TDWF 16

TDWF 16: Vacation before Escalation

It has been quiet a while since Ctògó invaded to place SY on trial for his crimes. Since then Agent has gotten a body all to himself, SY received the body of the insane celebrity David Tennant, and Señor Traitor Fluffy Univac is now in control of the TDWF’s computers.

A period of peace is in store for our valiant heroes. Finally with some R&R on their hands, the heroes can finally get down to business. However in the deepest regions of the Galaxy a spaceship has been activated, it’s Captain: an old nemesis, and its destination: The Earth.

“Where’s Agent?!!” Falco said.

“He’s off filming a spinoff movie,” Jesse said.

“Really?” Falco said.

“Yeah,” Jesse said.

“Lucky,” Falco said.

“Hey how come Agent gets his own spinoff movie?” Ben whined, “I want my own spinoff movie!”

“It’s cause we’re human isn’t it?” Kevin said.

“Probably,” Jesse said.

“In other news,” Will said, “David Tennant makes his directorial debut: in SY the movie staring Eric ‘Agent’ Augustine of TDWF fame.”

“Whose Eric?” Ben asked.

“Actually Tennant has directed an episode of Doctor Who: Confidential,” Ben said.

“His first director debut in a movie and with the mind of Dark Lord SY,” Will said.

“Quiet right,” Jesse said.

“Look the point is that SY and Agent are busy making a movie,” Falco said.

“Exactly,” Jesse said.

“So when is Agent getting back?” Kevin asked.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Jesse said.

“How can you say that he’s the chairman?!” Will asked.

“Actually I’m the chairman when Agent isn’t around, so technically I am,” Falco said.

“I say that because Agent attracts trouble like a bloody magnet,” Jesse said.

“I miss Agent,” Ben said.

“I thought we were like supposed have John Barrowman and Vin Diesel as guest stars,” Kevin said.

“Another episode maybe,” Will said.

“Should we start the first match?” Falco asked.

“We’re only two pages in,” Kevin said, “We never start this early.”

“Then what we can talk about?” Will asked.

“Who’d make a movie of this show?” Jesse asked.

“I would,” Falco said.

“Shut up,” Jesse snapped.

“I found a piece of shrapnel from Ctògó’s ship!” Ben said, holding up a piece of metal.

“Yes, yes that’s great and all,” Jesse said, shoving his hand in Ben’s face.

“I think we should remind the viewers at home who has made it to the Tournament of Champions thus far: Godzilla, SpaceGodzilla, and Legion I believe,” Will said.

Kevin looked through the list, “Yes, that is correct,” he said, “Now to figure out who the kaiju are for today.”“Does it matter?” Jesse asked.

“Yes, we don’t want to use the same kaiju over and over again,” Kevin said.

“I think we should do political commentary,” Will said.

“Uh…none of us know anything about politics,” Ben said.

“I do,” Will said.

“Give us your best then,” Jesse said.

“How about that Sarah Palin? Who’d elect an Alaskan? Who cares about that state nobody even knows where it is?! It’s somewhere down by Mexico and everyone always complains and whines about the heat, do we really need that? Blood Alaskans trying to infest the White House,” Will said.

“HEY!!!” Jesse, Falco, and Ben shouted.

“What’s wrong with Alaska?” Jesse asked, smacking Will upside the head.

“Wait,” Falco said, he turned to face Ben, “You’re not from Alaska! You’re a kiwi!”

“Yeah but Agent isn’t here so I’m filling in for him,” Ben said.

“Agent isn’t from Alaska; he’s from the Planet Cygnus IV!” Falco retorted, “He just says he’s from Alaska because he lived there for seven years before starting the TDWF.”

“And the first match of the day!” Will shouted.

Varan vs. Varan

“Wait…that can’t be right,” Kevin said.

“Then fix it, quickly!” Jesse said.

“I…I can’t find the kaiju roster!” Kevin said, fumbling through some files.

“Mach schnel, mach schnel du hessliche dumkopf!” Jesse said.

Kevin scrambled through the file cabinet, trying to find the match-ups for today’s show. “Um…ah…” Kevin said.

“Just run the trailer for Agent’s new movie,” Falco said.

“Why?” Will asked, “It’s already in theaters!”

“Ugh, this show is getting so disorganized,” Jesse said, “Let’s just jump the shark and get it over with.”

“A-ha!” Kevin proclaimed.

Varan vs. Godzalla*

“The asterisk refers to the fact that this is the Godzilla the Series Godzilla, rather than the abomination that was 1998’s Godzilla,” Kevin said.

“This term was coined on Godzilla Universe,” Ben said.

“The stories on the site intern inspired the TDWF,” Falco said.

“Right,” Jesse said.

“I thought it was the KWF that inspired the TDWF,” Will whispered.

“Shush,” Jesse said.

Varan rose out of the water and slowly walked on to the land, the little sand particles all quivering underneath his massive weight. The giant monitor lizard-dragon-porcupine-whatever-thing sniffed the air trying to find his opponent, but there was no scent.

“And the winner is Varan once again,” Varan said, raising his arms in victory and flying just slightly off the ground, Varan then impersonated a crowd cheering for him.

“Va-ran! Va-ran! Va-ran!” Varan cheered himself on.

“Turn that thing off,” Jesse snapped.

Ben shut off the Kaiju-telepathy enhancer device thingy, Varan suddenly went mute. “But I want to hear them!” Ben retorted.

“Fine,” Jesse said, “Keep it on, but it creeps people out sometimes to hear them thinking.”

“YEAH!” Varan shouted, throwing kisses at nonexistent fans.

Suddenly, a green flame ray shot up blasting Varan out of the air. Godzalla rose out of the water and roared triumphantly. But Varan would not be stopped so easily, the kaiju stood back up and slashed Godzalla with his tail spikes. But another flame ray came up blasting Varan in the face. Varan coughed some before falling over…

1…2…3!!! Godzalla wins!

“I’m bored!” Ben proclaimed.

“Hi Bored,” Jesse said, “My name is Jesse.”

“I just want to get to Season Five already,” Falco whined.

“Well we have to get through Season Four,” Will said.

“Yes, there are things in this Season’s story arc that are necessary in Season Five,” Jesse said.

“And in Season Six,” Kevin added.

“Shhhh,” Falco said.

Suddenly a loud beeping sound was heard, reverberating throughout TDWF Tower. “What is that?” Will asked, covering his ears.

“Yes I’d quiet like to know that as well,” Kevin said.

“That would be the Story Arc,” Jesse said.

“But what is it really?” Falco said.

Ben hit a button on the control console in front of him, “That is the LRDSR,” Ben said

“LRDSR?” Will asked, “That’s almost as bad an anagram as TDWF!”

“Acronym,” Falco corrected.

“Right, bad an acronym as TDWF,” Will said.

“Ewww…” Kevin repeated.

“Shut up!” Jesse said.

“Hey!” Kevin said, “At least I don’t look like an armadillo!”

“Hey!” Jesse said.

“Anyways….” Will said.

“LRDSR,” Ben said, “Long Range Deep Space Radar.”

“Why would we need that??” Falco said.

“In case some alien decides to try to blow us up this season,” Ben said, plugging the device in.

“Wait, didn’t we have this conversation already,” Will asked.

“Probably,” Falco said.

“Shows how lazy the writer has become,” Jesse said.

“So why is that thing beeping,” Falco asked.

“It’s beeping because it’s detected a spaceship headed for us,” Ben said.

“By any chance is it from NASA,” Will asked.

“Well yeah that’s always a possibility but I highly, I repeat, highly doubt that NASA would be in possession of a spaceship that is similar in structure to the one Shaw used to invade with in Season Two,” Ben said.

“But it is possible,” Will asked.

“Yes,” Ben said, “But like I said, I highly doubt it.”

“In that case,” Jesse said, “I suggest we disregard it, and move on with another plot to prove our ignorance.”

“I concur,” Falco said, “When is it due to reach orbit?”

“Episode Three,” Ben said, “This Season.”

“Oh boy,” Will said.

“Look,” Jesse said, “Let’s just get on with the next fight, hmmm? We can expound upon this story arc in the next episode.”

“Darn filler episodes,” Kevin muttered.

Gorosaurus vs. Oodako

Gorosaurus walked into the arena and announced his presence with a thunderous roar, which we will not translate, because we are generally lazy. The giant tyrannosaur studied the arena closely for his opponent, but the super-cephalopod was nowhere to be seen. Of course Gorosaurus had been scouring the land, as he was a land kaiju; his opponent however, was a sea kaiju.

Realizing this Gorosaurus peered into the nearby blue hole for his opponent, suddenly the giant octopus leapt forward, smashing shut the giant jaws of the savage dinosaur kaiju. Gorosaurus struggled to open his mouth but it was to no avail, as the giant cephalopod would not let go.

“What the?” Jesse said, squinting and looking out the window.

“Is that…” Will said.

“A cheeseburger?” Ben asked.

“No,” Jesse snapped.

“A beach ball?” Kevin suggested.

“No,” Falco said, “I see it too.”

“It’s a helicopter,” Will noted.

“Who’d drive out here?” Ben asked.

“You mean fly,” Falco said, “Well I can think of one person…”

“Please let it not be who I think it is,” Jesse said.

Gorosaurus suddenly threw Oodako upward with a thrust of his head, smashing into the helicopter. Its pilot fell to the ground with a noticeable thud. Gorosaurus took note of this but after he saw the pilot dust himself off and calmly walk to the tower. Gorosaurus then did a back flip kick and sent Oodako flying off the island, but the dinosaur was far from being over. Gorosaurus then stuck his tail out and sent Oodako back to him.

The dexterous dinosaur caught the mammoth mollusk in his mouth and crushed down, causing Oodako to spray ink everywhere. He then dropped his opponent and placed one foot on top. 1…2…3!!! Gorosaurus wins!

“Doorbell,” Fluffy said, his near mechanical voice resounding throughout TDWF Tower, he then repeated, “Doorbell. Doorbell. Doorbell.”

“Was it really wise to put one of Agent’s personalities inside of the computers?” Jesse asked.

“No wiser than putting the other in David Tennant’s body,” Falco said.

“True,” Jesse said.

“Someone going to answer the freaking door?” Fluffy asked.

“I’ll get it,” Will said.

“Probably that pilot,” Ben said, “It looked as if I won’t be the only one dying this season.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Kevin asked.

“Nothing,” Ben said.

Will hit the button for the elevator and travelled down the 15 stories to the basement, realizing what he had done he pressed 1, and came to ground level. He stepped out and turned a corner to see that the bulkhead front door of TDWF Tower had been clean ripped off. Suddenly a flicker of something bleach-white caught Will’s eyes. He turned to it and studied it, it was a tail. A skeletal tail ending in a fine scythe of bone, or some such material that looked texturally and colorly similar to bone. Suddenly the tail twitched and its owner revealed himself. Steam rippled off of his shoulders, abdomen, and fists; hair smoked and fell out, and the eyes, the eyes burnt with the fury of a Hellish blue sun. Slowly the fists unlocked and the heat energy subsided. Will addressed the individual, “Agent??!”

Agent turned to address his friend and his eyes subsided to their regular sky blue coloration. “Yes it is me!” Agent proclaimed.

“You’re not due back for another episode,” Will said.

“I know,” Agent said, suddenly falling over backward and falling asleep.

Will quickly ran to his friend and examined him, he realized that Agent had two compound fractures in his chest, as well as a broken arm, and a shattered foot, his tail was perfectly fine. Will suddenly hit the intercom button, “Guys I think we need a doctor!”
“Who? Colin Baker, Tom, Peter Davison, Sylvester McCoy, or Paul McGann,” Ben asked.

“Shut up,” Jesse said, “Now which one of us was supposed to be the doctor of the crew?”

“By crew you mean commentators, right?” Kevin asked.

“Yes,” Jesse snapped.

“You are,” Falco said.

“I am?” Jesse said, startled.

“Yes,” Falco said, “Now go down there and help out Eric. And now on to SMURF!”

Down in the SMURF Closet…

“I rented it all out for storage space,” Stormhalt said, “at least in here; I’ll be nice and safe…My old office that is.”

Stormhalt moved some objects around so that he could face the camera better, but it didn’t do much good as it was a closet with not much room. “This is SMURF: Stupid Moronic Ubsurd Rambunctious Fights,” Stormhalt proclaimed, “And now for the first and perhaps last fight of the day!”

There was a moment of silence as drums rolled and pulsated in the background. “The fight is betweeeeeennn…” Stormhalt said, suspensefully, “Oh I’ve got chills running up and down my spine.”

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

“Those aren’t monsters!” Kevin proclaimed.

“They aren’t?” Stormhalt quivered.

The fight began as the familiar bum-da-da-bump-bump, da-da-bump-bump of the Indiana Jones theme played. But it was quickly ended when Solo shot the record player. Surprisingly the two just stared at each other for a moment and were not in the least bit interested in fighting with one another.

Suddenly…

“And we will be taking you back to this amazing fight later on,” Falco said, “But for right now, we’re going to focus on Agent.”

Agent was being rushed into the medical room, which wasn’t exactly to deal with inexplicable tail growth, as was the case with Agent. It was however equipped to deal with the numerous broken bones the commentator had suffered though. Jesse shouted, “Give me five grams of Nitro stat!”

“Nitro, as in Nitrogen or Nitroglycerin or Sodium Nitrate?” Kevin asked.

“I don’t know Doctors in these TV shows always shout out something, I’m not sure what it is I can never understand them,” Jesse said, trying to give Agent an IV needle.

“Then watch ER more!” Kevin said, trying to help, as he was a licensed doctor as well.

“I know,” Jesse said, “Why’d they have to end such an awesome show?!”

“And for the record,” Kevin said, “I have a Nursing degree in Psychiatry!”

“Will you shut up!” Agent said, growling his teeth falling out and fangs growing out in their place.

“Not if you keep on squirming,” Jesse said, holding the Needle closer and closer to Agent’s arm.

“DON’T TOUCH ME WITH THAHAHAHAT-T-T-T-T!!!” Agent said, suddenly squirming upward.

Agent’s eyes glimmered to their blue sun level and then to a red sun. Claws dug into the bed and blood gushed from Agent’s mouth as his teeth fell out. A long forked tongue dangled out, suddenly elbow spikes shot out, a cracking sound was heard. Suddenly, Agent’s tail lashed out and smashed Jesse into the heart rate monitor, causing a brief electrical disturbance throughout all of TDWF Tower.

“And the winner is!” Stormhalt interjected.

1…2…3!!! Rick Deckard wins!!!!

Agent chuckled and tried to stand up but was being held down by Kevin. Finally Agent began to burn red and smoke began rising from his clothes, as if they were being burnt. Suddenly, a dart shot out from nowhere and pierced Agent’s neck, injecting just enough tranquilizer to knock him out.

Jesse struggled to pull his head out of the heart rate monitor. He dusted himself off and chuckled, “Looks like SY tried to make a come back.”

“That’s not SY,” Falco said, “That’s something new…”

To be continued…






















“WAIT!!! WAIT!!!” Will said, “What about the final battle?!!!”

“Um…” Falco said.

1…2…3!!! GODZALLA WINS!!!!