TDWF Episode 8

TDWF VIII: Antebellum

“Agent why do you use such weird names,” Ben asked.

“Because if you spoke Latin, you’d notice it was foreshadowing,” Agent said.

“Latin??! I thought it was Chinese!” Ben said.

“Anyway,” Jesse said.

“And now for something completely different,” Falco said.

“It’s!” Kevin said.

“TDWF Episode 8!” Will said, “An…An…How do you pronounce that?”

“I don’t know I got it off of wikipedia,” Agent said.

“Ugh,” Will said.

“Oh by the way,” Jesse said, “I have a surprise for you lot…Follow me.”
Jesse hopped happily down the stairs; the other commentators were confused given Jesse’s normal grumpy attitude. Down five flights of stairs; past the barracks, past the food court, and some storage rooms. Finally past the Medical Center, to a Laboratory.

Jesse punched in the code, which he typed in so rapidly not one number was recognized. Then when the hand was removed it could be noted that they were in fact letters. The door slid open, the two metallic doors each three inches thick, went into the side slots.

Inside was a small ship, “I give you the Locust 2000!” Jesse proclaimed, as he flashed a spotlight down upon it.

“Locust?” Agent asked, “Couldn’t you think up a better name?”
“LOCUST: Laser Opted Cross-Universal/Stellar Transverser!” Jesse said.

“Is Transverser even a word?” Kevin asked.

“So what does it do?” Agent asked.

“It fires a laser beam to track the Psionic Emissions that have been plaguing us,” Jesse said, “It then locks on to the signal and tracks it Across the Universe.”
“Really?” Ben said, tapping the shiny platinum surface.

“Don’t touch it,” Jesse said, slapping Ben’s hand.

Ben scowled, “So this thing takes us to all those signals?” Will asked.

“Yes it does,” Jesse said.

Ben crept into the cockpit and fired up the controls, “Ben…” Kevin said, pointing behind Jesse.

Jesse spun around, “Ben no!” He shouted, trying to stop the machine, but it was too late.

The whole of TDWF Tower began to shake as the LOCUST shot forward into a crude pinkish portal. In the ten seconds it took to transpire Ben was gone, and there was nothing anyone could do. “Oh my god you killed Benny!” Agent shouted, shaking a fist at Jesse.

“You bastard!” Kevin said.

“I had nothing to do with it!” Jesse said, “That blooming Kiwi did it on his own!”

“Yeah, we know,” Agent said, “We just had to say that.”

Jesse nodded and shook his head, “Let’s get going,” he said, gesturing to go back upstairs.

A few minutes later after walking up the flights of stairs, the group settled down into the commentator’s booth, that they noted they needed to clean. “Today, October Ninth, we honor John Lennon and indeed all of the Beatles, but Lennon because his Birthday fits into the production schedule,” Agent said.

“Hear-hear,” Falco said.

“So we will be playing Beatles music in the background and not Flogging Molly,” Will said.

“I bet you did that just to justify you’re not my playing music,” Kevin said.

“Now why would we do that?” Agent asked, grinning.

“But yes, we respect your peaceful ways Beatles,” Falco said, “And the hope that your songs, predominantly, give us.”

“Boy is that ironic coming from your mouth,” Agent said.

“Look I’m just stating a fact,” Falco said.

Agent shrugged, Will opened a soda, and Kevin twirled his fingers, “Okay,” he said, “That’s two pages, we should be able to start the first battle.”

The other commentators nodded and the first battle was soon underway.

Gamera vs. The Black Scorpion

Gamera quietly landed in the arena, while his arachnid opponent scuttled in front of him. Gamera roared, but the Scorpion simply chirped, drool flowing from its mouth.

“I am the Walrus,” Agent sang, “Coocookachu!”

“Shut up Agent!” Jesse snapped.

“Fine,” Agent said.

Gamera trudged forward, kicking up dirt and trees with every step. Gamera roared, although with his rather high voice it came out more like a war-scream. The Scorpion wasn’t particularly fast, but his reactions were lightening. Gamera slammed his fists down on to The Scorpion’s head, but the pinchers immediately locked on to Gamera. Gamera looked down in confusion, only to see the stinger come flying up towards his neck.

Gamera screeched as his throat was cut, green blood spilled everywhere. Gamera tried to screeched put it hurt too much. The Scorpion pulled his stinger out, and released Gamera, who fell over. The Scorpion scuffled atop Gamera; the giant turtle struggled to escape.

But the Scorpion held the turtle down, not unlike a turtle on his back Gamera struggled to escape, but the pain was too great. The Scorpion prepared to strike again, but Gamera’s rocket feet shot off. Instantly he and the Scorpion were going skyward.

The Scorpion screeched, Gamera fired a mana ray, and the Scorpion fell off. Gamera’s rockets stopped sense too much energy had already been lost. As the Scorpion fell to the ground, it managed to land on all six legs.

It positioned its stinger directly beneath Gamera. But it was futile, as while Gamera was indeed impaled again he crushed the entire Scorpion.

1…2…3!!! Gamera wins!!!

“Did you know that in some countries they eat scorpions?” Agent asked.

“Yeah,” Falco said, “Don’t you dare trick me into eating one again.”
“Relax,” Agent said, “I wasn’t going to trick you.”
“Or me for that matter,” Jesse said.

“Or me,” Kevin said.

“What they said,” Will said.

“You people are no fun,” Agent said, “Scorpions aren’t half-bad! So long as you remove the stinger and properly cook the arachnid.”

“But it’s weird and a cultural taboo not to eat them,” Jesse said.

“Taboos shmaboos,” Agent said.

“Oh ‘Here Comes the Sun’!” Falco said, “I love this song.”

“Anyway, we should stop disturbing our younger viewers,” Jesse said.

“Yeah,” Will said, “Scorpions may be healthy but if we’re going to talk about them we should at least tell them how to properly kill and cook them. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Falco said, he then nudged Agent.

“What??!” Agent said, “Oh yeah, agreed. Well first…”
Jesse put his hand over Agent’s mouth, “Discussion’s over,” Jesse said, “We need to figure out a way to get Ben back.”

“Aren’t we all just Mean Mr. Mustards today?” Agent muttered.

“Right,” Kevin said, “But I think we need to get on with the next fight, otherwise we’ll run out of pages.”

“Agreed,” Agent said.

The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh vs. DeathGhidorah

TLLBBA snarled as it entered the arena, its 23 eyes studying the arena for DeathGhidorah. TLLBBA’s air blew softly in the wind, as it studied its surroundings. It questioned weather it was the only animated monster in the Tournament.

Suddenly a shadow fell onto The Beast, it looked up, and DeathGhidorah was spewing fire all over as she flew. TLLBBA cowered in fear and ran away, it could easily outrun DeathGhidorah.

“Man,” Kevin abruptly interrupted, “Everyone’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey.”
“Good for you,” Jesse said, he then added, “And your monkey.”
DeathGhidorah landed and snarled at TLLBBA, all three heads bobbling. TLLBBA was slightly confused by the creature’s bizarre appearance, equally DeathGhidorah was confused by TLLBBA’s appearance. But TLLBBA had seen odd things like an Octopus’s Garden, Something, Glass Onion, and Honey pie. But DeathGhidorah was nothing like that and TLLBBA charged with bullhorns facing directly towards DeathGhidorah’s necks.

Before DeathGhidorah knew what had transpired she was pinned up against the mountain. DeathGhidorah struggled to escape, but to no avail, but TLLBBA couldn’t do all that much. DeathGhidorah tried to kick with her front legs, but it still didn’t work.

DeathGhidorah’s tail finally slapped TLLBBA away, unfortunately DeathGhidorah went with, but she escaped. DeathGhidorah immediately pinned her foe down, pressing all her mighty weight onto the abomination of a kaiju.

TLLBBA knew he was not much of a fighter, and simply surrendered….

DeathGhidorah wins!!!

“Yeah!” Falco said, “Agent you owe me five bucks!”
“Right now, I’d like to be under the sea,” Agent said, “In an Octopus’ Garden in the shade.”

“This a good song alright,” Falco said.

“Beatlemaniacs,” Jesse muttered.

Suddenly a loud rumbling sound was heard as the whole of TDWF Tower shook violently, causing Will to spill his coffee and Kevin to awake from his nap. “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da! What the blazes is going on?!!” Will said, “Hey that’s my new exclamation!”

“It’s coming from the tech room!” Jesse said, rushing down stairs the other four commentators with him.

As they came downstairs the heat began to rapidly swell, yet internally it felt as if it were freezing. An odd oozing, smooth, and rough paradoxical feel to the whole thing. As the commentators held their hands on the railing a surge of static electricity came through, making Kevin’s hair stand on end. But it didn’t faze them and they continued to come down, despite the thunderous rumbling, and the sheets of paper that were being blown about.

Down in the laboratory there was nothing really happening, but the vibrations were so intense that the tiles had nearly begun to melt. Kevin, Falco, Jesse and Will began to notice that the rubber bottoms of their shoes were beginning to melt; Agent looked down to realize he was not in fact wearing shoes, his socks caught a blaze. “Ow!” Agent shouted, “Hot-hot-hot!”

Agent ripped off his socks and threw them on the ground. Then he heard it, and indeed all the commentators did, it was like a train advancing but at nearly 300 times the speed. As the laboratory nearly began to melt the LOCUST suddenly zoomed back into existence exiting from and unseen portal.

The commentators dove out of the way as the LOCUST smoked and steamed with energy, beads of metal slowly started to fall off, but hardened. Agent was the first to get back up, “Help!” He shouted, “I need somebody, Help! Not just anybody!”

Jesse rushed over, “I’m a Doctor! I’m a Doctor!” he shouted, shoving Agent aside.

Jesse smashed a hammer on the top of the LOCUST, it opened, inside was Ben very scared, bruised, and burnt. “Ben are you alright,” Jesse said, getting out his stethoscope, “I need to hold your hand buddy, pulse check.”

“Incidentally it’s ‘I want to hold your hand’,” Falco pointed out.
Ben nodded weakly and tried to lift his hand but he couldn’t. His pupils were different sizes and completely bloodshot. Will and Agent lifted Ben up and carried him, Ben threw up, and his eyes slowly started to close, though they couldn’t hold still and were jittering around erratically and in opposite directions. Ben looked up and grinned, “Don’t you see her?” he said, weakly.

“Who?” Agent asked, looking up.

“Lucy…” Ben said, “Lucy in the sky with diamonds.”

Ben passed out, while Agent and Will struggled to carry him up the stairs to the sickbay. Finally they made it and placed him gently on a bed. Jesse fitted him with life-support systems, “Ugh,” Will said, “Needle-phob, why does it have to be me?!!”

“Well Doctor,” Agent asked, “Is he going to be alright.”

“It’s hard to say,” Jesse said, “And don’t call me Doctor.”

“Let’s just finish off the last match and then see what we can extract from him,” Kevin said.

Will and Falco nodded, while Jesse and Agent stayed to look after Ben.


Gamera vs. DeathGhidorah

Gamera soared into the arena, DeathGhidorah had already positioned herself directly in front. The center head of DeathGhidorah stared down the one head of Gamera. Finally Gamera blinked and he fired three fireballs, DeathGhidorah was stunned by not defeated.

DeathGhidorah charged forward and took off, smacking front legs first into Gamera’s head. Gamera screeched as he fell over, but he knew this trick and took off instantly after DeathGhidorah.

DeathGhidorah roared as Gamera trailed her every move throughout the heavens. Gamera shot another fireball, but DeathGhidorah dodged it with ease. As the two soared over the ocean another fireball was shot, but DeathGhidorah dodged it.

DeathGhidorah turned her middle head completely around and shot a flame ray, Gamera dodged it. Finally Gamera shot four fireballs each at different directions, DeathGhidorah went into a barrel roll. But Gamera sped up and blinded her and crashed her into the water.

And there the TDWF satellites lost the battle for about five minutes… Before finally Gamera swam out, carrying a knocked out DeathGhidorah in his hands.

Gamera wins!!

“We need to get some underwater cameras,” Kevin said.

“Yeah,” Will said.

“Remember though,” Falco said, “We’re on a tight enough budget as it is.”

“So now that the show’s over how many Beatles Songs have we managed to reference Mr. Sgt. Pepper,” Kevin asked.

“Lemme see,” Falco said, “1..2…5…12!”
“Does the Birthday line really count?” Kevin said, “I remember reading that in the script and wondering.”
“Well it counts to me!!” Falco said.

“You know what?” Will said.

“What?” Kevin asked.

“I think I want to be a Paperback writer,” Will said, “Ever sense I grew up on Penny Lane I’ve wanted to be one.”
“14!” Falco shouted.

“Yes!” Will said.

“Man if the plot keeps up being this weird it’s going to go all Helter Skelter,” Kevin noted.

“15!” Falco shouted.

Back in the sickbay…

Ben’s heart stopped beating suddenly. Agent jumped, “Don’t die Ben!” he shouted, crying over the death of one of his friends.

Ben’s body stiffened as he succumbed to the effected of death. Agent cried as he pounded his fists onto Jesse. “You killed Benny, you bastard!” Agent said.

“Let it be,” Jesse said.

In the commentator’s booth…

“16!” Falco shouted.

Back in the sickbay….

“I know you didn’t do it,” Agent said, “I just can’t believe he died…”

“Dude he does it every episode and you haven’t cared then,” Jesse pointed out.

“Shut up,” Agent said.

Suddenly Ben’s heart beat back into existence, his skin regenerated and his wounds corroded away. Ben breathed in deeply and then exhaled but he was still in pain and his brain hurt. He fell back down onto the bed, after trying to get up. “He’s coming,” Ben whispered.

Agent and Jesse rushed to his side, “What?” Agent asked.

“The Caebannog system,” Ben whispered, “That’s where he came from…And now he’s coming here…for….for…S…s…”

“Who’s coming?” Jesse asked.

Ben slipped back into unconsciousness, Agent and Jesse stared at each other for a second. Suddenly Kevin’s voice came through on the intercom. “Guys,” he said, “You may want to come up here.”

“Why?” Jesse asked.

“Because,” Kevin said, “Our Satellite just detected a fleet of Five Dozen ships headed towards Earth, more specifically this Island…Better get that Yellow Submarine ready!”
“17!” Falco shouted.

Agent and Jesse exchanged worried look, and rapidly ran up to the Commentators’ booth.

To be continued…