wave.

“How are we going to defeat this guy?” Kevin whispered to Jesse.

“I don’t know,” Jesse responded.

Shaw hovered over the two, he said aloud, “Simple, mortals, you don’t!”

“Ha!” Jesse snapped, “You left one of us behind! He’ll find a way to defeat you!”

“Then I will just have to end him too,” Shaw said, “Such a senseless waste of life.”

Shaw shoved Jesse with a telekinetic wave back up to the wall. “C’mon Ben! C’mon Ben,” Will said.

Back in TDWF tower…

“Baby, baby, baby!” Ben sang, “You are my Voodoo Child – my Voodoo child!

Don’t say maybe, maybe
It’s Supernatural – I’m coming undone!”

Suddenly Ben forgot to watch as he danced, he tripped and bonked his head on a chair.

“You are my Voodoo child…My vooDOO child….My voo…oo…do…child…Don’t say may…bee…may…bee,” he sang, as he was knocked unconscious for a second.

Ben shook his kiwi head and looked around, “Oh yeah! Time to rescue my friends!” he said, raising his index finger.

Suddenly and inexplicably the lightbulb above Ben’s head came back on, despite it’s normally being out. It then combusted, “I have an idea,” Ben said.

Ben ran down stairs, “Commence operation Deus Ex Machina!” he said.

Rushing down the stairs into his laboratory, in a brief fit of genius and physical stamina, uncommon to Ben, Ben made it down ten flights of stairs in less than 45 seconds.

Ben quickly dismantled the LOCUST and rerouted some of its systems, he then grabbed a telephone, some wire cutters, a wrench, the waffle iron, some copper wiring, and a brick of Swiss cheese. He connected the telephone up to the tracking circuit of the LOCUST; he wrenched it on and rerouted a few systems. He ate some of the cheese; he then placed some wires between the LOCUST and the Waffle Iron.

“Ha!” Ben said, “A kaiju-human telepathy communicator thing-i-magjig 2008!”

Suddenly a zapping sound was heard behind Ben as he attempted to fire up the device with the weird name. “Hey!” Ben said, “That is an entirely cool name.”

As the telepathic field expanded outward Ben heard the guards thinking to themselves about to kill him. He turned up the frequency, hopefully for his device and plot device would work in time. As the telepathic field continued to expand even further, the guards could now here Ben, and now were audibly talking, wondering what was going on.

Finally field made it outside the tower as the marching of metal clad feet was heard just outside the laboratory. As the guards hammered at the doors, attempting to break them down, the field finally met its intended recipients: Bagan, Legion, Gamera, and Iyrs.

“What the?” Legion said.

“Listen closely and listen well,” Ben said.

“Oh, hi Ben!” Legion said, “You’re the guy who dies all the time!”
“Hi Ben!” Gamera said.

“BOO!” Bagan said.

“Peace dude,” Iyrs said.

“Okay all my friends are on board a spaceship hovering above the planet,” Ben said.

“Why would we rescue them??!” Bagan sneered.

“Because Agent writes your paychecks,” Ben said, “And because they are the only ones that can save the Earth.”

Legion snickered, “Okay,” she said, “We’ll rescue them…But how will get them back to Earth?”

“Good question,” Gamera said.

“I could put them in my mouth,” Iyrs suggested.

“You don’t have a mouth,” Bagan said.

The telepathic began to expand outward, “Ben??” Will’s thoughts came through.

“Will!” Ben shouted, “I expanded a telepathic field so that…ARGH!”

Two bullets ripped through Ben’s chest as he fell to the ground, “You need to get out of there…the monsters, they’re going to…”

“Going to what?” Will thought.

“Destroy the ship, you have to beam down!” Ben shouted, “Go now…Save the Earth! Get better reviews, we’re under-budget…”

Ben then died there, as the two warriors grinned, their mission accomplished. “Oh my god,” Legion said, “They killed Benny.”

“The bastards,” Bagan said.

“Willie boy,” Iyrs said, “You better start a-running.”
“I just realized I can’t fly,” Bagan said.

“Then keep an eye on things down here,” Gamera said.

“Yeah, yeah,” Bagan said.

Back in the spaceship…

Agent suddenly tried to slap Shaw with his cane. But it do much good, finally Agent found a deep inner-calm and shot out a telekenetic wave, knocking over Shaw.

“Maybe we should run away,” said Will.

“Why,” Jesse said.

“Let’s just call it intuition, to complex to explain here,” Will said.

“Yeah we’re running out of pages,” Kevin said.

“You will not escape,” Shaw said.

Jesse struggled to get up, as Agent somehow managed to pick the lock on the door. “Let’s go!” He said, “Allons-y! Gehen wir! Vámonos!”

Kevin pulled Jesse up as Will and Falco rushed out. Agent was already far ahead, dodging bullets and powering up the transmat ray, with what appeared to be a sonic screwdriver, again committing copyright infringements off the BBC.

“Everyone get in now!” Agent said.

Shaw hovered around the corner, “Get back here!” he said, knocking Agent over, “I will kill you SY, here and now!”

A guard rushed over to Shaw, “My lord we just detected three unidentified flying objects closing in fast!”

“What?!!” Shaw said.

“Get in now!” Agent said, as Falco and Kevin hoped in the transmat, Jesse and Will staggering in.

As Legion’s horn pierced the side of ship the commentators fell into the transmat, as the air was being sucked out of the ship, Agent, apparently unfazed, hit the downward button. The five surviving commentators were beamed back down to TDWF tower.

Upon examining their dead friend’s corpse it suddenly came to realization what the experience had been. The two guards stared in awe at the commentators as a large atmospheric shockwave came down from the exploding ships. “Be gone!” Agent shouted, the two guards were shot backward through the wall and into the next room.

“Whoa,” Jesse said.

Agent then collapsed, “To much psionic exposure,” Jesse said.

“Can we finish the battles?” Will said.

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “Let’s, you can explain what happened later…I just want to finish the season.”

Legion vs. Bagan

Legion landed in the arena and Bagan immediately recognized her presence. Furious that he had been left behind Bagan instantly shot out with his Stellar Ray. Legion still hovering above the ground just slightly was too distracted to open her forcefield.

Legion shrieked as the beam hit her, Legion crashed to the ground. Bagan charged over; appearing like a bipedal bull as he aimed his horns directly at Legion. Bagan snarled smashing his horns into Legion. But they didn’t penetrate; Legion’s exoskeleton was tough, so tough Legion didn’t even bother opening her shield. Legion screeched and reared up on her back legs.

Bagan wearily backed up, slightly worried. Legion’s massive front bulk came crashing back down. Bagan began to warm up his stellar ray, it fired, and Legion fired her laser ray. The two beams collided; the two discharges of energy glittered back and forth hand in hand. Neither one clearly winning…

Finally Bagan’s energy started to wither; and Legion’s broke through. Bagan was sent reeling backward, on to his back. Bagan screeched, but his wounds healed incredibly rapidly. Bagan then fired his super-nova ray, much hotter, and much more powerful than his Stellar Ray, Legion screeched as the blazing ball of light streamed forward to fast for her to react.

Legion struggled to regain her vision, but she was blinded. Her eyes dulled to a deep violet, though she could not see through them, she still stared forward at Bagan. Bagan marched forward, he grabbed on to Legion’s nose horn; Legion swayed trying to shake him off. No avail, she then tried to open, to fire her laser, or her shield; anything to get Bagan off.

Though Bagan’s arm was being severely cut by the sharp horn, he held on, his regenerative powers healing him. Finally a massive yank to the left, as Legion went to the right, the horn broke off.

Bagan chuckled, as Legion’s main weapon was finally off her. Legion tried to fly off, but Bagan caught her and blasted her back to Earth with a Stellar Ray. Legion blindly smashed at the Earth, trying to smash her draconian opponent.

Bagan continued to step just out from under her feet, taunting the titanic fourteenapede.

“Fourteenapede??!” Jesse said, “That’s less of a word than Terrapine!”

“Whoa déjà vu,” Kevin said.

Anyway, Legion had one final trick up her sleeve; a trick Shaw had pulled on the commentators. Legion’s nose-stub glistened as telekinetic waves shot out in every direction, eventually one did catch Bagan. Bagan was lifted into the air as Legion roared, the tendrils of psionic energy crushing Bagan’s windpipe. Finally Legion dropped Bagan.

The daikaiju marched forward; she reared up and began to crush Bagan, crushing him again and again under her tread. Bagan began to regurgitate blood…1…2… And Bagan surrenders, his blood croaking over the white flag…

“Are you sure we can show that one to the kiddies?” Will asked.

“How’s Agent?” Falco said, having a sip of coffee.

“He’s fine,” Jesse said, “Somehow he managed to fire of a psionic wave. I didn’t even think it was mentally possible for a human. But some how he did and it wore him out. And he’s got a bruise somehow on his chest, dunno if that’s relevant but it wasn’t there before.”

“So what now,” Kevin asked.

“Nothing to do but wrap up the season and advertise the next one,” Jesse said.

The phone rang, Falco answered; “Wow, 14 pages,” Kevin said, “We exceeded the last season finale by quite a way.”

“Indeed,” Will said, putting some sugar in his coffee, “Good fight everyone.”

Falco hung up, “That was the Pentagon,” he said, “They were so relieved at our defeat of Shaw they are going to entrust us with some of their more dangerous things.”
“Like?” Jesse asked, “I don’t want this to become Apocalypse Island.”

“Relax,” Falco said, “Just a few barrels of 2-4-5 Trioxin.”

“That’s a herbicide isn’t it,” Kevin asked.

“Yeah,” Falco said, “Nothing to big. Especially by contrast to the kaiju.”

Jesse sighed, “What now,” Falco said, turning to his tired comrade.

“Shaw started out as an idea; an idea so strong and endowed it became it’s own,” Jesse said, “We got rid of SY his creator; but Shaw existed in the minds of all those within his territory. Existing through them… You can destroy an idea once it’s out there… I think this is just the start of our encounters with Shaw.”

“Oh boy,” Falco said.

“Can we get the show over with,” Will said, “I want to go to bed!”

“Yeah,” Falco said, “We’ve hit fifteen pages anyway, and we have our foreshadowing for a future story arc.

“Peace out!” Kevin said.

“Bye,” Jesse said, half-smiling and waving.

The End
TDWF will return during the Holiday Season with
Night of the Living Bens

TDWF Episode 9

2008-02-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

TDWF IX: Daemons of the Dreamscape

“Daemons of the Dreamscape,” Agent said, “Nice name.”

“How could you have ever doubted me?” Jesse asked.

“So what’s the word on those ships Kevin?” Will asked.

“They’ll be here…” Kevin said, wide-eyed and worried, “Soon…”

Ben trembled as he bit on his nails, his eyes darting every which way. “So…Benny what do you remember of this über-bad dude?” Kevin asked, to Ben.

Ben looked at Kevin and sputtered, “Heh…heh…Hi...hi…hi-hi-his name is Lord Shaw,” Ben said.

Agent’s eyes widened before he quietly retained a normal look…

“About this Shaw guy?” Kevin asked.

Ben shuttered and tried to speak but he couldn’t. “What did you see Young Man?” Kevin said, holding a cigarette lighter towards Ben’s face.

“Cut that out!” Jesse snapped.

“Well it worked in that one movie!” Kevin said.

Ben tried to speak but nothing came out, he blinked, “He wanted…he wanted…” Ben tried to speak the last bit, but nothing came out.

“He wanted what,” Will asked.

Agent attempted to suppress a worried look on his face, luckily for him no one was paying attention to him. “He wanted,” Ben swallowed, “D-d…Da-da-da…”

“Da?” Kevin asked.

“Dar…Dar…” Ben tried to speak but it was very hard to, due to the trauma he experienced.

Ben lost his ability to speak all together. “Alright,” Kevin said.

Kevin took out what looked like a coin attached to a string. “It’s called a pendulum!” Jesse said.

“Ben,” Kevin said, “I need you to look at the end of the pendulum.”

Ben looked at the coin part, “Now,” Kevin said, his voice getting quiet, “Follow the coin,” Ben did as he was told, “Now you are getting sleepy…Very sleepy…You are weightless and have no mass…You will only respond to the sound of my voice,” Ben slowly fell asleep, “When I snap my fingers you will go to sleep and tell me everything you know.”

Kevin snapped his fingers as Ben fell onto his shoulder. Jesse helped Kevin set Ben down on to a nearby cot. “Now Ben,” Kevin said, “What all did you see?”

Ben spoke, though his eyes were closed and his features, spare his mouth, were completely un-shifting. “His name is Lord Shaw,” Ben said, “And he wants…”

Ben paused breathed, “Dark…Lord…S…Y!” Ben said, suddenly snapping back into consciousness as he stared at Agent.

Everyone in the room stared at Agent, “What did I do?!!” Agent shouted.

“Nothing,” Falco said, “Dark Lord SY!”

“That was Dark Lord SY!” Agent proclaimed, “Not me!”

“Same difference,” Falco said.

“Hey look over there it’s Godzilla!” Agent shouted.

Being who they were the commentators’ glance quickly shifted towards the window. Agent bolted for the downstairs, but Falco tackled him, as the two of them fell downstairs. Falco shoved Agent back up the stairs, making Agent fall flat on his face. Falco got up and picked up Agent and threw him into his chair. “What do you know about ‘Lord Shaw’,” Falco asked.

“Okay…Okay!” Kevin stammered, “No more violence children are watching.”
He gestured at Ben, “Hey!” Ben shouted.

“Lord Shaw…” Agent said, “I’ll never tell you!”

“And we’re cutting the interrogation scene,” Kevin announced.

“Rats…” Falco said, “What do you know about Lord Shaw??!”
“Well he’s a genius,” Agent said, “He has really scary eyes…And he smells like cardboard…”

“Anything else??” Falco said, “By the way Benny put it, you two go back a while.”

“Okay,” Agent said, “Shaw vowed a vendetta against SY after he declared Shaw his sworn enemy.”

“His battle tactics?” Falco asked.

“Relentless…Especially sense he knows I’m here,” Agent said, “But he is a showman…So we may be able to tap into his theatrical aspects.”

“Anything else,” Will asked.

“Um…” Agent said, “Not really… He’s allergic to penguins…”

“Hmmm,” Will said, “We need to get on with the first battle.”

Jesse sighed; he placed a CD into the CD player and hit the battle button.

Final Godzilla vs. Leo

FG marched into the arena, roaring triumphantly he awaits the arrival of his opponent. Leo, the prismatic and charismatic moth, descends from the heavens. FG warily stares down his foe, Leo hovers in front of his saurian opponent. Finally Leo makes his move firing his eye-lasers at FG.

FG snarled and bolted for Leo. Instantly the giant moth was knocked down, but Leo would not be deterred. Instantly Leo took off again, he flew high over FG, powder falling from his wings. FG struggled as the powder stung and blinded him.

“Arrrghhh!” Kevin said, “Arrrrghhh! No more Enya! No more Enya!”

“Now you know how we feel when you play Flogging Molly,” Jesse said.

“I’ll take Flogging Molly over this,” Will said.

“Oh well,” Jesse said.

FG fell to the ground, he snarled and squirmed, Leo then unleashed his laser beams once more. FG opened his eyes but closed them again, tightly, as the giant moth soared over him. FG suddenly snapped up, he grabbed onto Leo’s right wing. Leo screeched as he tried to fly forward, but he went nowhere. He struggled, he made some progress, but he only dragged FG with.

FG fired off his heat ray, it glowed its typical dark teal tint, and Leo was blasted away. The Moth was stunned and simply was knocked out. FG wins!!

“Well so much for the long battle,” Falco said.

The computer screen, normally filled with the pulsating rhythms of radar, now shuttered with senseless static as an abnormal image came on. “So Earthlings,” A voice said.

The commentators turned around to see a human, well one who was mechanically augmented, but still a person. “Can we help you??” Will asked.

“Jesse,” Kevin whispered, “Turn off the Enya.”

Jesse rolled his eyes, but did as he was told. “Bring us Dark Lord SY,” The man said, his mechanical eye studying the commentators while the other continued to look straight.

“You can hav-,” Jesse spoke, but was cut off by Falco.

“And what do we get in return,” Falco asked.

“We leave your planet in peace,” The man said, his voice was very monotone, but when he spoke it was as if the emphasis was on the wrong places.

“Did he say pieces or peace?” Kevin whispered.

“Shaw doesn’t blackmail,” Agent whispered.

“You could’ve said that earlier,” Falco whispered, “Lord Shaw we do not accept your proposal.”

“Lord Shaw, ha!” The man said, “I am not Lord Shaw…I am not even worthy to be in the same room of my God.”

“So can we speak to the real Lord Shaw?” Falco asked.

“No,” The man said, “None of you…Not one of you are worthy…”

“Bah,” Agent said, “I’ve spoke to him before…I shall speak to him again.”
“Perhaps when judgment is passed upon you by the great Shaw, but not in this life SY,” The man said.

“So we’re going to war? Again??!” Jesse asked.

“War then,” The man said, “You bring damnation upon yourselves.”

The transmission ended, “Can we even say ‘Damnation’ on cable television,” Kevin asked.

“So anything else you can tell us about Lord Shaw??” Falco said, now getting a bit paranoid as wear descended upon the TDWF.

“No…” Agent said.

“You sure??” Falco asked, staring down Agent.

“Yes,” Agent said.

Half a deleted interrogation scene later…

“Nnnnooo!!!” Agent shouted, “I don’t know anything else!!”
Suddenly the whole of TDWF tower shook and rattled. “Earthquake!” Will shouted, “Thank goodness I installed Earthquake protection thing-i-majigs!”

Slowly as Agent’s face returned to normal, the tower stopped shaking. Agent breathed, “Let’s just get on with the next match,” he breathed.

Megagurius vs. Legion

Megagurius buzzed into the arena, her delicate body hovering above the ground, her wings producing a distinctive buzzing noise. Megagurius scanned the area for her opponent. Her fellow insectiod was nowhere to be found. This greatly worried the giant dragonfly.

Suddenly, spontaneously, a giant beak-ish nose type thing that was Legion’s mouth came up. Megagurius was instantly impaled. Legion thrust her weight down onto Megagurius, weighing more than five times the dragonfly’s weight; Megagurius knew she was done for.

1…2…3… Legion wins!!!

“Ow....” Kevin said.

Ben sat quietly gazing at the scanner, detecting the ominous advance of the fleet of ships. Will sighed, “Looks like we’re in for another wacky season finale.”

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “This time with a real villain.”

“Oh I don’t qualify??” Agent asked.

“Not really…” Kevin said.

“Rats,” Agent said.

Falco pulled out some weights, “What on Earth are you doing?!!” Jesse said.

Falco lifted the weights, “Well we have a fight coming on to our hands…I, for one, would like to be ready,” he said.

“Like that’ll help you!” Agent chuckled.

“Then what do you suggest?” Falco asked.

“Run…” Agent said, grimly.

“Boy, someone is a pessimist,” Kevin said.

“I’m just ticked that Shaw tracked me all the way to this Sol System,” Agent said, “I just want to end what SY started.”

“Well that may take a few seasons,” Ben said.

Agent leaned back and closed his eyes, “I know…I know…” Agent said, “Just Shaw is one foe you’d never want to meet….Ever…”
“Turn off the freaking Cyberman theme song!” Jesse snapped.

“The ships are breaking atmosphere,” Kevin said.

“Then let’s finish off the last battle,” Will said.

Legion vs. Final Godzilla

Legion touched down into the arena, her wings slowly fluttering to a halt. The savage saurian stalker sprinted from his secret stone seclusion straight for the stinging insectine opponent. Legion screeched, immediately she fired laser ray. FG was blasted backward, unable to cope with the immense force. FG snarled and tried to get up, Legion marched for him.

FG fired his heat ray, but Legion’s forcefield deflected the blow. But FG kept the steady stream of blue flame towards the forcefield. Slowly, but surely, it broke, Legion shrieked. FG sprinted for his foe; Legion smashed her nose/horn into FG’s chest. FG shrieked and struggled to move. Legion moved forward, jabbing the nose/horn further into FG.

FG hollered in pain as the horn came out through his spikes. FG tried to fire his heat ray, but it didn’t work. He hissed and foamed at the mouth. Legion screeched as her horn broke into thirds and she triumphantly fired her laser. FG screeched as the energy rippled through his body. Finally the mutant dinosaur was knocked out.

Legion wins!!!

As Legion carried her prize off the arena, still attached to her horn the ships slowly began to enter into TDWF airspace. They were a red-bronze in coloration and bore a sinister emblem consisting of a square encased in a circle. Obsidian indecipherable glyphs lay within the emblem.

The ships were triangular in shape with guns posted at every corner, one large canon atop, and rockets in the middle. The roof was just slanted, giving the appearance of a sphere from above.

“Here we go again,” Kevin said.

“Here I go again,” Agent muttered.

Ben passed out, as a blue light shimmered around the commentators. Seconds later they dissipated and were shortly thereafter rematerialized inside a prison cell; Ben, because he had passed out, was thereby not teleported and was left behind. Two men armed with ceremonial naginatas stood outside.

“Uh-oh…” Kevin said.

“What?” Will said.

“Well we got the last battle out of the way right?” Kevin asked.

“Yeah why?” Will asked.

“Because that means we’re in for another cliffhanger,” Kevin said.

“That’s not good,” Will said, as the sound of marching feet was heard, steadily advancing towards to the Commentators’ prison cell…

To Be Continued...

TDWF Episode 8

2008-02-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

TDWF VIII: Antebellum

“Agent why do you use such weird names,” Ben asked.

“Because if you spoke Latin, you’d notice it was foreshadowing,” Agent said.

“Latin??! I thought it was Chinese!” Ben said.

“Anyway,” Jesse said.

“And now for something completely different,” Falco said.

“It’s!” Kevin said.

“TDWF Episode 8!” Will said, “An…An…How do you pronounce that?”

“I don’t know I got it off of wikipedia,” Agent said.

“Ugh,” Will said.

“Oh by the way,” Jesse said, “I have a surprise for you lot…Follow me.”
Jesse hopped happily down the stairs; the other commentators were confused given Jesse’s normal grumpy attitude. Down five flights of stairs; past the barracks, past the food court, and some storage rooms. Finally past the Medical Center, to a Laboratory.

Jesse punched in the code, which he typed in so rapidly not one number was recognized. Then when the hand was removed it could be noted that they were in fact letters. The door slid open, the two metallic doors each three inches thick, went into the side slots.

Inside was a small ship, “I give you the Locust 2000!” Jesse proclaimed, as he flashed a spotlight down upon it.

“Locust?” Agent asked, “Couldn’t you think up a better name?”
“LOCUST: Laser Opted Cross-Universal/Stellar Transverser!” Jesse said.

“Is Transverser even a word?” Kevin asked.

“So what does it do?” Agent asked.

“It fires a laser beam to track the Psionic Emissions that have been plaguing us,” Jesse said, “It then locks on to the signal and tracks it Across the Universe.”
“Really?” Ben said, tapping the shiny platinum surface.

“Don’t touch it,” Jesse said, slapping Ben’s hand.

Ben scowled, “So this thing takes us to all those signals?” Will asked.

“Yes it does,” Jesse said.

Ben crept into the cockpit and fired up the controls, “Ben…” Kevin said, pointing behind Jesse.

Jesse spun around, “Ben no!” He shouted, trying to stop the machine, but it was too late.

The whole of TDWF Tower began to shake as the LOCUST shot forward into a crude pinkish portal. In the ten seconds it took to transpire Ben was gone, and there was nothing anyone could do. “Oh my god you killed Benny!” Agent shouted, shaking a fist at Jesse.

“You bastard!” Kevin said.

“I had nothing to do with it!” Jesse said, “That blooming Kiwi did it on his own!”

“Yeah, we know,” Agent said, “We just had to say that.”

Jesse nodded and shook his head, “Let’s get going,” he said, gesturing to go back upstairs.

A few minutes later after walking up the flights of stairs, the group settled down into the commentator’s booth, that they noted they needed to clean. “Today, October Ninth, we honor John Lennon and indeed all of the Beatles, but Lennon because his Birthday fits into the production schedule,” Agent said.

“Hear-hear,” Falco said.

“So we will be playing Beatles music in the background and not Flogging Molly,” Will said.

“I bet you did that just to justify you’re not my playing music,” Kevin said.

“Now why would we do that?” Agent asked, grinning.

“But yes, we respect your peaceful ways Beatles,” Falco said, “And the hope that your songs, predominantly, give us.”

“Boy is that ironic coming from your mouth,” Agent said.

“Look I’m just stating a fact,” Falco said.

Agent shrugged, Will opened a soda, and Kevin twirled his fingers, “Okay,” he said, “That’s two pages, we should be able to start the first battle.”

The other commentators nodded and the first battle was soon underway.

Gamera vs. The Black Scorpion

Gamera quietly landed in the arena, while his arachnid opponent scuttled in front of him. Gamera roared, but the Scorpion simply chirped, drool flowing from its mouth.

“I am the Walrus,” Agent sang, “Coocookachu!”

“Shut up Agent!” Jesse snapped.

“Fine,” Agent said.

Gamera trudged forward, kicking up dirt and trees with every step. Gamera roared, although with his rather high voice it came out more like a war-scream. The Scorpion wasn’t particularly fast, but his reactions were lightening. Gamera slammed his fists down on to The Scorpion’s head, but the pinchers immediately locked on to Gamera. Gamera looked down in confusion, only to see the stinger come flying up towards his neck.

Gamera screeched as his throat was cut, green blood spilled everywhere. Gamera tried to screeched put it hurt too much. The Scorpion pulled his stinger out, and released Gamera, who fell over. The Scorpion scuffled atop Gamera; the giant turtle struggled to escape.

But the Scorpion held the turtle down, not unlike a turtle on his back Gamera struggled to escape, but the pain was too great. The Scorpion prepared to strike again, but Gamera’s rocket feet shot off. Instantly he and the Scorpion were going skyward.

The Scorpion screeched, Gamera fired a mana ray, and the Scorpion fell off. Gamera’s rockets stopped sense too much energy had already been lost. As the Scorpion fell to the ground, it managed to land on all six legs.

It positioned its stinger directly beneath Gamera. But it was futile, as while Gamera was indeed impaled again he crushed the entire Scorpion.

1…2…3!!! Gamera wins!!!

“Did you know that in some countries they eat scorpions?” Agent asked.

“Yeah,” Falco said, “Don’t you dare trick me into eating one again.”
“Relax,” Agent said, “I wasn’t going to trick you.”
“Or me for that matter,” Jesse said.

“Or me,” Kevin said.

“What they said,” Will said.

“You people are no fun,” Agent said, “Scorpions aren’t half-bad! So long as you remove the stinger and properly cook the arachnid.”

“But it’s weird and a cultural taboo not to eat them,” Jesse said.

“Taboos shmaboos,” Agent said.

“Oh ‘Here Comes the Sun’!” Falco said, “I love this song.”

“Anyway, we should stop disturbing our younger viewers,” Jesse said.

“Yeah,” Will said, “Scorpions may be healthy but if we’re going to talk about them we should at least tell them how to properly kill and cook them. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Falco said, he then nudged Agent.

“What??!” Agent said, “Oh yeah, agreed. Well first…”
Jesse put his hand over Agent’s mouth, “Discussion’s over,” Jesse said, “We need to figure out a way to get Ben back.”

“Aren’t we all just Mean Mr. Mustards today?” Agent muttered.

“Right,” Kevin said, “But I think we need to get on with the next fight, otherwise we’ll run out of pages.”

“Agreed,” Agent said.

The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh vs. DeathGhidorah

TLLBBA snarled as it entered the arena, its 23 eyes studying the arena for DeathGhidorah. TLLBBA’s air blew softly in the wind, as it studied its surroundings. It questioned weather it was the only animated monster in the Tournament.

Suddenly a shadow fell onto The Beast, it looked up, and DeathGhidorah was spewing fire all over as she flew. TLLBBA cowered in fear and ran away, it could easily outrun DeathGhidorah.

“Man,” Kevin abruptly interrupted, “Everyone’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey.”
“Good for you,” Jesse said, he then added, “And your monkey.”
DeathGhidorah landed and snarled at TLLBBA, all three heads bobbling. TLLBBA was slightly confused by the creature’s bizarre appearance, equally DeathGhidorah was confused by TLLBBA’s appearance. But TLLBBA had seen odd things like an Octopus’s Garden, Something, Glass Onion, and Honey pie. But DeathGhidorah was nothing like that and TLLBBA charged with bullhorns facing directly towards DeathGhidorah’s necks.

Before DeathGhidorah knew what had transpired she was pinned up against the mountain. DeathGhidorah struggled to escape, but to no avail, but TLLBBA couldn’t do all that much. DeathGhidorah tried to kick with her front legs, but it still didn’t work.

DeathGhidorah’s tail finally slapped TLLBBA away, unfortunately DeathGhidorah went with, but she escaped. DeathGhidorah immediately pinned her foe down, pressing all her mighty weight onto the abomination of a kaiju.

TLLBBA knew he was not much of a fighter, and simply surrendered….

DeathGhidorah wins!!!

“Yeah!” Falco said, “Agent you owe me five bucks!”
“Right now, I’d like to be under the sea,” Agent said, “In an Octopus’ Garden in the shade.”

“This a good song alright,” Falco said.

“Beatlemaniacs,” Jesse muttered.

Suddenly a loud rumbling sound was heard as the whole of TDWF Tower shook violently, causing Will to spill his coffee and Kevin to awake from his nap. “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da! What the blazes is going on?!!” Will said, “Hey that’s my new exclamation!”

“It’s coming from the tech room!” Jesse said, rushing down stairs the other four commentators with him.

As they came downstairs the heat began to rapidly swell, yet internally it felt as if it were freezing. An odd oozing, smooth, and rough paradoxical feel to the whole thing. As the commentators held their hands on the railing a surge of static electricity came through, making Kevin’s hair stand on end. But it didn’t faze them and they continued to come down, despite the thunderous rumbling, and the sheets of paper that were being blown about.

Down in the laboratory there was nothing really happening, but the vibrations were so intense that the tiles had nearly begun to melt. Kevin, Falco, Jesse and Will began to notice that the rubber bottoms of their shoes were beginning to melt; Agent looked down to realize he was not in fact wearing shoes, his socks caught a blaze. “Ow!” Agent shouted, “Hot-hot-hot!”

Agent ripped off his socks and threw them on the ground. Then he heard it, and indeed all the commentators did, it was like a train advancing but at nearly 300 times the speed. As the laboratory nearly began to melt the LOCUST suddenly zoomed back into existence exiting from and unseen portal.

The commentators dove out of the way as the LOCUST smoked and steamed with energy, beads of metal slowly started to fall off, but hardened. Agent was the first to get back up, “Help!” He shouted, “I need somebody, Help! Not just anybody!”

Jesse rushed over, “I’m a Doctor! I’m a Doctor!” he shouted, shoving Agent aside.

Jesse smashed a hammer on the top of the LOCUST, it opened, inside was Ben very scared, bruised, and burnt. “Ben are you alright,” Jesse said, getting out his stethoscope, “I need to hold your hand buddy, pulse check.”

“Incidentally it’s ‘I want to hold your hand’,” Falco pointed out.
Ben nodded weakly and tried to lift his hand but he couldn’t. His pupils were different sizes and completely bloodshot. Will and Agent lifted Ben up and carried him, Ben threw up, and his eyes slowly started to close, though they couldn’t hold still and were jittering around erratically and in opposite directions. Ben looked up and grinned, “Don’t you see her?” he said, weakly.

“Who?” Agent asked, looking up.

“Lucy…” Ben said, “Lucy in the sky with diamonds.”

Ben passed out, while Agent and Will struggled to carry him up the stairs to the sickbay. Finally they made it and placed him gently on a bed. Jesse fitted him with life-support systems, “Ugh,” Will said, “Needle-phob, why does it have to be me?!!”

“Well Doctor,” Agent asked, “Is he going to be alright.”

“It’s hard to say,” Jesse said, “And don’t call me Doctor.”

“Let’s just finish off the last match and then see what we can extract from him,” Kevin said.

Will and Falco nodded, while Jesse and Agent stayed to look after Ben.

Gamera vs. DeathGhidorah

Gamera soared into the arena, DeathGhidorah had already positioned herself directly in front. The center head of DeathGhidorah stared down the one head of Gamera. Finally Gamera blinked and he fired three fireballs, DeathGhidorah was stunned by not defeated.

DeathGhidorah charged forward and took off, smacking front legs first into Gamera’s head. Gamera screeched as he fell over, but he knew this trick and took off instantly after DeathGhidorah.

DeathGhidorah roared as Gamera trailed her every move throughout the heavens. Gamera shot another fireball, but DeathGhidorah dodged it with ease. As the two soared over the ocean another fireball was shot, but DeathGhidorah dodged it.

DeathGhidorah turned her middle head completely around and shot a flame ray, Gamera dodged it. Finally Gamera shot four fireballs each at different directions, DeathGhidorah went into a barrel roll. But Gamera sped up and blinded her and crashed her into the water.

And there the TDWF satellites lost the battle for about five minutes… Before finally Gamera swam out, carrying a knocked out DeathGhidorah in his hands.

Gamera wins!!

“We need to get some underwater cameras,” Kevin said.

“Yeah,” Will said.

“Remember though,” Falco said, “We’re on a tight enough budget as it is.”

“So now that the show’s over how many Beatles Songs have we managed to reference Mr. Sgt. Pepper,” Kevin asked.

“Lemme see,” Falco said, “1..2…5…12!”
“Does the Birthday line really count?” Kevin said, “I remember reading that in the script and wondering.”
“Well it counts to me!!” Falco said.

“You know what?” Will said.

“What?” Kevin asked.

“I think I want to be a Paperback writer,” Will said, “Ever sense I grew up on Penny Lane I’ve wanted to be one.”
“14!” Falco shouted.

“Yes!” Will said.

“Man if the plot keeps up being this weird it’s going to go all Helter Skelter,” Kevin noted.

“15!” Falco shouted.

Back in the sickbay…

Ben’s heart stopped beating suddenly. Agent jumped, “Don’t die Ben!” he shouted, crying over the death of one of his friends.

Ben’s body stiffened as he succumbed to the effected of death. Agent cried as he pounded his fists onto Jesse. “You killed Benny, you bastard!” Agent said.

“Let it be,” Jesse said.

In the commentator’s booth…

“16!” Falco shouted.

Back in the sickbay….

“I know you didn’t do it,” Agent said, “I just can’t believe he died…”

“Dude he does it every episode and you haven’t cared then,” Jesse pointed out.

“Shut up,” Agent said.

Suddenly Ben’s heart beat back into existence, his skin regenerated and his wounds corroded away. Ben breathed in deeply and then exhaled but he was still in pain and his brain hurt. He fell back down onto the bed, after trying to get up. “He’s coming,” Ben whispered.

Agent and Jesse rushed to his side, “What?” Agent asked.

“The Caebannog system,” Ben whispered, “That’s where he came from…And now he’s coming here…for….for…S…s…”

“Who’s coming?” Jesse asked.

Ben slipped back into unconsciousness, Agent and Jesse stared at each other for a second. Suddenly Kevin’s voice came through on the intercom. “Guys,” he said, “You may want to come up here.”

“Why?” Jesse asked.

“Because,” Kevin said, “Our Satellite just detected a fleet of Five Dozen ships headed towards Earth, more specifically this Island…Better get that Yellow Submarine ready!”
“17!” Falco shouted.

Agent and Jesse exchanged worried look, and rapidly ran up to the Commentators’ booth.

To be continued…

TDWF Episode 7

2008-02-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

TDWF Episode VII: Pandora’s Box

“Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another smashing addition of the TDWF!” Will said.

“Hello ladies and gentlemen!” Agent said, “And welcome to the TDWF: Season Two! I’m the chairman Agent!”
“You’re still the chairman?!!” Falco said, “You tried to kill us last season!”

“You’re reading the wrong script,” Jesse whispered.

Agent and Falco went over the notes, “Oh yeah,” Agent said, “Sorry!”

“So Jesse any news on locating the signal of that dream thing?” Kevin asked.

“I’ll tell you as soon as Agent turns off that freaking ‘Doctor Who Soundtrack’” Jesse snapped.

Agent grumped and shut off his CD player, and then stared at Jesse. “Thank you,” Jesse said, he cleared his throat, “Well I was not able to get a specific frequency as to where it came, and that could take up to a season to do.”

“So did you find anything at all?” Agent stammered.

“No,” Jesse said, “It’s a Pandora Box just trying to get a lock on one thing; and I don’t want to form a gateway between TDWF tower and God-knows-what!”

“Well,” Will said, “Looks like we’ll have to wait another episode to find out what is going on.”

“Argh,” Agent said, shaking with impatience.

“My nostril itches,” Ben said, scratching the inside of his nose.

“Don’t pick your nose!” Jesse snapped.

“You know it’s weird,” Falco said, “Ever sense that spider-thing first showed up, I can’t help but feel like I’m being watched.”

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “I’ve been having the same thing, but it feels sort of tiny…Like…a…a…um…”

“A mouse,” Falco filled in.

“Yes,” Kevin said, “And I keep having these recurring dreams that something with bright purple eyes is staring at me.”

“Wait,” Falco said, “You’re having those dreams too?”
“Hold up! Hold up!” Will said, “So you two are both having the same recurring dream as me…What’s up with that?!!”

Jesse rubbed his chin, “I really don’t know,” he said, “But be honest, when that thing came through it brought dozens of stray dream psionic transmissions with it.”

“So it’s what?” Agent said, “A ghost…”
“Not really,” Jesse said, “It’s more of a glob of radio-waves panning themselves through a rip in reality somewhere, bouncing off the walls, and then finally implanting themselves into our subconscious minds.”

“That’s one strong transmission,” Will said.

“Must be of importance where it came from,” Jesse said.

“Yeah,” Agent said.

“So should we get going with the show,” Will asked.

“I think that’s only fair, I have no more foreshadowing for the week,” Jesse said, “By the way, we need more money so we can build an endo-psionic-wavelength-dematerlization-modulator.”
“A what?” Ben asked, “You never see me rattle off things that make absolutely no sense.”

“A thing that will let us trace the telepathic wavelengths back to their source,” Jesse said.

“So why not just say that?” Ben asked.

“Because it’s so boring,” Jesse said, “And apparently we need to take up at least two pages before starting the first fight.”

“Don’t you think…something dangerous could be at the other end though?” Agent asked, a bit frightened.

“Alternatively we could make first contact with an alien race,” Will said.

“We already did that!” Falco said.

“We did?” Will asked, confused.

“Heeellllooo!” Agent said, waving his hands.

“You don’t count,” Will said.

Agent slumped back in his seat, a sad look on his face, “First match of the day!” He said, twirling his index finger.

Kumonga vs. Bagan

Bagan stomped in the middle of the island, he roared loudly his eyes a blaze. His eyes narrowed as they set upon the four eyes of Kumonga, his arachnid opponent. Kumonga chirped before leaping out of the way, as Bagan instantly fired his Stellar Ray.

Kumonga chirped as he landed and fired his web-ray, Bagan struggled to escape, but to no avail. Kumonga leaped again, this time springing forward past Bagan. Bagan and snarled, his back warmed up as he tried to fire his Stellar Ray, alas the energy was absorbed by the webbing and could not be fired. Kumonga skittered up Bagan’s back and bit down deep into the dragon’s spinal cord.

Bagan hollered as poison began to seep into his veins, the dragon hissed and foamed at the mouth. Finally in a mad fury a Stellar Pulse fired from Bagan, decimating everything around him. As trees exploded in a kilometer radius combusted Kumonga went flying backward.

Bagan shrieked as the webbing as alit into orange blazes, as the ashes fell of their arachnidan genesis went flying backward. Kumonga attempted to fire his web onto Bagan, who was preparing to fire his Stellar Ray and finish off Kumonga. But it failed, both of them did.

As Kumonga’s webbing fired it went down Bagan’s throat, to which the Stellar Ray was rising. Bagan croaked and took Kumonga down, neither one gaining a clear advantage.

Kumonga was the first to get up and tried to pull in Bagan, but the dragon wouldn’t budge. Instead the dragon was more interested in chewing through the webbing embedded in his throat. Bagan hissed and finally pulled the webbing from his throat, to which Bagan threw on the ground.

Bagan struggled to his feet, then he blasted Kumonga, not giving the spider a second’s notice. Kumonga went flying backward, and landed with a distinctive ‘SPLAT’!

Winner through KO, Bagan!

“Agent what are you doing,” Falco asked, looking at his comrade, who had left in mid-battle.

“I’m buufin-g muy teef!” Agent said.

“What?” Falco asked.

“I’m buufin-g muy teef!” Agent said, he spat.

“I still don’t understand,” Falco said.

“I’m brushing my teeth!” Agent said.

“Oh,” Falco said.

“I felt my teeth were unclean,” Agent said, “So I’m brushing them.”

“It’s normal to feel that way with so many stray transmissions wobbling around,” Jesse said, “Some will make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Falco said, “Next thing you know some mûmakil will come crashing through this portal of yours.”

“Exactly,” Agent said, “What is happening!”

"Did you have to cut to the chase?" Jesse asked.

“You’re no fun any more,” Agent said.

“Oh, you’re no fun any more,” Ben said.

“Oh, you’re no fun any more,” Kevin said.

“Okay, you guys are no fun any more,” Falco said.

“You’re no fun,” Will said.

“If anyone else rips off that sketch I’ll throw them under a camel!” Jesse snapped.

“If you can spot any!” Agent chuckled.

“Oy vey,” Jesse said, rolling his eyes.

“Anyway,” Will said.

“Next fight,” Kevin says, “We need better ratings.”

“We also need more Cheez-its,” Falco pointed out, throwing away an empty box of the crackers.

Varan vs. Mothra

Varan marched on the island, his eyes narrowed as Mothra flew in. Mothra hovered quietly above the ground, chirping just audibly. Varan snarled and hissed, Mothra simply stared forward at her foe. Varan breathed steadily, his fork tongue coming in and out.

“Agent turn off the Cyberman theme song!” Jesse snapped.

“Sorry,” Agent said, turning off the CD player.

Varan’s heart tightened, his pulse quickened, his lack of concentration beginning to get the better of him. Mothra continued to hover, as if physically willing her opponent to attack her. Varan struggled to keep his cool, but another ten seconds of this and it would not last.

And Mothra knew it. Varan’s eyes began to dart around, finally he snapped and began to leap for Mothra. Mothra dodged out of the way, but Varan went into a summersault and his spiked tail instantly slammed into Mothra’s bulky head.

Mothra shrieked and fell down, a flaw for her calmness. Mothra struggled to get up but to no avail, Varan was already well out of her way. Varan then flew off, then he stopped. And gravity took hold.

Mothra struggled to take off, finally she made it, and her body began to hover above the ground. Varan however was directly above her, as the sun was blotted out Varan came crashing down upon Mothra.

The weight was far too much for the giant moth to bare and she fell again, totally out of breath…

1…2…3!! Varan wins!

“I’m going to get more Cheez-its,” Falco said, heading downstairs.

“You go and do that,” Jesse said.

Falco jumped down the stairs as he always did, “Bring me SY,” a voice suddenly whispered.

Falco spun around, there underneath the stairway was a man, half-hidden in the shadows. He was dressed in a suit, a very fancy one at that, and very clean. “What did you say?” Falco asked, confused.

“Bring me SY,” the man said, his face not shifting one bit, only to mouth. His voice was cold and ethereal

“S-s-y?” Falco said, “As in Dark Lord SY?”

The man nodded as a sinister smirk came across his face. “Dark Lord SY is dead,” Falco said.

“His body,” The man said, “I can offer you anything you want in the world, or off the world.”

While the offer was extremely tempting, Falco could not possibly turn in his best friend, or could he? Agent had tried to kill him last season, and for what? Total domination and utter enslavement of the planet. Bloody Martian, that stupid SY controlled his body. By the way Agent had put it he had always had three personas, luckily Agent was the nicest and by far the one that had shown his face the most.

“Let me talk this over with the guys,” Falco said, going back up the stairs, realizing he was still hungry for Cheez-its.

The other commentators, who appeared to be discussing which type of Radish they liked the best looked at Falco. “There’s a guy downstairs who says he will give us any amount of money want for SY,” he said.

“Wh-wha’?” Agent stammered, “He didn’t say who he was working for did he?”

“No,” Falco said, “Just that he’d give us anything for the ‘body’ of Dark Lord SY.”

“Okay lemme talk to this guy,” Ben said, “We don’t sell out our cast members, nor do we kill them off in randomly or seemingly odd ways in every episode.”

There was a brief silence while everyone stared at Ben, “Right!” Kevin said, “Everyone downstairs!”

“Hold on,” Jesse said, “We need to think about this. I mean this is Agent we’re talking him about, and this guy think he can offer us just about anything. We need to make sure it’s a good deal!”

“You’re right,” Falco said, as the six of them went downstairs.

Ben peered around the corner, nothing, “Dude there’s absolutely nothing here,” Agent said, “Must’ve been dreaming.”

“Hello,” Ben said.

“Nothing,” Jesse said, “You should get more sleep Falco, and it’s probably that, nothing more.”

“Yeah maybe,” Falco said.

“Final Match?” Will said.

Suddenly a light fixture fell on top of Ben, killing him instantly, ironically contrary to his past comment.

“Oh my god you killed Benny! You bastard!” Kevin said, rushed, “Yeah, final match!”

Bagan vs. Varan

Bagan roared as Varan slowly landed in the middle of Island, still directly across from him. Varan roared too, while Varan was a tall monster, Bagan was simply put huge. Varan roared again and studied his huge opponent.

Bagan immediately fired his Stellar Ray, but Varan dodged it. Bagan tried to follow, but he wasn’t particularly fast ever sense he couldn’t taste properly sense he had that webbing jammed down his esophagus. Varan took no pity on Bagan and glided down towards his foe.

Bagan looked up at the soaring beast only to be kicked in the face, Varan’s legs narrowly clearing Bagan’s horns. Bagan turned around, only to see Varan loop back around. Varan hissed as he flew back, but Bagan was ready, he opened his maw just at the critical moment.

Finally the bland taste of webbing was gone, but ultimately replaced by the taste of Varan’s feet which were equally distasteful. Varan’s eyes opened as he realized what had just transpired. He yelped in pain as Bagan slammed him down.

Bagan slammed his foot into Varan’s cheek, again and again and again. Varan screeched as Bagan finally blasted his foe with his Stellar Ray. Varan was knocked out…

Bagan wins!

“Nice!” Agent said.

“You know,” Kevin said, “We need more engrossing storylines.”
“Yeah,” Falco said, “I do agree.”

“But isn’t the one going on now engrossing enough as it is?” Will asked.

“Well it can only get better soon,” Jesse said, “Anyway, good night all! Shows over!”

“That was abrupt,” Agent said.

The End

TDWF Episode 6

2008-01-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

TDWF VI: Tabula Rasa

Not to long ago, around a few months. Six brave young men opened up the
Trans-Dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation (TDWF).
Sense that point they have fended off the deadly power that was Dark Lord SY,
A foe whose very face was that of one of their own,
but now begins their next greatest challenge, for there was a inter-galactic force
even SY feared…

“Dude!” Kevin shouted, “Pikachu could so own a Dalek!”

“Nuh-uh!” Agent protested, “A Dalek could so totally beat pikachu! Kill that mouse senseless!”

“Guys,” Will said.

“One shock!” Kevin said, raising a finger, “That’s all it would take! And the Dalek would die!”

“Yeah maybe one shock from a hundred pikachu! But not one!” Agent said.

“Guys!” Will said.

“It would take a hundred Daleks just to scratch pikachu!” Kevin said.

“It would take a billion pikachu to even chip a Dalek’s paint!” Agent said.

“Yeah well it would take a quintillion Daleks to even have pikachu take them seriously,” Kevin said.

“It would take google pikachu for the Dalek to even acknowledge them as a threat!” Agent said.

“GUYS!” Will said.

“It would take a googolplex Daleks for Pikachu to even be frightened!” Kevin said.

“Yeah well…” Agent said, trying to think up a comeback.

“GUYS!!” Will said.

“What?!!” Agent and Kevin shouted.

“We’re on air,” Will whispered.

Kevin and Agent looked at each other and chuckled nervously, “For how long,” Agent asked.

“About a page now,” Will said.

Kevin gulped and looked towards Agent. “Um…ah…Um…” Agent said.

Falco, Jesse, and Ben ascended the stairs, “Right now!” Falco said, “Get to work!”

“Hello ladies and gentlemen!” Agent said, “And welcome to the TDWF: Season Two! I’m the chairman Agent!”
“You’re still the chairman?!!” Falco said, “You tried to kill us last season!”

“Tabula Rasa!” Will said, “Anyway! Welcome to TDWF Season Two! With new plotlines and new recurring jokes!”

“Shhhh,” Agent said, “Shhhhh! We don’t want the audience to notice the lack there of the latter!”

“Yes,” Jesse said, “This season we’ll have new kaiju and even more violence for you to sink your teeth into!”

“And I’m still alive,” Ben cheered.

“Yeah, yeah,” Jesse said, “We’re going to halt that recurring joke…maybe…”

“So first match?” Will said.

“Aye,” Agent said, “Let’s get to it!”

Iyrs vs. Rodan

Iyrs remained calm and simply stood still, she casually looked up scanning the sky for Rodan. Rodan was flying from cloud to cloud, only a flicker of him visible at a time. Iyrs’ head went back down, the irislessness of Iyrs made it difficult to tell where she was looking.

Rodan squawked and began a rapid decent towards Iyrs, at speeds of Mach Five Iyrs had no time to react. Rodan smashed with a massive head-butt into Iyrs’ chest, Iyrs remained calm though, as Rodan attempted to spin around, Iyrs missed Rodan’s wings. But next strike she would be ready.

Iyrs taunted Rodan to come down, Rodan accepted the challenge and came down. This time Iyrs swerved out of the way. Instantly half-a-dozen of Iyrs’ tentacles latched on to Rodan. Rodan tore on them, but Rodan’s life force was being drained. The giant pterodactyl was weakened, Rodan hissed as he bit at Iyrs’ tentacles.

Suddenly another tentacle clamped itself around Rodan’s neck. Iyrs relinquished Rodan with her other tentacles, Rodan fell to the ground. Another tentacle clamped the other side of Rodan’s neck. The two tentacles suddenly turned into opposite directions. Rodan’s neck was cracked with a loud snapping sound.

Iyrs wins…

“Ewwwwww…” Ben said, noting Rodan’s limp body.

Suddenly a small spider-type cyborg creature entered, its three red eyes, placed upon metallic stocks eyed the commentators. One of the organic legs crept forward, it was slightly decayed. The three metallic legs followed, as the five organic legs then crept into place.

Everyone swerved around and looked at the peculiar creature. It was roughly the height of a Labrador retriever. It smelt of rust, old blood, sweaty feet, and stale mayonnaise, its three eyes studied the commentators. They clicked slowly as they rotated; it zoomed in on Agent, before moving to Ben.

It hissed and then unfocused, its four jaws clicked, its breathing sounded like it was wheezing or sighing, somewhere in-between. The spider coughed, as everyone looked at it, perplexed. “Um…ah,” Kevin said, confused.

The spider stared at him in response, its eyes focused in again. An infrared image appeared in its mind, scanning him; it then came back to regular light. The spider crept towards Kevin, it studied him, examining him.

A gun appeared and pointed swerving from commentator to commentator before focusing Agent. “I bet this is what happens when you don’t pay your taxes,” Ben said.

“I did pay my taxes,” Agent said.

“Hey where do we keep the guns around here?” Jesse asked, getting slightly nervous.

“Downstairs past the furnace room,” Falco said.

“I thought you kept one in your boot,” Jesse said.

“Oh yeah,” Falco said, reaching down and pulling out his gun.

The spider looked at Falco, who was aiming at the metallic creature. Suddenly an eerie growling sound was heard, the group turned to Agent, who had fallen asleep in the boring atmosphere of the scene. Falco punched Agent, “I’m awake! I’m awake! I didn’t do it I swear!” he shouted.

The spider’s eyes again faced toward Agent, Agent gulped. “Can we get on with this scene?” Ben asked.

The spider chirped in agreement and promptly shot Ben. “Oh my god! He killed Benny!” Kevin said.

“You bastard!” Agent shouted, raising a fist.

Falco aimed and fired his gun at the spider, the bullet ricocheted off. “Eee!” Jesse said, ducking as the bullet went soaring over his head.

Falco turned the setting on his gun, putting it on a stronger setting. He fired again this time a laser shot out, it incapacitated the spider instantly. “I’ll take it down to the lab and have it analyzed,” Jesse said.

“Kevin,” Agent said, “Give him a hand.”

Kevin nodded, as he aided Jesse lift the surprisingly heavy cyborg spider off the ground and down the stairs. “Ah,” Agent said, “With them out of the way, we can listen to some J.S. Bach!”

Falco rubbed his hands together and played the song ‘Dazu ist erschienen der sohn gottes’. The three remaining commentators sighed in relief as the music calmed them down. “So what model gun is that?” Agent asked.

“Hyper-sonic Raven mark III,” Falco said, twirling the gun.

“Ah,” Agent said.

“So what do you guys think that thing was,” Will asked.

“I have never seen anything like it,” Falco said.

“I know,” Agent said, “Nothing like that on the Earth.”
“Well let’s let the scientists make the educated guesses,” Will said, “Next match.”

“Agreed,” Falco and Agent said.

Mecha-Godzilla 1 vs. Baragon

MG1 marched its way into the arena, Baragon was no-where to be seen however. MG1 scanned the area for its foe, it went to x-ray mode; Baragon was underground. MG1 prepared to fire, but Baragon was far to fast and tunneled underneath his foe.

The robotic dinosaur turned in response but fell instead into a trench. Baragon came from his left and slammed his weight on to MG1.

1…2…

No MG1 managed to fly off. Baragon snarled and looked at his flying foe. A flame was produced from Baragon’s mouth, but he couldn’t get a good aim at MG1. MG1 fired his laser ray and blasted away at his short pink opponent. Baragon screeched as he flew backward in pain. MG1 landed and fired missiles at his foe, Baragon has little chance to recover, but struggled to move forward.

Baragon leapt forward, absorbing all the missiles, flame ray flaring Baragon tried to flam his full bodyweight on to MG1. MG1 responded by catching the monster. In a brief moment the two were hugging, then MG1 slammed Baragon on the ground, placing his own full bodyweight on to the dinosaur. Baragon struggled to breathe but was out of breath.

1…2…3…MG1 Wins!

“So how long till the test results are back?” Agent said, tapping his fingers.

“I dunno,” Will said, “Anyone want a root beer float?”

“Sure,” Agent said.

“Me too,” Falco said, raising a finger.

Will nodded and headed downstairs. “Man,” Agent said, “That spider-thing smelt like burnt rubber and dead fish in a blender with old gym socks!”

“Yeah,” Falco said, noticing the burning smell.

Agent sighed, “I just get the feeling something really bad is going to happen. You know?”

“I do know that feeling all too well,” Falco said, “You think it has anything to do with the Story Arc this season?”

“Oh undoubtedly,” Agent said, he looked around, “I’m bored.”

Will came back up the stairs with some root beer floats, “Cheers,” he said.

Jesse and Kevin came back up as well, “Well the results are back,” Kevin said, “And they aren’t pretty.”

“What’s so bad about an arachnid with some metal on his back?” Agent asked.

“Well the ‘Spider’s’ molecular structure is unlike anything naturally occurring on this planet. In fact it’s near synthetic, and force grown,” Jesse said, “Imagine if you will a genetically engineered corn on steroids.”

“Can we have bacon to go with our root beer floats?” Agent interrupted.

“Shut up,” Jesse said, “The end result is that this creature was born artificially and kept alive through mechanical means.”

“And that’s not the creepy part,” Kevin said, reading off the chart, “The metal we found on its back was Unobtainium.”

“Exactly,” Jesse said.

“Meaning what?” Falco asked.

“Unobtainium is well…Unobtainable,” Jesse said.

“It’s not found on this Earth,” Kevin said.

“And it’s entirely fictious,” Jesse said.

“Meaning?” Will said.

“It’s not real!” Jesse said.

“Then how can it exist?!!” Will asked.

“I don’t know!” Jesse said.

“So the spider was just in our imagination?” Falco said, confused.

“Apparently,” Jesse said.

“Here comes the technobabble,” Agent muttered.

“Take for instance Freddy Kruger or the Isolus,” Jesse said, “Both are capable of channeling psychic energy into physical form. I hypothesize that this maybe the end product of such an event. I may be able to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and find the creature that projected this thing to begin with.”

“And?” Agent said, “There’s always a catch with these things.”

“If we traverses into another being’s mind it may not be able to contain us for long and we’ll bleed into the real world,” Jesse said, “And we might not have a way back to Earth.”

“How is all this all possible?” Will asked, confused.

“Two things,” Jesse said, “Numero Uno the mind is extremely powerful, and secondly this is science fiction we can do whatever we want!”

“Okay,” Will said.

“The Force,” Jesse said, “Only to more extreme point!”
“What?” Agent said, confused.

“Being able to manipulate things with your mind,” Jesse said, “But this is literally creating things from one’s own thoughts!”

“Confusing,” Falco said, “But I’m sure it all makes sense some how.”

“Gentlemen; we are dealing with something entirely fictious,” Jesse said, “I suggest we use caution if any of these imaginary beings come into existence again.”

“Any questions,” Will asked, “None good, then let’s wrap this episode up.”

Mecha-Godzilla 1 vs. Iyrs

MG1’s rockets softened as he landed, Iyrs followed the robot’s every move. MG1 touched down, the ground shaking as he landed. MG1’s eyes met Iyrs’ eyes, though neither could grin at the pain they were about to inflict on each other they probably would if they could.

Slowly the snake-like tentacles crept through the undergrowth towards MG1. MG1 opened his mouth and fired his flamethrower; Iyrs had no means to duck. But its tentacles were already behind MG1, the tentacles ensnared their robotic adversary. MG1 tried to fire with his eye lasers, but they were far to close, and could not be hit. Finally one tentacle came in front of MG1. MG1 tried to escape, but he could not, so he fired off his finger missiles. To no avail, the tentacle was to narrow to be hit.

Iyrs chirped in amusement as the tentacle opened and proceeded to charge. MG1 still tried to escape, but it simply couldn’t work as the tentacles continued to constrict. Finally a piercing sonic laser was shot out from the tentacle and decapitated MG1 with ease.

MG1’s head fell to the ground and exploded…MG1 stopped squirming as his control unit had been destroyed.

Iyrs wins…

“Well it’s been a fun opening to a new season,” Agent said, “Thank you for your attendance and donations! Peace out!”

“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!” Ben shouted.

“Particularly when it’s irrelevant to the topic at hand,” Jesse said, “Good night all!”

The End

TDWF Episode 5

2008-01-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

TDWF V: War on Earth

“Okay!” Agent said, “Finale time! Do as many rip-offs as you can of other programming!”

“D’oh! Agent no more rip-offs!” Jesse said, “Otherwise the kids watching these won’t know plagiarism when they see it!”

“Look can we just get the battles out of the way so we can have the finale?” Falco asked.

“You will be exterminated,” Agent said.

“Hey!” Ben noticed, “We got italics back!”

“I don’t like italics,” Jesse said, “They take to much time to type.”

“Shut up,” Will said, “Let’s get on with it!”

“Yes get on with it!” Fluffy said.

“Get on with it!” Agent said.

“Get on with it!” Falco said.

“Yeahh roar!” Ben and Kevin shouted.

“Hit the ‘Imperial March’!” Falco said, playing a CD as the Darth Vader theme came on.

“Yeah!” Agent said, “Now that we have a Monty Python and Star Wars reference we can begin!”

“I can’t wait for the South Park reference!” Ben said.

“Shut up Ben!” Jesse said.

“So for those of you at home,” Falco said, “Get some popcorn, cookies, and a bottle of water sense we hope this will last about Twelve Pages! Dae-dae-dae-dum! Dae-dae-dae-dum!”

“Dae-dae-dae-dae-dum-dum!” Agent hummed the song along with Falco.

“Excuse me guys,” Kevin said, “But there’s just one reference I have to get out of my system.”

“And that would be?” Will asked.

“With great power comes great responsibility,” Kevin sighed.

“Well guess what?” Ben said, “Agent goes all Green Goblin and Gollum later on!”

Falco put his hand around Ben’s mouth, “Shhhhh!” Falco said, “Shhhh! Quiet! …Will the audience please disregard the last comment?!”

“Look on the bright side of things,” Agent said, “He got the Lord of the Rings reference out of the way…”

“Good point,” Falco said, releasing Ben, “We need a Jeepers Creepers reference and an AVP reference!”

“Movie references for all!” Kevin proclaimed.

“First match!” Will said, “No objections?”

“Nope,” Jesse said.

“Good,” Will said.

“EXTERMINATE! ANNIHILATE! DESTROY!” Agent shouted, “Love that song.”

“You should listen to Rammstein,” Falco said.

G2K vs. Destroyah

G2K’s eyes narrowed as he saw Destroyah, Destroyah simply stared, inert. G2K charged his opponent, Destroyah leapt out of the way. G2K looked up at his foe, Destroyah’s wings stopped flapping and the giant crab-creature prepared to do a full body-slam. G2K fired his heat-ray, stunning and wounding his foe who came crashing down upon his head.

G2K struggled to crawl out from under his heavy-weight opponent. Destroyah crawled off and fired his laser horn, G2K screeched with pain, but managed to escape. G2K fired his heat ray, but quiet simultaneously Destroyah fired his micro-oxygen ray.

A massive beam fight transpired with the two glowing rays of deadly energy pressing against each other. G2K moved into the ray as it began to glow more and more yellow, than red. Finally Destroyah was forced to let out. G2K gave it full force, but Destroyah managed to duck.

Destroyah charged forward with his massive stinger’dididid tail.

“Stinger’dididid tail?” Jesse interrupted.

Destroyah grappled G2K on to a cliff, pinning him down with his tail. G2K struggled to fire his heat ray, but only foamed at the mouth. Destroyah fired his micro-oxygen ray, scarring G2K’s flesh, but it soon healed over.

G2K gasped for air as Destroyah mercilessly pummeled him while simultaneously firing his saurian adversary with micro-oxygen. G2K snarled and his rage blinded his thoughts, he couldn’t think straight as his body slowly succumbed.

1…2…

No G2K thought of how his wife had been cheating on him with Godzilla! G2K was reinvigorated with energy and a nuclear pulse immediately broke Destroyah’s hold. G2K punched Destroyah back, pulling a similar tactic of stomping his foe and shooting his heat ray. Destroyah wailed away then suddenly in a poof of orange dust he vanished.

1???2???Thr-…

No! Seven smaller versions of Destroyah surfaced from the ground and began overwhelming the much taller G2K.

“Rotersand!” Agent shouted.

“Rammstein!” Falco retorted.

“Rotersand!” Agent shouted, again.

“Rammstein!” Falco shouted.

“Rotersand infinity!” Agent shouted.

“Rammstein infinity squared!” Falco shouted.

“Shut up you two!” Will shouted.

G2K threw another little Destroyah off his shoulders before blasting away at another one with his heat ray. He stomped one under his foot and sent two more flying with his tail. G2K roared and blasted everything he could with his heat ray. G2K saw there were no more Destroyahlings around him. He sighed in relief, as a small tremor wound up beneath him. He looked down as the Earth split open, behind him the Destroyahlings had re-merged and now carried up G2K in their supreme form. G2K snarled and tried to fire but couldn’t as he soared into the heavens.

G2K struggled to escape but Destroyah would not let go. Destroyah’s tail came around his left shoulder and locked on to G2K’s throat. G2K struggled to move but he was already out of breath from working so hard. G2K finally built up rage inside of him and a massive nuclear explosion occurred within his spines, the explosion was massive and obliterated the view of the sun.

Destroyah let go as he was disintegrated and bits and pieces of him fell down. G2K fell down in one piece but…

G2K wins…

“Good now on to scene 24 which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting in which a vital part plot is carried out,” Agent said.

“And what would that be?” Jesse asked, staring at Agent.

Agent pulled out a gun, “I’m going to take you all prisoners.”

“I thought you betrayed,” Falco said, leaning back in his chair.

“Yeah well here’s a plot-twist for you Benny!” Fluffy said.

“Now if you’ll come with us,” Agent said.

“You mean you,” Falco said.

“No he means us,” Fluffy said, prodding Falco with the gun.

“Yeah what he said!” Agent said.

Falco pushed the gun away, “No…”

“Chop-chop! Allonys-y! Up and at ‘em!” Agent said, “Beeilen Sie sich!”

Three warriors materialized, because they were stock-characters doomed to the Stormtrooper effect they had no lines, but they nonetheless pointed their guns at the commentators and gestured for them to follow. “Alright fine,” Will said, “I’m not in the mood to be in a fight sequence just yet.”

Agent/Fluffy grinned, “Excellent…” Agent whispered.

Fluffy tapped a button on his watch, “Beam us up Scotty!” he said.

On board the spaceship, now no longer cloaked but still above the Earth preparing to destroy it. The commentators, Agent/Fluffy, and the three warriors materialized. “How’s that for a Star Trek reference?” Fluffy asked.

“Very good,” Falco said.

“Yes,” Fluffy said, “A Star Trek and a Star Wars reference in less than a page! Now all we need is a Stargate reference!”

“Indeed,” Falco said.

Another guard of the Materialization platform, “Fluffy Univac, please escort our ‘guests’ to their quarters,” he said.

Fluffy/Agent nodded, “Come on guys…” he sighed.

“We get quarters?” Ben whispered.

“I think he means prison,” Kevin whispered.

After walking down a rather pretty hallway adorned with brass and silver ornaments along with blue lights the commentators reached their prison cell. However Agent/Fluffy was shoved in as well. “Hey!” Agent said, “Why am I being shoved in?!!”

“Because,” The head guard said, “You waited to long to return; when Lord SY awakens from his slumber you can take it up with him.”

Fluffy sighed and grumbled. “Hey!” Will said, “There’s a TV in here! We can continue to commentate!”

Yonggary vs. Godzilla

Godzilla rose from the depths of the water and roared a challenge to Yonggary. Yonggary bellowed in response and waved his head to taunt Godzilla. Godzilla marched slowly from the depths, unlike G2K he was not lightly built, in fact just the opposite.

The two saurian monsters continued to roar at each other, Yonggary shot a fireball, but Godzilla ducked it with relative ease. Godzilla fired his heat ray, Yonggary screeched with pain, he was not a very heavily built kaiju and was very susceptible to damage.

Godzilla let off his relenting attack but moved forward as his stunned opponent struggled to regain his train of thought. Godzilla punched Yonggary in the face several times before kicking him in the groin. Yonggary fell over quickly afterward.

Godzilla smashed his opponent’s face and held him down.

1…2…3! Godzilla wins!!!

“My that was quick….Especially for a semi-final!” Kevin said.

“Well more room for the climax then,” Jesse said.

“Woohoo!” Ben said, “Climax!”

“Shut up Ben,” Jesse said.

“Well we need to think of a way out of here,” Will said.

“Sonic screwdriver?” Falco said.

“How about a Laser Screwdriver?” Ben suggested.

“Shut up, Ben,” Jesse said.

“I’m tempted to make a Shakespearian reference,” Fluffy said.

“So make one…” Will said.

Fluffy sighed, “To be or not to be, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life,
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.”

“Happy?” Jesse asked.

“Very much so,” Fluffy said.

A guard with an imposing halberd came towards the cell, “Lord SY will see you now,” he said.

He unlocked the cell as the commentators were forced to follow. Down the dark corridor again, this time they went to what appeared to be the control room. Fluffy took a seat on the throne, the guards departed. “So where is he?” Jesse asked.

“Behold your Lord and Master’s face,” Fluffy said, clicking a remote button on the throne.

An armada of brass flying saucers appeared on screen, accompanied by an ominous choir singing, those who knew the DoctorWho soundtrack recognized it as track 25 the Dalek theme song. “Oh sorry,” Fluffy said, “Agent must have forgotten to take out the Doctor Who DVD.”

“Episode 12: Bad Wolf,” Agent remarked, “My favorite.”

Fluffy clicked the button again, “Now behold the face of your Lord and Master.”

The camera on the large TV panned towards the throne, zooming in on Agent/Fluffy. “More like Agent slash Fluffy slash Dark Lord SY,” Agent said, but his voice was deeper and had a Scottish accent.

“What a plot-twist!” Ben said.

“I saw that one coming,” Kevin said.

“You are one ugly mother,” Falco muttered.

“Yeah, yeah,” SY said.

“The suspense is killing me!” Ben said, “What’s coming next?!!”

SY pulled out a gun and shot Ben, “Yeah….Oh my God, I killed Ben…Get over it,” he said, “That’s becoming too much of a cliché for my tastes.”

“You bastard!” Kevin said, “But I agree.”

“So…Where were we?” SY asked.

“Behold the face of your master?” Will suggested.

“Oh yes!” SY said, “Behold the face of your Lord and Master! I rule sixteen systems in the constellation of Callufrax!”

“Oh scary!” Jesse said, “I own two shares in Tacoma, Washington!”

“Oh you’re frightening,” SY chuckled, “Now die!”
“I signed on for season two though!” Jesse said.

“So did Agent,” SY said, “Now die!”

SY shot Jesse, Kevin screamed like a girl, and Will simply passed out. “You…You shot me!” Jesse said, clutching the bullet wound.

Falco stood forward, “I’m going to stop you, even if it kills me!”

“Better wait a minute,” SY sang.

“Yah better hold the phone.
Yah better mind your manners.
Better change your tone.

“Don’t you threaten me son.
You got a lot of gall.
We gonna do things my way.
Or we won’t do things at all.

“You don’t know what you’re messin’ with.
You got no idea!
Yah don’t know what you’re lookin’ at
When your looking here!

“Ya don't know what you're up against,
No, no way, no how.
You don't know what you're messin' with,
But I'm gonna tell you now!

Get this straight!
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space
and I'm bad.
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space
and it looks like you been had.
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,
So get off my back, 'n get out my face,
'Cause I'm mean and green
And I am bad.”

“Dude that’s Little Shop of Horrors,” Falco said.

“Dang it,” SY said, “You’re no fun.”

“Can we just cut to the chase,” Jesse asked, “I’m tired of laying here wounded.”

Falco and SY nodded as the two proceeded to fight one another. By contrast to Agent, SY was an epic warrior and Falco was almost defeated. Falco roundhouse-kicked SY, to no avail. “Cu-loo-koo-koo-koo-ku-ku-ku!” Falco sang in a reference to the film Strange Brew, charging at SY, his voice going up the musical scale, then it went back down, “Cu-loo-koo-koo-koo-ku-ku-ku!”

SY, rolled out of the way then stuck his leg out and tripped Falco. Kevin hit his Ipod and proceeded to watch it with the song ‘Exterminate, Annihilate, Destroy’ by Rotersand playing in the background, it went well as Falco and Dark Lord SY went at it.

Falco punched SY square in the nose, but the space-overlord in the body of Falco’s best-friend continued to fight. SY doubled punched Falco before Butterfly kicking the Security Officer’s face. “Now die!” SY said, pulling a gun out.

Falco pulled his own gun out, as Kevin danced to his music. Falco shot SY, “Not so much look!” SY said, still pursuing Falco.

Falco managed to kick the gun out of SY’s hand while crab-walking. Falco threw away his gun, “Such a messy weapon,” he said.

“Let’s settle this like gentlemen,” SY said, handing Falco a sword, SY drew his own sword.

The two engaged into a virulent fight that lasted over five minutes, Kevin looked onward but continued to dance with no apparent cause as the song shifted to the ‘Imperial March’ from the Star Wars soundtrack.

“Come on Falco,” SY said, “You know you can’t beat me!”

“I know,” Falco said, “But we need to continue this battle for at least till the end of this page.”

SY nodded in agreement, “Give it up Cheesy fighter you cannot beat me, let us ruin the audience’s time by ending the battle early,” SY said.

Now there was one thing Falco could not stand: and that was to be called ‘Cheesy’. In his immense rage Falco broke down on SY’s sword, shattering it. Falco kicked Dark Lord SY and held the blade to his throat. “Fatality,” Falco said.

“No…” SY said, “Keep what you kill.”
SY was gasping for air, but grinning madly. “There’s your page,” he said.

“Oh so it is,” Falco smiled, “Now to finish this season off once and for all so that I can go have a vacation in Hawaii!”

“Surrender SY you are defeated,” Falco said.

SY looked around, “Greifen Sie meine Günstlinge an!!” he shouted, “Töten Sie das übel riechende!”

Immediately, a dozen guards entered waving guns. Kevin picked up the two guns dropped earlier in the fight sequence. “Hasta la vista, baby,” Kevin said, shooting at the guards.

The guards tried to fire at Kevin but failed, somehow they completely missed Falco. SY clicked a button on his watch. “Fools,” he muttered.

“What?” Falco said, “What have you done?!!”

“The ship’s self-destruct sequence has been activated,” SY chuckled, “You have thirty seconds to reach minimum safe distance.”

“He has a button on his watch that will transport us down to the planet!” Jesse shouted, “Click it!”

Falco searched SY’s watch for the button and found it in the form of a button with the word ‘TRANSPORT’ stamped on it. Falco shrugged and pushed it, instantly he, AgentX95/Señor Traitor Fluffy Univac/Dark Lord SY, and the other commentators were transported back to TDWF Tower.

Will awoke from his unconscious state just to see the giant explosion in the sky with the others. “Whoa,” he said, before passing out again.

“Now you’ve brought a greater curse upon yourself,” SY chuckled, “Now I’m stuck with you…But, always look on the bright side of life!”

SY started to whistle, Jesse slapped him, “Shut up SY,” he said, “I suggest we download these two extra consciences out of Agent’s head.”

“Can we even do that?” Kevin asked.

“Dude,” Jesse said, “It’s science fiction we can do whatever we want!”

“Cool!” Kevin said.

“Now don’t get any ideas,” Jesse said, he turned to Falco, “You okay?”

“Oh yeah perfectly fine,” Falco said, “Piece of cake.”

SY was about to strangle Falco but Kevin held him back.

Half-an hour later…

“Well Agent should be out for about an hour,” Jesse said, “But I do have good news…”

“That you just saved a bunch of money on your Car Insurance by switching to Geico?” Kevin asked.

“Well that and Fluffy and SY should be forever removed from Agent’s mind, they will be placed on Hard-drive incase we ever have a need for information they may contain…”

Will stared on, “Should we get to the final battle?”

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “Let’s get this long day over with.”

G2K vs. Godzilla

Two Godzillas, only one of them could triumph. G2K roared, Godzilla roared in response. Immediately the two went at it with their heat rays, the two rays danced back and fourth hand in hand, as if a giant ball of sparks was going between the two. Neither Godzilla was getting much ground.

Finally the bomb of nuclear fire ruptured knocking both Godzillas downward. Godzilla snarled and G2K grumbled, Godzilla staggered to his feet, but G2K was already charging towards him. Godzilla struggled to fire a heat ray, but was out of juice and only sparks shot out.

G2K slammed his full weight into Godzilla, Godzilla was knocked over once again. G2K pummeled mercilessly at his opponent. Godzilla screeched and fired off a nuclear pulse, G2K was instantly repelled. G2K roared and tried to charge again, but this time Godzilla was prepared for his doppelganger.

Godzilla spun around and knocked over G2K with his tail. Godzilla stomped on G2K’s face, the moment G2K tried to get up Godzilla would stomp him back to Earth.

Kevin began playing the ‘Venom Theme’ from the Spiderman 3 soundtrack.

Anyway…

G2K suddenly darted out from under Godzilla’s foot. Godzilla’s foot came smashing down, G2K grabbed hold of it and bit in. A nuclear bite directly to Godzilla’s foot was particularly painful. G2K pulled under Godzilla, tripping the behemoth. Godzilla snarled and managed to re-charge his heat ray and blasted G2K.

G2K snarled and shoved off the blast. Godzilla pulled himself up and punched G2K. G2K punched in return, the two began to exchange blows like wild-fire. Godzilla roared and G2K roared back, as the Kings of the Monsters fought it out.

Godzilla finally spun around and knocked over G2K. Godzilla sprinted for the ocean, unfortunately Godzilla was not particularly fast, unlike G2K. Fortunately Godzilla made it to the ocean and jumped in, but G2K quickly followed and jumped in afterward.

Godzilla swam down deep and G2K followed, shooting his heat ray at his opponent. Sadly the battle continued beyond the underwater could follow, so we do not know what occurred.

“With the millions of dollars,” Jesse said, “Couldn’t we afford better cameras?”

“Sorry,” Kevin said.

Seven Minutes later….

KABOOM a massive explosion occurred from somewhere beneath the water, spraying up a dolphin, three dozen fish, and a million gallons of water.

Two more minutes…

G2K resurfaced, but Godzilla grabbed on to him and pulled him back under. However a nuclear pulse shot off from G2K’s spines, blasting Godzilla off. Godzilla struggled on to land, trying to recover from the awesome blow, but he was running low on energy.

As he crawled on the land, G2K surfaced and followed, and tripped. The two were panting insanely, G2K struggled to get up and lumber after the crawling Godzilla. G2K stomped on Godzilla. But Godzilla would not be defeated so easily. Godzilla spun around and fired his heat ray directly on to G2K’s face.

G2K screamed and fell to the ground, Godzilla pulled himself over G2K’s body, his body weight holding the smaller kaiju down. Godzilla sighed, as he smashed his fist down on to G2K’s head. Godzilla then fell asleep on top of G2K….

1…2…3! Godzilla beats Godzilla 2000!

“Ha!” Falco said, “Godzilla wins! Agent owes me five bucks!”

“Well it seems things are getting back to normal,” Will said, “And what an exciting season it’s been.”
“Yes indeed,” Jesse said, “We even exceeded the 12 page idea posted earlier!”

“Yup,” Kevin said, “So it gives me great honor to bestow upon Godzilla our first Champion Award!”

“So good night everyone, kids brush your teeth, and see you in October for TDWF Season Two: The Shaw Chronicles!” Will said, “Good night!”

“And don’t let the bed bugs bite!” Kevin said.

“Syonara!” Jesse said.

“Bye-bye now!” Falco said.

The End

TDWF Episode 4

2008-01-06T12:19:00.000-08:00

TDWF IV: Diabolical Deceit and Tyrannical Treachery

“Okay show’sa starting,” Will said, clapping his hands together, “Chop-chop!”

The other commentators, spare Ben, who was repairing a computer panel, and was already in the room. “Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the TDWF this wonderful summer evening!” Will said.

“I wonder if he realizes its autumn,” Kevin whispered.

“What?” Will said, spinning around.

“Nothing,” Kevin said, “Carry on!”

Ben looked at the credits, “Can’t we call it ‘A Star of Hope’?” he asked.

“No, because that’d be an improper title,” Jesse said.

“Oh,” Ben said.

Falco looked around, “So should we have the first match now? Or wait till we’ve wasted two pages worth of script before we begin?” he asked.

“Wait,” Kevin said, “I’m sure Agent will have something to say to hold up, right Agent?”

“Qué?!” Agent said, looking up, his normal wild grin now vanished with a more agitated and alienated look.

“Well,” Falco said, “I mean normally you’re babbling away by this time, have you anything to say?”

“No, yo no tengo nada decir,” Agent said, a slight hint of a Jersey accent on him.

“Well that certainly cut to the chase now didn’t it? So much for suspense…” Kevin said.

“Shut up Kevin!” Jesse said.

“¿Dijo bien. ..What fue su nombre otra vez?” Agent said.

“Stop speaking in Chinese!” Ben said, “Gah, Agent we have a hard enough time trying to understand you!”

¡Yo no hablo a chino. ..And que soy no Agente!” Agent said, “¡Esto es español!”

“It’s Spanish,” Will assessed, “Anyone here know Spanish.”

“Allí ahora usted tiene su página. ¡Ahora sálgame solo y permitió que mí hacer mi trabajo!” Agent said.

Everyone nodded, no one spoke Spanish. “Good thing I do,” Will said, “¿Quién no es usted si Agente?”

“Soy Señor Fluffy Univac,” Agent said.

“¿Ah, Señor Fluffy Univac, por qué ha venido usted a nosotros entonces?” Will said.

Kevin whispered to Ben, “Can you make any sense of this?”

“Only because I’ve read the script,” Ben said, “And you’re supposed to ask Falco not me.”

“Oh sorry,” Kevin said, he then leaned over Falco’s shoulder, “Can you make any sense of this?”
“The only words I got are Señor and Fluffy…” he said.

“¿Dirá usted a esos imbéciles para cerrar sus hoyos de pastel?” Agent said.

“Can’t you speak English?” Will asked.

¿"Bien seguro. ..But por qué hago oso tocar la lengua con su langague asqueroso"? Agent replied.

"Piensa en la audiencia en casa". Will said.

“Good point,” Fluffy said, “It’s also good that they are finally typing my name as ‘Fluffy’.”

“So why are you here,” Falco said, “And what have you done to Agent?!!”
“Simple,” Fluffy said, “I inhabit this body just as you inhabit yours.”

“But Agent owns his!” Ben said.

“No…” Fluffy said, “We share this body…”

“So what are you doing here awake though?!!” Jesse asked.

“I’m getting to that,” Fluffy said, “Agent was originally assigned to work as an operative amongst you for Dark Lord SY; alas he betrayed SY and now seats amongst you.”

“So he sent you?” Falco said.

“Precisely,” Fluffy said, “But I have no intention of serving that megalomaniac any longer! From now on I’m a traitor…And I know just what SY will call me! Señor Traitor Fluffy Univac! You can call me that if you like.”

“How about we just turn it into an acronym?” Falco asked.

“Works for me,” STFU said.

“STFU would you like a job as a commentator?” Will asked.

“I’d love too,” STFU said.

“Right!” Ben said, “First match of the day!”

Destroyah vs. Gyaos

Destroyah trudged it’s way into the middle of the island. Gyaos was perched atop the mountain, she chirped lightly, before sending a stream of sonic sound spiraling down towards her foe. Destroyah leaped out of the way, utilizing it’s laser horn it quickly sliced the mountain cliff where Gyaos was situated in half, causing the giant bird to fall.

Destroyah caught Gyaos and injected the bird with micro-oxygen wounding the giant bird. Destroyah then spun Gyaos up into the air, he batted the bird away with his tail. And then obliterated his foe with a micro-oxygen explosion.

Destroyah wins through total annihilation…

“And so the chicken says ‘that’s no moose that’s my wife!’” Kevin snickered, Ben cracked up at this.

“STFU!” Jesse said.

“What?!!” STFU replied.

“Never mind,” Jesse said.

STFU clutched his forehead, “I feel sick,” he said, “I’m going to get a bucket.”

“A bucket?” Kevin said, “What for? For Ben to kick?!”
He cracked up, Ben shot him a look and he went silent. “There’s some Dramamine in the medicine cabinet,” Jesse said, pointing downstairs.

STFU nodded and went downstairs. Jesse watched him descend, then turned back and faced to the other commentators. “Man I knew Agent was insane but this goes against everything I had expected,” Jesse said.

“Yeah,” Will said, “Still such an odd plot twist is to be expected.”

“True,” Jesse said, “But this is a bit extreme.”

“It’s nothing compared to what’s coming!” Ben interrupted.

“Shut up Ben,” Jesse said.

“You know, if I wasn’t a shrink I probably wouldn’t be saying this but…” Kevin said, “Notice that Fluffy seems to be a Bridger…Whereas Agent is more of a superego, I mean deep down he’s the nicest guy I know.”

“So you’re wondering where the Id is in all this?” Falco said, raising an eyebrow.

“Precisely,” Kevin said.

“A bit off topic,” Ben said, “But you know what we need? Cool background music!”

“Ben…Shut up!” Jesse said.

“It’s true though,” Falco pointed out.

STFU crawled back up the stairs, his left eye twitching and its pupil disproportionate to its right counterpart, and he was trembling. “Fluffy?” Falco asked, “You okay bud?”

“Fluffy?” STFU asked, “I’m not Fluffy… I’m Agent…As in AgentX95! My full title which everyone seems to have forgotten about in this…this…REMAKE!”

“Chill out dude,” Falco said, “The remake was your idea.”

“I know, but it still gives me a way to output my rage,” Agent said.

“Back to an in-character remark,” Jesse said, “So what do you know of Dark Lord SY?!!”

“Nothing!” Agent said, “I’ll never, never tell!”

“So you do know something then,” Falco said, “Tell me now!”
Falco pinned Agent up against the wall with an arm around his neck, “¡Bájese deme usted puta anoréxica descarnada de drogadicto!” Agent protested, his Jersey accent coming back on.

“Oh dear,” Will said.

“What?!!” Falco said, “What did he say?!!”

“Stuff we can’t mention on air,” Will said.

“Well what did he say?!” Falco grumbled.

“You don’t want to know…” Will said, “And I’m leaving it at that.”

“I think Fluffy came back,” Kevin said, “I’ve known Agent for a while; he only speaks French, German, and some Japanese.”

“¡Usted es zurce el derecho que regresé, el Agente no puede luchar el valor nada! ¡Ahora bájese deme usted mono-brained de puerco-encaró demonio demoníaco!” Fluffy said.

“You shut up!” Agent’s personality roared back, “This is my job! And two can play at your game! Hoo-hoo! Oh yes! Le français est la façon pour aller ! Ils ont du fromage, le pain, les tours, et les femmes avec les aisselles poilues !”

“This could get interesting,” Jesse said, “Let him go, let Agent just fight it out with himself.”

Falco let go, “Works for me!”

“Ha ! Je gagnerai ! Préparer à rencontrer votre Monsieur de ruine Fluffy ! Allons-y !” Agent said.

“¡Donde las dan las toman! ¡Yo le mataré!” Fluffy shouted.

“Aussi pourrait vous tuer!” Agent shouted, “Aller manger un chargement de merde de cheval!

“¡Usted come mierda de caballo!” Fluffy retorted, “¡Y así que hace a su mamá! ....And su Papá!”

“Ouais bien ne pas me blâmer quand les censeurs vous interdisent!” Agent said.

“Por lo menos yo no soy un resser cruzado!” Fluffy shouted, grabbing Agent by the neck, which was infact his own as well.

“Cela a à rien ne faire avec cela ! Maintenant mourir ou je vous tuerai où vous vous tenez le taré d'aberration de lâche de bas-vie mangeur d'escargot de goth à demi de nudistes et le membre de PETA!” Agent shouted, throwing Fluffy down the stairs.

“¡Muérase el vampiro ahora impío de Francia!” Fluffy shouted, falling down the stairs, wrestling Agent’s hands off of him.

“Nous avons fait ceci pour une page le maintient un morceau plus long ! Parlons de quelque chose d'autre!” Agent said.

“¡Yo aunque Hombre de Spider Man Three! ¡Yo Sandman malo fue fresco pero fue totalmente cojo en el punto culminante y en que el demonio fue el "New Goblin" debe haber sido el Hobgoblin!” Fluffy said, as he rolled down the stairs.

“Je consens, mais le Venom est le souhait toujours impressionnant il était plus grand bien que comme dans le comique!” Agent said, “Dans la boîte LOST vous croyez qu'ils ont éliminé Charlie?”

“¡Ellos mataron Charlie?!! ¡Ah mi bondad!” Fluffy exclaimed.

“How long till they hit the bottom?” Kevin whispered amidst the mass argument.

“About ten seconds…” Jesse said.

“OW!” Agent shouted, as his back hit the ground.

Agent held down Fluffy, “Ha now die!” he shouted.

1…2…3…Agent wins!

“Okay,” Jesse said, “Match over…Now Agent fights Destroyah!”

Agent stood up and dusted himself off, “I nominated Ben to fight Destroyah and take my place.” He proclaimed.

Everyone looked at each other, spare Ben, and nodded. “Works for us,” Jesse said.

“Why me?!!” Ben said.

“Because you’re a red shirt and I want to get on with the finale,” Agent said, “Now go…And because I’m your boss!”

Destroyah vs. Ben

Ben walked out of TDWF Tower and walked towards Destroyah. Ben barely came up to Destroyah’s toenail. Ben looked up and grinned and was flattened instantly.

Destroyah wins!

“In what may be called the shortest battle ever,” Will said, “And despite all odds! Destroyah has won! I can only say one phrase, someone please fill in the other spot! ‘Oh my god he killed Benny!’”

“ ‘You Bastard’” Kevin said.

“And so wraps up another heart-felt episode of the TDWF!” Jesse said, “Good night and don’t forget to brush your teeth!”

Meanwhile…In a spaceship hovering above the Earth…

“So they think they can play games huh?” SY said.

“Well next episode is the finale! And I’ll show them!” he chuckled, “So much for that split-personality weirdo! Prepare for the final battle! Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“Jetzt beginnt das Finale und der allerletzt Handlungsdrehung!” SY laughed.

The End

TDWF Episode 3

2008-01-06T12:09:00.000-08:00

TDWF III: ….

“I can’t think of a name…” Agent said.

“How about ‘Ben dies’?” Kevin suggested.

“No…No…” Agent said, “That’s a recurring joke for this season, we don’t want to blow it early.”

“Okay,” Kevin said.

“Well the show is going to start soon,” Falco said.

“We need a name though,” Agent protested.

“How about the Revelation?” Kevin said.

“No that’s too spoilerous…” Agent said.

“But we aren’t revealing anything in this episode.” Kevin said.

“Good point,” Agent said.

“I’ve got it!” Falco said, typing the new name of the episode into the computer.

TDWF 3: Caveat Emptor

“What?!!” Agent said, “I don’t speak Chinese!”

“It’s Latin,” Falco said.

“Close enough,” Agent said.

The other three commentators came up the stairs. Will assumed his favorite seat, “Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen!” he said allowed, “And welcome to the third shocking episode of the TDWF! REVELATION!”

“I wonder if he realizes we changed the name to ‘Caveat Emptor’…” Agent said.

“What?” Will said, looking away from the microphone.

“Nothing…” Agent said, “Carry on! Allons-y!”

“Right! Enough with the meta-references!” Will said, “On with the show! First match of the day!”

“We haven’t even made one page of script yet though!” Ben complained.

“So exaggerate a bit, we’ll make it,” Jesse said.

“Okay…” Ben said, “Where can we exaggerate upon?”

“From now on Agent is referring to himself in third person!” Agent proclaimed.

“Well then this makes it very difficult to type about, Falco said,” Falco said.

“True, Agent replied,” Agent replied.

“Okay! It’s getting old! Will shouted!” Jesse shouted.

“No…No…Your doing it wrong,” Agent said.

“Oh…Sorry,” Jesse said, “But the fact remains!”

“Right!” Falco said.

“So we’ll sing a song!” Kevin said.

“NNNNNOOOO!” Falco shouted, waving his hands.

“I love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy poofs! If we didn’t have cheesy poofs we’d be lame!” Ben sang.

“No! No more singing!” Will protested, “Show must go on!”

“For those of you at home who wish to join along the choir lyrics will appear on your screen,” Kevin said.

“No!” Falco said, “Not this song!”

“Humph,” Agent said, “I didn’t want to be a commentator anyway… I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they fell down the mighty waters of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side we’d sing, sing, sing. I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay I sleep all night and I work all day!”

The choir repeated, “He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay! He sleeps all night and he works all day!”

“I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea!” Agent sang.

“He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch he goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea!” The choir sang, “He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day!”

“I cut down trees I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers!” Agent sang, with Falco grumbling in the background, “I put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars!”

“He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers.” The choir sang, “He puts on women’s clothing and hangs around in bars?! He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day!”

“I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra! I wish I’d been a girlie just like my dear Papa!” Agent sang.

“He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?! Suspenders….and a bra?! Oh shut up!” The choir sang, stomping away.

“I wish I’d been a girlie, just like my dear Papa!!” Agent sang.

“Oh Agent and I thought you were so rugged!” Ben said, also storming off.

“Get off me, ugh,” Agent said, shoving Ben away.

“Now that you’re done treading over copyrights can we get on with the show,” Will asked.

“First match!” Falco said.

G2K vs. Maguma

G2K bent over to peer into the water searching for his opponent. His tail waved lightly over the water. G2K looked deeper, and deeper. Suddenly a big brown blubbery blur, G2K’s eyes shifted as the monstrous blur streamed past before leaping out of the water towards G2K’s tail.

G2K shrieked as he spun around, his tail went flying the other way. Maguma went flying back into its element. G2K went flying down with his Walrusian opponent, G2K hollered but Maguma was ultimately far to fast. G2K’s spikes began to glow their trademark red. Maguma was forced to let go, but the damage was done, large teethmarks had left wounds on G2K’s tail.

Maguma quickly swam upward and grabbed a hold of G2K’s head. A bad move on the giant Walrus’ part. G2K shook his head violently until the Walrus was dislodged. G2K spun his head up towards Maguma. A violent pulse of nuclear fire shot from G2K’s mouth, knocking out Maguma instantly.

Winner G2K…

“Wow what an interesting, if not brief fight,” Kevin said.

“Yeah,” Agent remarked, “So what other songs can we sing?”

“No! No more singing,” Falco protested.

“Okay fine,” Agent said, “But we need something to do.”

Suddenly a rock came crashing through the window hitting Ben and killing him instantly. “Oh my god it killed Benny!” Falco shouted.

“You bastard!” Agent shouted.

“How can a rock be a bastard?” Kevin asked.

Agent shrugged, he picked up a piece of paper attached to the rock and read, “ ‘How Doth the Little Crocodile’, by Lewis Carroll.

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spread his claws
And welcome little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!”

Ben stood up, “Yeah!” he proclaimed, “I didn’t die this time!”

He stood up and did a victory dance to celebrate his lack of demise, only to have another rock fly through the window and hit him square on the forehead. It too had a piece of paper on it, Agent read it aloud, “Sorry wrong poem.

You have chosen to ignore SY
So you will now be brought down by force
You will all be made to die
And be done so without any, at all, remorse.”

“Another crudely written poem,” Falco remarked.

“So what happened to him?” Kevin asked, pointing to Ben.

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him,” Jesse said, “He’s dead!”

“No, no,” Kevin said, “He’s resting.”

“No, no…He’s passed on,” Jesse said, “Enough with the Monty Python references.”

“Yes, yes,” Will said, “It’s becoming more of a cliché than Ben dieing constantly.”

“Good point,” Kevin said.

“So what do you think it means is this SY guy going to destroy us?” Agent asked, slightly frightened.

“I doubt it,” Jesse said, “Nobody can hurt us here.”

“Never assume anything,” Falco said.

“I agree with Falco,” Will said, “We should get going with the next match.”

“Right,” Jesse said.

Ebirah vs. Angilas

Ebirah hauled itself on to the land and shrieked a challenge to its spiky opponent. Angilas materlized itself from the forest and bellowed in response. Ebirah bashed its claws together and proceeded to crawl forward. Angilas charged forward, before flipping up into the air and rolling itself into a ball.

Ebirah ducked down but as Angilas roared overhead he quickly shot up, getting spikes jammed into his exoskeleton but sending Angilas rearing for the cliffs behind the Ebirah. Ebirah spun around as Angilas crashed into rocks, as debris toppled over causing….

“Hold it!” Kevin shouted, as a piece of paper printed from his computer console.

It had a red ‘X’ on it, “Okay the test results are back, and it isn’t good,” Kevin said.

“What is it?” Falco asked.

“Don’t tell me!” Agent said, “You’re pregnant!”

“No!” Kevin said, “These are drug screening.”

“Ssooo,” Agent said.

“Ebirah has just tested positive for three illegal steroids,” Kevin said, “I’m afraid he will have to be suspended for the remainder of the season.”

“Ah man,” Falco said, “I had money on that lobster.”

“Ha! You owe me five bucks!” Agent pointed out.

Winner through disqualification: Angilas.

“What an interesting round,” Will said.

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “Dang drugees.”

“So Falco,” Jesse said, “What’s our educational bit for today?”

“Our educational portion is this,” Falco said, “Observe. Number one.”

Agent didn’t move but then Falco prodded him with a pencil, “Ow!” Agent shouted, before running away and screaming. Falco caught him, “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force.”

“How are you going to do number two?” Kevin asked.

“I don’t remember number two!” Falco said, “So number three! And my favorite!”
He moved his leg towards Agent, “For every action,” he kicked Agent in the groin, “There is an equal and opposite reaction!”

Agent went hoping away, “Ow! Ow! My family jewels! Ow!” he said.

“Thank you Falco,” Jesse said, “Now kids, any questions? …….None good…”

Meanwhile onboard a spaceship cloaked and in orbit around the Earth…

“Those stupid ignorant fools,” Dark Lord SY said, “They will soon all see.”

“You wanted to see me sir?” another voice said.

“Yes my friend,” Dark Lord SY said, “I need you to infiltrate the TDWF for me. Our past mole has failed…Don’t you fail me Fluffy Univac, you are my best operative…Don’t fail me or else it will be your head.”

“Yes sir,” the other voice said.

Back in the TDWF Tower….

“That was abrupt,” Kevin said.

Agent hobbled back, still in pain, “I thought we were saving that till the end,” he said.

“Just shut up about the previews already,” Will said, “Let the audience figure it without your own speculating.”

“Right,” Kevin and Agent said.

“So last match of the day time,” Will asked, “Or do you two lummoxes want to continue procrastinating?”

“We’ll procrastinate some more,” Agent said.

“Okay, while you two do that we’re going to wrap up the episode,” Jesse said.

G2K vs. Angilas

G2K immediately rose from the water and charged for the mainland, Angilas bellowed but barley got the chance to react. Angilas tried to move out of the way but G2K had already stomped upon his head.

Angilas shrieked but rolled out of the way, knocking over G2K in the process. With his opponent down Angilas ran up to G2K and proceed to stomp G2K, hit him with spikes and gnaw on his opponents arms. G2K tried to get up but Angilas’ weight was far too much for him to handle.

1…2…

No G2K’s body warmed up as a nuclear ray fired straight off into Angilas’ face. Angilas jumped off, just evading the deadly beam, but his feet were still singed. Angilas bellowed as his feet were burning. But as G2K stood up Angilas rolled into a ball and launched himself for G2K’s face.

G2K growled as he fired his heat ray. Angilas kept on coming towards him as his scales burnt with heat. G2K had no choice but to duck as the burning mass of flying dinosaur spike ball came flying towards him. G2K quickly stood up behind Angilas who continued to fly past him. G2K fired his heat ray but ran with it, as it caught up to Angilas; G2K finally let the heat ray go out.

G2K leapt up on to Angilas who was now steaming and smoking from the heat. G2K landed on top of him. The pain of the spikes and the heat was unbearable, but his red heat ray did the trick. G2K held down Angilas.

1…2…3 G2K wins!

“That’s another five bucks you owe me Falco,” Agent said.

“What are you talking about? I’m the one who bet on G2K!” Falco said.

“Oh yeah,” Agent said.

“This is why we don’t gamble kids,” Jesse said.

“Well that’s all we have for you tonight,” Will said, “So good night, brush your teeth, don’t do drugs, and buckle your seatbelt! Good night!”

“Wait!” Agent said, “I think that we should end in song!”

“No!” Jesse and Falco shouted.

“Cheerio Jesse!” Agent said.

“Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things can just make you swear and curse,
When you’re chewing life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble,
Give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best.
And…”

“Oh no…” Jesse said.

“I love this song!” Falco said.

“Always look on the bright side of life,” Kevin and Will sang, they then whistled, “Always look on the light side of life.”
“If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps,
Don’t be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That’s the thing.
And…”

And everyone, spare Jesse, chimed in,
“Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the light side of life.”

“For life is quiet absurd
And death’s the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It’s your last chance, anyhow.
So…”

“Always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath.”

“Life’s a piece of ‘expletive we cannot mention and cable television’
When you look at it.
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show.
Keep ‘em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the laugh is on you.
And…”

“Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the light side of life
Always look on the bright side of life.”

The quartet whistled.
“Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the bright side of life!”

The End

TDWF Episode 2

2008-01-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

TDWF Episode II: Omega Theorem

>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42
>: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42 >: 4 8 15 16 23 42

“Agent what the heck are you doing?!!” Falco said, staring at his comrade punching in the numbers over and over again.

“Putting in the numbers every one hundred and eight minutes so the world doesn’t end!” Agent said.

“Well it won’t if you don’t punch those numbers into the computer, so don’t,” Falco said, “Besides it pointless, don’t waste your time.”

“Don’t ever tell me what I can’t do!” Agent said.

“Right,” Falco said, rolling his eyes.

Ben suddenly awoke from his sleep next to Agent, he sighed, “What? What happened?!”

“Nothing, go back to sleep,” Agent said.

“Oh okay,” Ben said.

Will, Jesse, and Kevin ascended the stairs. “Right time to get the show on the road!” Will said.

“My leg is asleep,” Ben said.

“Shush,” Jesse said.

“Hey Ben,” Kevin said, “I beat your high score in Black and White II!”

“You what?!!” Ben said, preparing to rush down to the video game console.

Jesse snagged his collar, “Oh no you don’t. We have a show to run.”

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” Will said.

“I wonder if he realizes it’s the morning,” Agent whispered.

Kevin shrugged, “What?” Will asked.

“Nothing, continue,” Agent said.

“And now it’s TDWF time!” Will said.

“Party!” Kevin said.

“No more drinking for you,” Will said.

“I’ve never taken anything to drink,” Kevin said.

“I’m sure you have,” Will said, “Alright first match up of the day.”

“Already? I want pancakes!” Agent said.

Jesse sighed and rolled his eyes, “No pancakes.”

“Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!” Kevin, Ben, and Agent all chanted.

“Then go make some,” Jesse said.

“Woohoo!” Kevin, Ben, and Agent shouted.

“Kevin go make some!” Agent said.

“Why me??!” Kevin said.

“Because Ben did it last time and you will respect my authority!” Agent said.

“Will I die?” Kevin asked.

“No, you are a plot character,” Agent said.

“Ah okay,” Kevin said, walking down the stairs.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” Agent said, following Kevin downstairs.

“Thank you for announcing that,” Jesse said.

“And now for the first match of the day!!”

“Alloyns-y!” Ben said.

“Shut up Ben,” Jesse said.

Battra vs. Hedorah

Battra swooped down firing his prism beams at no particular target, as if to simply to probe to see if there was anything below there, which there was not. Battra ascended to the tops of the sky. But that was where Hedorah had laid for him all along. Assimilating itself into it’s humanoid form Hedorah slammed it’s full body weight down upon the giant moth.

Battra was hopelessly overcome and fell; till finally he managed to retain his flight and slip under Hedorah. Still the toxic sludge was far to much and Battra could not maintain flight for long as Hedorah fired it’s crimson eye ray at the winged foe.

Battra was rendered helpless as he fell down into the depths. But the water released the murky oily grip the sludge on him. Battra rose as Hedorah continued to descend. Battra fired his prism rays as sludge went flying off. Hedorah fell to the ground, stunned and in liquid form.

But he assembled himself and fired his crimson ray, Battra dodged it with relative ease. Battra swooped down and fired his prism beams but Hedorah blasted the big bug with an acid spray. Battra was flying as blind as a bat down as the acid bit deeper into his hide.

……… ………… ……….. ……..

“What the?!!” Jesse shouted.

“The power’s gone out!” Falco exclaimed.

“But we can still see out the window,” Will pointed out.

“Oh yeah,” Jesse said.

Finally Battra went crashing into a mountain, where he was crushed and dirt clogged his wounds. Causing total pain but a total KO as well.

Winner Hedorah…

“Woo another bloody and sludgy battle!” Ben said.

“Ben, make yourself useful and go check on the power,” Jesse said.

“Righto!” Ben said, running downstairs, and tripping in the process.

Jesse rolled his eyes. Suddenly a scream came from somewhere within the TDWF Tower. “What now,” Falco said.

“The power went out and I’m stuck in the bathroom! I can’t see my way out!” Agent complained.

“Just stay put…” Jesse said, “And make sure you wash your hands!”

Jesse and Will went down to check on Ben. “Ben you don’t make a full connection with your hands,” Jesse said.

“Why not?” Ben asked, holding two active power cords.

“Do I really have to tell you?” Jesse asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No! No don’t,” Falco exclaimed.

Ben put the two power cords together, he shook violently for a while as his skeleton flashed and he foamed at the mouth. “Oh my god,” Jesse said, “it…it killed Benny.”

“Bastard,” Will muttered.

Falco looked around, “These wires were intentionally cut…More evidence for my sabotage theory.”

Falco continued to look around, he found a note with incredibly neat handwriting. He read it aloud, “Give me all the monsters or forfeit your lives. Disobey me and you will suffer the consequences and face the knives. Fear me now for my name haunts many, my name is SY.”

“What a poorly written poem,” Jesse noted, “Still you loose one idiot another one will pop up to take his place.”

“So he killed Benny,” Falco said.

“The bastard,” Kevin said, rushing down, pancake batter all over his hands.

“Do you even know how to cook pancakes?!!” Will asked Kevin.

“No,” Kevin replied.

“Then let me help you, I’m the best cook here,” Will replied.

Will and Kevin went back up to the kitchen will Jesse and Falco both went to the commentator’s booth. Agent followed, he then showed his hands to Jesse, who acknowledged them as the power flickered back to life.

“Next r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rrrrrrooouunnnddd!” Agent said.

“Agent, don’t you ever try to roll your R’s again,” Falco said.

Godzilla vs. Gezora

As the cold night time breeze settled in the waves lapped against the sandy beach. Godzilla rose as from somewhere underneath him a tentacle immediately grabbed him. Gezora’s red glowing eyes surfaced for a second.

Godzilla shrieked as he was pulled under. Beneath the blue sea the battle continued. The giant squid grappled with the giant dinosaur. Elements clashed as Godzilla’s flame ray met with Gezora’s frost ray.

A large explosion transpired as the water around the frost ray froze, whereas the water around the flame ray steamed. This gave Gezora an idea. Gezora quickly departed, catching one of his tentacles a flame but quickly escaping.

Gezora fired his flame ray again, first on Godzilla’s spines then around the body as the nautical being orbited it’s saurian adversary.

“Agent will you PLEASE turn off the DoctorWho soundtrack?” Jesse shouted, “I’m sick to death of the Cyberman theme song!”

“Fine,” Agent said, shutting off the radio.

Gezora circled his frozen ice cubed foe, snickering. However as Godzilla fell his eyes slowly followed shifting within his frozen tomb. Finally his spikes began to glow, faintly at first but they quickly fired up melting the ice. The force of this heat wave struck out stunning Gezora. Godzilla swam at full speed and head-butted Gezora.

Gezora went spiraling out of the water and was accompanied in a few seconds by a heat ray which sent him more skyward. Gezora landed on the beach, knocked out…And there was free Calamari for everyone.

Winner Godzilla…

“Speaking of calamari how’s the pancakes coming?” Agent asked.

“How should I know?” Jesse responded.

Agent shrugged, “I don’t really like pancakes I just like the Calamari Maple Syrup,” he remarked.

“Did you know Calamari means ‘Scribe’ in Italian?” Falco noted.

“No…Nor do I see that’s at all relevant,” Jesse said.

“Yeah but if we sneak that little bit of education to appeal to kids it will make our ratings skyrocket!” Falco said.

“Oh yeah,” Jesse said, “I hadn’t ever thought of that.”

“I have an idea!” Agent proclaimed.

“Okay let’s hear it super genius,” Jesse said.

“How about we devote a section of the show to have two guys dress up in kaiju suits made out of rubber and fight it out?!!” Agent said.

“Agent….You are such an idiot…Just keep your ideas to yourself,” Falco said, shaking his head.

“Pancakes!” Kevin shouted.

“WOOT!” Agent shouted, running to grab the pancakes.

Will brought up the syrup, amongst other toppings. “Woohoo squid in syrup yes!” Agent said.

“Did you remember to feed Agent this morning?” Jesse whispered to Falco.

“No, I thought you were going too,” Falco whispered back.

“Oh…Whoops…” Jesse said, happy that he too was getting food.

“Last round,” Kevin said, slamming the ‘round button’ a horn blared.

Godzilla vs. Hedorah

Godzilla shot up from the water like a canon ball, in reverse anyway. Hedorah swooped down and took Godzilla into the sky before he could even see the sludge coming towards him. Godzilla pummeled the flying sludge in hopes it would let go. But it would not.

The ascent continued until Godzilla fired his heat ray, finally the force from the blast sent him reeling downward. Hedorah was dazed for a few seconds before shaking his head out. Hedorah followed his falling prey firing acid at Godzilla. Godzilla tried to fire his heat ray but, as the acid dug in, he struck the ground.

Godzilla struggled to get up, his back hurt and acid was digging in deep. Hedorah landed and proceeded to envelop Godzilla.

1….2…

No in the last second as his head was overcome with sludge Godzilla fired his heat ray! Hedorah’s back ruptured! Godzilla squirmed out through the hole in his sludgy opponent as it began to close in. Godzilla barely escaped. He held Hedorah down and slammed the polluted monster’s head into the ground.

1…2…

“Hey…What number comes after two?” Agent asked.

“Three,” Falco responded, wanting the match to end already.

“Right,” Agent said.

1….2…3!!! GODZILLA WINS!!!

“Turn off the freaking Cyberman theme!” Jesse snapped at Agent.

“Okay…Fine,” Agent said, shutting off the radio, “I like this part!”

“Thank you,” Jesse said.

“Agent we really need to listen to real music,” Falco said.

“Yeah,” Will said.

“Yup,” Kevin chimed in.

“Fine…Well screw you guys; I’m going home,” Agent said, turning out of his spinney office chair and heading downstairs.

“I wonder if he realizes we live here too,” Falco asked.

“And so ends another day of TDWF,” Will said, “On behalf of all of us here it’s Will saying good night, ‘good night!”

“And now for your weekly foreshadowing of the season finale,” Kevin said.

“Shut up Kevin,” Jesse said.

“Bye!” Falco said.

Meanwhile…In orbit above the Earth a cloaked ship waited for its moment to strike.

“Fools, they are all fools to think they can survive and deny my threats and treat me as a fool, well I shall show them,” the sinister creature said, tapping a few buttons

“Soon my children this world will bow before my might just as the others have,” the sinister creature said, turning around.

“Hail SY! Hail SY! Hail SY! Hail SY!” They chanted before their Lord, “His might crushes the wicked!”

The sinister creature grinned and turned his attention back to the Earth… “Prepare the Armada,” he said, “Initiate operation Omega Theorem.”

THE END

TDWF Episode 1

2008-01-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

Not to long ago, around a few months, in the United States of America….Somewhere off the coast of Hawaii….

Trans-Dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation!!

Episode I: Cryptozoic Wars

Having invested all their money acquired through game shows, jobs, and other means.
Six Young Men, although one of them is in fact a robot, open up a society to help kaiju what they do best: fight.

They have titled it TDWF: Trans-Dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation.
Due to it’s accepting kaiju from everywhere. And now here begins their first epic adventure. Which is probably just as poorly written as this introduction…..

“Cryptozoic Wars?” Jesse said, he then repeated, “Cryptozoic wars??! What kind of a name is that?!!”

“I thought of it myself…Good isn’t it?” Agent said.

“No,” Jesse said.

“People please we have work to do,” Will said.

“Right, right!” Agent said.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen!” Will said, into the microphone, “And now!”

“It’s!” Ben interrupted.

“Oh no,” Will whispered,

Agent hit a few random cords on the synthesizer. “Monty Python’s flying…” Will said, “Wait…Dang it that isn’t right!”

“Trans-Dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation!” Falco said.

“Right! Trans-Dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation!” Will said.

Kevin hit a record and the ‘Liberty Bell March’ started to play; before Falco took it off and threw it out the window.

“I wonder if he realizes we’re the only ones on this island?” Agent whispered to Kevin.

“What?” Will said, spinning around.

“Oh, nothing,” Agent said.

“Right, thank you Will,” Jesse said, joining him, “Let’s get to introducing ourselves!”

“I am Jesse, that is what they call me and I am the commentator,” Jesse said.

“All around mean guy,” Ben interrupted.

Jesse glared at him and then continued, “And lead Doctor…”
“Doctor Who?” Kevin whispered.

Agent shrugged before taking the mike, “Hi, I am the Master of everything you see before you and you will all bow before me and pay me homage; thank you.”

“Shut up dummy and really introduce yourself!” Jesse said, pushing the mike back at Agent.

“Okay scratch that…I am Agent I am the manager around here and I am also a commentator….But aren’t we all?” Agent said, he handed the mike to Falco.

“I’m Falco I am the chief of security and….well that’s about it,” he handed the mike to Ben.

“I’m Ben I’m a robot and I am the computer expert,” he said, he handed the mike to Kevin.

“You don’t admit that stuff!” Kevin said, “Anyway…I’m Kevin, I am a scientist to study Kaiju behaviors…”

He handed the mike to Will, “And I am will…Head commentator and architect!”

“Anyways, so let’s get the first fight out of the way…” Kevin said.

“Alloyns-y!” Agent said.

Yonggary vs. KingGhidorah

Yonggary rose from the ocean depths and walked across the sandy beach. He looked around, with each step the four hundred foot giant took the sand would shiver and retreat. He roared a challenge to the three headed space hydra who was nowhere to be seen.

It was then he heard it; a slight chuckle from within the cloud bank. Yonggary looked around scanning the heavens for the beast from Hell. Another chuckle, this time from behind, Yonggary spun around, still nothing.

Suddenly from behind him three lightening bolts shot out hitting Yonggary’s tail. The alien dinosaur squawked with surprise! Yonggary twirled around his massive tail toppling a small hill and a section of the nearby forest.

A fireball was spat from Yonggary’s mouth it lightened the forest before flying out of sight. And that’s when he was hit…KingGhidorah came crashing down on to Yonggary’s shoulders knocking over the alien dinosaur. Yonggary rolled over out from under the legs and then grabbed on to one of KingGhidorah’s tails.

He picked up KingGhidorah and spun him around; and around, and around, and around, and around….And around….And around. Until finally KingGhidorah was on the verge of reliving his breakfast, the most important meal of the day, he shouldn’t have been eating McDonald’s anyway….Yonggary let go of KingGhidorah and sent him spiraling into a mountain which collapsed like a meteor had just struck it. KingGhidorah was buried underneath…

1….2…3 Winner by landslide Yonggary!!!!

“Well that was interesting enough,” Will said.

“Yes, I’d like extra garlic, peanut butter, and anchovies!” Agent said.

“Agent what the heck are you doing?!!” Jesse said.

“I’m on the phone!” Agent said, signaling them to shush.

Agent continued to talk on the phone, “Yes extra large pizza…Mm-hm…Okay…”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Guys, what’s our address?” Agent said.

“We’re on a deserted Island 251 miles south of Kawai,” Kevin said.

“Okay,” Agent said, “We’re on an island 251 miles south of Kawai…Mm-hm…Yeah….What do you mean you don’t deliver that far out?!!”

Will stared at Jesse, who stared at Falco, who stared at Kevin, who shrugged. All eyes turned to Ben… “Yeah, we’ll send someone over to pick it up,” Agent said, “Mm-mm bye-bye.”

“Why is everyone staring at me?” Ben asked, a bit afraid.

“Go get the pizza,” Agent said.

“Why me?” Ben said.

“Because you’re the redshirt!” Falco said.

“Oh…” Ben said, heading down the stairway.

“He’s a redshirt?” Kevin whispered.

“Well yeah…” Agent whispered back, “I drew names from a hat…”

“Oh….” Kevin said.

The five watched Ben leave the TDWF tower and hop on to a plane to go out and pick up the pizza. “Now next match,” Will said, twirling his fingers.

“Alloyns-y!” Agent said.

Gigan vs. Kamacurus

Gigan dropped down landing with both clawed feet on the ground. Kamacurus was more shy; preferring to hide within the shadows. Gigan fired his laser, which appeared from his eye. The trees concealing Kamacurus were instantly blown skyward.

Kamacurus was dizzy from the light show, but was not deterred. Kamacurus lunged immediately for Gigan’s metallic head. But it was not quick enough four shuriken stars immediately flew from Gigan’s chest and swerved towards Kamacurus. The insect kaiju was then cut into three neat little pieces. The shuriken stars then returned to Gigan’s chest, and were prepared to fire again if necessary.

Kamacurus’ top section which had his sharp claws, his head, his chest, and his neck crawled towards Gigan. Gigan’s clawed left foot came down and stomped Kamacurus’ head into the ground.

1….2…3 Winner is Gigan…Through gruesome mutilation, but perfectly legal, techniques…

“Pizza’s here,” Agent said, looking out the window.

Ben got out of the plane after everyone came to get the pizza as they were starving. When Ben was about fifteen feet away from the plane it suddenly exploded! KABOOM! Ben was incinerated and died in a second after ward, debris embedding themselves deep within his burnt being.

“Oh my god you killed Benny!” Kevin said.

“You bastard!” Agent said, he then looked down, “Oh phew…Pizza’s okay… Let’s eat…”

“Yeah…Let’s…” Will said, snatching the pizza.

“Wait…Wait…” Falco said, “Arson… Smell it?”

A choir of ‘No’s’ came from the group, “We’ve been sabotaged! Someone was trying to kill us!” Falco said, “They’ve already killed one of us!”
“Falco…Ben was a stock character…” Agent said, “Let’s just eat the pizza… and watch more violence that you so advocate.”

“Hey!” Falco said, but then he shrugged and followed his fellow commentators back into the tower.

“Yeah…” Will said, “And stop the meta-references Agent, this is as confusing a pilot episode enough as it is…”

“Next round…WITH PIZZA!” Kevin said.

“Alloyns-y!” Agent said.

“Will you please stop saying that,” Jesse said, rolling his eyes.

“No!” Agent said.

Gigan vs. Yonggary

Yonggary stood on the edge of the beach, waves crashing against his heals, and he snarled and glared into the ruby light that stood before him in the forest. Gigan cackled at the face of his opponent.

Yonggary charged forward trampling anything beneath him towards Gigan. Gigan moved to the side and slashed down both scythe-like hands. They bounced off of Yonggary’s tough scaly hide but made the alien dinosaur bleed.

Yonggary turned around, knocking Gigan into the air with his tail. Gigan screamed as he went up into the air, not on his own power. Gigan turned his head downward and fired a laser beam. Yonggary responded by spitting a massive fireball towards Gigan. The fireball engulfed the laser and continued on towards Gigan. Gigan continued to fly, only to fall down into the ocean…Out of the arena…

Yonggary wins!

“Alright that’s all we have time for tonight ladies and gents,” Will said.

“Wait that’s it?!!” Agent said.

“That’s it…” Will said.

“I thought pilots were supposed to be longer!” Kevin said.

“Or shorter…” Jesse said, “Besides this is all our budget can afford us right now…”

“Ah…Okay…” Kevin said.

“So wishing you all good night! Good night!” Falco said.

The End