SY

SY
The Pseudoautobiography
A spinoff from the TV smash hit TDWF!!

So it began the greatest adventure this side of the Universe has ever had to offer. Don’t you just wonder where it all began? It begins with me. Now I suppose your asking yourself ‘who are you’ and ‘what do you have to do with this epic?’ Simply put, I am the greatest of all entities.

I am Dark Lord SY born Augustus, July 31st Galactic Standard Year 2215. That’s 1535 years ago by your Earthly standards. I suppose that makes me at the very least 475 years old, according to your Earth years. The difference isn’t all that much 365 Days equals one Earth year, 350 Days equals one GS year. Its just two weeks, and I’m too lazy to actually do the math involved. The point is that I’m much older and much more important than you are.

But to understand my story you must go back much further, much, much further. In the beginning our Galaxy was made by a being named Zarius-Medalar, an Elder of the Universe and the creator of this Galaxy. However there was a problem, Zarius-Medalar’s younger brother, Abaddon tainted the Galaxy, as he was jealous of it. This led to the introduction of evil and evil things, like myself, into the Galaxy. For punishment Abaddon was sent to live amongst the mortals.

Abaddon quickly rose to power becoming the first space lord. He adopted the title of Lord Terror. Abaddon, or Terror, managed to conquer the Galaxy. He was the devil, or so they say, and now he was in charge of the entire Galaxy. Of course then his right hand man Ctògó betrayed him and conquered the Galaxy for himself. No one knows what happened to Terror, he probably died.

Of course, this is what Terror would like you to think, even Ctògó is said to believe it for some odd reason. But the truth is I am the one sent by the Elders. Not Terror or Abaddon or what the deuce his name is. Therefore I am the God, not anyone else, I am the one between the Elders and the Mortals, I am both, and I am neither, for I am superior.

My story began on the planet of Cygnus 4, continent of Badgergoaway (I’m still not sure what it’s named after), district of Woptora, and the city of Maven. In an orphanage called the Cordo. I don’t know the Elders that birthed me but I am certain it rests somewhere between the lineage of Barcalathanazen or Arxtethzenzen, the brothers bold.

Now in the Cordo, life was dull until one day I stumbled into the kitchen. I remember I was 7 years old. I remember this so clearly because it was during the Hurgwaballaballaballa crossing, as I was watching it on the TV the previous night with my bunkmates Scruff and Tuttempop.

Back to the story, who cares about the Hurgwaballaballaballa? Damn extra-galactic termites! So I found what would be come my best friend. They called it Karrsh; I suppose to you it would resemble a large curved machete or some such knife. In any case it was used to decapitate the Spamels we used to eat at the Cordo. I grabbed it; the knife was easily as tall as I was.

Another kid was with me, her name was Peraal. I drew the knife, one thing led to another and well…Let’s just say that it wasn’t my best cut, but it was nonetheless a successful one. I distinctly remember the cold adrenaline rush that came along with it. I’d never felt anything like it before, but I would certainly feel it again.

My caretaker, Zatrey, her name was, rushed in as soon as she heard the distinctive sound of metal being grinded against metal. By that point I had been poking the warm blood that had seeped onto the floor with my hands, it was gooey. Much more so than water ever had been.

The blade still was in my other hand; I was to in awe to use it again at that moment. Zatrey scolded me and called me a bad boy. What did I care, the whole thing just zoomed by past that, I don’t even remember it. I know they couldn’t charge me with any crime. Thanks to Ctògóian law you can’t charge anything under the age of 12 with a crime. Such I was deemed ‘to young to understand’, though I understood what I had done, a perfect understanding. I liked it…

But I knew that I would have to be quiet about this if I ever tried to do it again. I knew Zatrey would try to kill me the first chance she got. So I laid low for a few years, watching Senator Refiluc Atsan try to clean up the Hurgwaballaballaballa crossing. He wouldn’t succeed until I was in my twenties, of course I didn’t know that then.

It was when I was 9 at a Carnival in Capricorn City that I decided to have my fortune told. I was young and bored, I had money to spend, and I never believe these things. The Clairvoyant I saw was a Mycomorph, she was red, kind of odd, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. She grabbed my hand, her pulsating hands closing in around mine. I felt that same rush again, was she to be my next victim. But she spoke calmly in an almost inaudible hissing monotone yell. Too this day I still try to decipher her words, “You are Augustus. Yes, I see you are destined for many, many great things. But the spark is there…Oh-ho yes, the spark of insanity. The Slasher of many you will become. When you try to conquer the Titans your mind will be your own undoing, until then you must rest for three seasons. Then you will awake to face the king himself, after this you will die.”

At the lines ‘you will die’ I was seriously considering to kill her but she continued, “But then you will return in the most unlikely of places. From there your destiny will be fulfilled and you must engage you, yourself, the other you, and finally your soul. Who wins this battle of four will determine the safety of the Galaxy, and indeed the Universe. Go forth King Augustus your destiny will unfold tonight.”

From that point on I knew I was destined for greatness, the Clairvoyant handed me a knife. She and I both knew what to do with it. I smiled and left her, I have yet to meet her again, if she is even alive. But that night I murdered two more people, the joy was amazing, I was enlightened while they faced damnation for bringing on my wrath (for they were mocking me about what I had heard). That night Zatrey tried to kill me, but I managed to remove her skull before she even had the chance.

From that point on I was moved to the moon of Qou. You wanna know what Qou is like? Qou sucks, its cold, its covered in Cactus filled Taiga, and there are huge herds of Eltrix and Morgolo. Now the latter is good for eating but if you stare down an Eltrix long enough they’ll spit teeth at you. Each one of an Eltrix throwing teeth (they’re like sharks that way) has .01 Grams of Hemotoxin AB inside, that’s enough to numb you for two weeks. Still you mix an Eltrix Tooth with a Pinetoon Seed you can make Ziltzijag sauce, which is fun. So I guess Qou has its ups, but mostly downs.

Now the fun part about this was I was 9, so I still couldn’t be charged. Everyone began calling me the Slashing Youth, I was a regular celebrity. But it was fun because I would still legally get away with anything. So I regularly brandished my knife when ever I felt like it. You know the thing was that I liked the nickname, so much so that I adopted it AS my name. Or the initials rather, hence Lord SY.

So my reign of terror commenced, I enjoyed it. I had complete freedom from the law but had to undergo several of those damnable psych-therapy things. I was perfectly sane; in fact I had an IQ thrice that of my fellow orphans. I also enjoyed eating BLTs in my spare time.

But I soon (I think I was 10, I’m not sure any more) experienced defeat. I had sneaked (or is it snuck) into a Lime Plantation. I had planned to kill the owner (as the orphanage had been giving us out as free workers to him) so I snuck in to his bedroom. Suddenly he heard me, I crept back out.

He grabbed his Sonikgun and investigated outside. I crept on top of a Lime oil drum and prepared to asphyxiate the bastard, but he turned around and shot the drum. I fell over as the spilling liquid covered me. The creep smiled for he knew who I was through reputation. So I light a firecracker and tossed it passed him and straight into the Lime fields. This ignited the entire field, I cackled, the laugh last was mine. While he had disgraced me by covering me with the foul oil; I had killed his livelihood. He then shot me with the Sonikgun in the leg, shattering it in three places. I embraced the pain and smiled. You want to know the secret of pain? If you stop feeling it, you can start using it.

After I crawled away I was placed into the hospital. It was here that I met my best enemy: Guildenstern Ooitarh. He was in the hospital after being caught for vandalizing a religious icon (it was a statue of Terror, c’mon how lame is that?) and subsequently shot. He was about five years older than me so he could be charged for crime. Such we hatched a bold plan of escape together.

After I healed we escaped and simply had me perform the crimes, as I could not be charged. We created a bold criminal empire together destroying lime eaters and lime farmers alike. Soon all of Qou was but a plaything to us. As I grew older both Guildenstern and I moved into positions of power, being able to play the strings of politicians as we saw fit.

But it was not enough all the mass murderings, the power over a moon. It just wasn’t enough to satisfy us. So we decided to become true dictators over the moon. The fact that we already had so much power made the effort easier than we thought. So we conquered Cygnus 4 as well. Thus the SY Empire was born…

In another plotline, I slowly fell in love with Guildenstern’s sister, Roz. But I could never bring up the courage to admit it, so the love went unanswered. But Guildenstern and I continued our expansionist efforts, even conquering the entire Solar System. At this point even Emperor Ctògó began to take notice.

At first Ctògó remained tolerant of our empire, calling it a ‘worthy adversary waiting to bloom’. But when I turned 50, I wanted something special, so Guildenstern and I decided to go for the whole 51st Quadrant. After conquering my third solar system (the Kato system), Ctògó declared war on my little empire. My memory is all a blur for this part, I don’t recall it being that interesting as there weren’t many opportunities to slash people without provocation.

I know that I conquered the 51st, 52nd, and the 49th Quadrants. I also know that I killed Roz, as I could never bring myself to ask her for a date (this and the fact that she ate limes constantly). This led Guildenstern to defect to Ctògó, and cost me the 52nd and 49th quadrants. If I ever find Guildenstern again, I’ll kill him…slowly…very slowly…damn traitor that he is…

But still another part that I remember is the poltergeist Shaw approaching me for an alliance with his empire. While the fact that our two empires both overwhelmed Ctògó to the point of the war, we ARE not allies. Shaw is an incompetent ugly cardboard faced suck-up.

I didn’t need his pathetic empire to win anyhow. So anyway he offers me an alliance but then he serves limes at the dinner. HOW DARE HE!!!! I hate limes, serving them is an act of treason punishable by death! Such I declared war upon him until his death and he is my arch-nemesis.

But so…Like I said the war ended due to Ctògó being overwhelmed by Shaw and me. In the end Shaw and I only had a quadrant each, I’ll conquer the Galaxy someday, so I’m not too crushed. So life continued happily in the SY Empire, as there were no limes, and every crime was punished by death. All deaths are overseen me personally, unless the accused makes a last minute plea to me, his God.

This brings me to the next point there’s room for anybody in the Church of SY. So the story comes full circle, I learn of the kaiju on the planet called Earth. So I invade using that little twit named Agent. But he betrays me along with Fluffy, causing me to loose and they keep me in a computer for two years. My regret is that I never asked a girl on a date, something that will probably haunt me until my death…

But thanks to David Tennant (with a little help from Ctògó, see Season 3 of the TDWF for details) I now have my own body. And the empire begins again… [insert evil laughter here]