TDWF Episode 3

TDWF III: ….

“I can’t think of a name…” Agent said.

“How about ‘Ben dies’?” Kevin suggested.

“No…No…” Agent said, “That’s a recurring joke for this season, we don’t want to blow it early.”

“Okay,” Kevin said.

“Well the show is going to start soon,” Falco said.

“We need a name though,” Agent protested.

“How about the Revelation?” Kevin said.

“No that’s too spoilerous…” Agent said.

“But we aren’t revealing anything in this episode.” Kevin said.

“Good point,” Agent said.

“I’ve got it!” Falco said, typing the new name of the episode into the computer.

TDWF 3: Caveat Emptor

“What?!!” Agent said, “I don’t speak Chinese!”

“It’s Latin,” Falco said.

“Close enough,” Agent said.

The other three commentators came up the stairs. Will assumed his favorite seat, “Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen!” he said allowed, “And welcome to the third shocking episode of the TDWF! REVELATION!”

“I wonder if he realizes we changed the name to ‘Caveat Emptor’…” Agent said.

“What?” Will said, looking away from the microphone.

“Nothing…” Agent said, “Carry on! Allons-y!”

“Right! Enough with the meta-references!” Will said, “On with the show! First match of the day!”

“We haven’t even made one page of script yet though!” Ben complained.

“So exaggerate a bit, we’ll make it,” Jesse said.

“Okay…” Ben said, “Where can we exaggerate upon?”

“From now on Agent is referring to himself in third person!” Agent proclaimed.

“Well then this makes it very difficult to type about, Falco said,” Falco said.

“True, Agent replied,” Agent replied.

“Okay! It’s getting old! Will shouted!” Jesse shouted.

“No…No…Your doing it wrong,” Agent said.

“Oh…Sorry,” Jesse said, “But the fact remains!”

“Right!” Falco said.

“So we’ll sing a song!” Kevin said.

“NNNNNOOOO!” Falco shouted, waving his hands.

“I love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy poofs! If we didn’t have cheesy poofs we’d be lame!” Ben sang.

“No! No more singing!” Will protested, “Show must go on!”

“For those of you at home who wish to join along the choir lyrics will appear on your screen,” Kevin said.

“No!” Falco said, “Not this song!”

“Humph,” Agent said, “I didn’t want to be a commentator anyway… I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they fell down the mighty waters of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side we’d sing, sing, sing. I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay I sleep all night and I work all day!”

The choir repeated, “He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay! He sleeps all night and he works all day!”

“I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea!” Agent sang.

“He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch he goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea!” The choir sang, “He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day!”

“I cut down trees I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers!” Agent sang, with Falco grumbling in the background, “I put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars!”

“He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers.” The choir sang, “He puts on women’s clothing and hangs around in bars?! He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day!”

“I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra! I wish I’d been a girlie just like my dear Papa!” Agent sang.

“He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?! Suspenders….and a bra?! Oh shut up!” The choir sang, stomping away.

“I wish I’d been a girlie, just like my dear Papa!!” Agent sang.

“Oh Agent and I thought you were so rugged!” Ben said, also storming off.

“Get off me, ugh,” Agent said, shoving Ben away.

“Now that you’re done treading over copyrights can we get on with the show,” Will asked.

“First match!” Falco said.

G2K vs. Maguma

G2K bent over to peer into the water searching for his opponent. His tail waved lightly over the water. G2K looked deeper, and deeper. Suddenly a big brown blubbery blur, G2K’s eyes shifted as the monstrous blur streamed past before leaping out of the water towards G2K’s tail.

G2K shrieked as he spun around, his tail went flying the other way. Maguma went flying back into its element. G2K went flying down with his Walrusian opponent, G2K hollered but Maguma was ultimately far to fast. G2K’s spikes began to glow their trademark red. Maguma was forced to let go, but the damage was done, large teethmarks had left wounds on G2K’s tail.

Maguma quickly swam upward and grabbed a hold of G2K’s head. A bad move on the giant Walrus’ part. G2K shook his head violently until the Walrus was dislodged. G2K spun his head up towards Maguma. A violent pulse of nuclear fire shot from G2K’s mouth, knocking out Maguma instantly.

Winner G2K…

“Wow what an interesting, if not brief fight,” Kevin said.

“Yeah,” Agent remarked, “So what other songs can we sing?”

“No! No more singing,” Falco protested.

“Okay fine,” Agent said, “But we need something to do.”

Suddenly a rock came crashing through the window hitting Ben and killing him instantly. “Oh my god it killed Benny!” Falco shouted.

“You bastard!” Agent shouted.

“How can a rock be a bastard?” Kevin asked.

Agent shrugged, he picked up a piece of paper attached to the rock and read, “ ‘How Doth the Little Crocodile’, by Lewis Carroll.

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spread his claws
And welcome little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!”

Ben stood up, “Yeah!” he proclaimed, “I didn’t die this time!”

He stood up and did a victory dance to celebrate his lack of demise, only to have another rock fly through the window and hit him square on the forehead. It too had a piece of paper on it, Agent read it aloud, “Sorry wrong poem.

You have chosen to ignore SY
So you will now be brought down by force
You will all be made to die
And be done so without any, at all, remorse.”

“Another crudely written poem,” Falco remarked.

“So what happened to him?” Kevin asked, pointing to Ben.

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him,” Jesse said, “He’s dead!”

“No, no,” Kevin said, “He’s resting.”

“No, no…He’s passed on,” Jesse said, “Enough with the Monty Python references.”

“Yes, yes,” Will said, “It’s becoming more of a cliché than Ben dieing constantly.”

“Good point,” Kevin said.

“So what do you think it means is this SY guy going to destroy us?” Agent asked, slightly frightened.

“I doubt it,” Jesse said, “Nobody can hurt us here.”

“Never assume anything,” Falco said.

“I agree with Falco,” Will said, “We should get going with the next match.”

“Right,” Jesse said.

Ebirah vs. Angilas

Ebirah hauled itself on to the land and shrieked a challenge to its spiky opponent. Angilas materlized itself from the forest and bellowed in response. Ebirah bashed its claws together and proceeded to crawl forward. Angilas charged forward, before flipping up into the air and rolling itself into a ball.

Ebirah ducked down but as Angilas roared overhead he quickly shot up, getting spikes jammed into his exoskeleton but sending Angilas rearing for the cliffs behind the Ebirah. Ebirah spun around as Angilas crashed into rocks, as debris toppled over causing….

“Hold it!” Kevin shouted, as a piece of paper printed from his computer console.

It had a red ‘X’ on it, “Okay the test results are back, and it isn’t good,” Kevin said.

“What is it?” Falco asked.

“Don’t tell me!” Agent said, “You’re pregnant!”

“No!” Kevin said, “These are drug screening.”

“Ssooo,” Agent said.

“Ebirah has just tested positive for three illegal steroids,” Kevin said, “I’m afraid he will have to be suspended for the remainder of the season.”

“Ah man,” Falco said, “I had money on that lobster.”

“Ha! You owe me five bucks!” Agent pointed out.

Winner through disqualification: Angilas.

“What an interesting round,” Will said.

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “Dang drugees.”

“So Falco,” Jesse said, “What’s our educational bit for today?”

“Our educational portion is this,” Falco said, “Observe. Number one.”

Agent didn’t move but then Falco prodded him with a pencil, “Ow!” Agent shouted, before running away and screaming. Falco caught him, “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force.”

“How are you going to do number two?” Kevin asked.

“I don’t remember number two!” Falco said, “So number three! And my favorite!”
He moved his leg towards Agent, “For every action,” he kicked Agent in the groin, “There is an equal and opposite reaction!”

Agent went hoping away, “Ow! Ow! My family jewels! Ow!” he said.

“Thank you Falco,” Jesse said, “Now kids, any questions? …….None good…”

Meanwhile onboard a spaceship cloaked and in orbit around the Earth…

“Those stupid ignorant fools,” Dark Lord SY said, “They will soon all see.”

“You wanted to see me sir?” another voice said.

“Yes my friend,” Dark Lord SY said, “I need you to infiltrate the TDWF for me. Our past mole has failed…Don’t you fail me Fluffy Univac, you are my best operative…Don’t fail me or else it will be your head.”

“Yes sir,” the other voice said.

Back in the TDWF Tower….

“That was abrupt,” Kevin said.

Agent hobbled back, still in pain, “I thought we were saving that till the end,” he said.

“Just shut up about the previews already,” Will said, “Let the audience figure it without your own speculating.”

“Right,” Kevin and Agent said.

“So last match of the day time,” Will asked, “Or do you two lummoxes want to continue procrastinating?”

“We’ll procrastinate some more,” Agent said.

“Okay, while you two do that we’re going to wrap up the episode,” Jesse said.

G2K vs. Angilas

G2K immediately rose from the water and charged for the mainland, Angilas bellowed but barley got the chance to react. Angilas tried to move out of the way but G2K had already stomped upon his head.

Angilas shrieked but rolled out of the way, knocking over G2K in the process. With his opponent down Angilas ran up to G2K and proceed to stomp G2K, hit him with spikes and gnaw on his opponents arms. G2K tried to get up but Angilas’ weight was far too much for him to handle.

1…2…

No G2K’s body warmed up as a nuclear ray fired straight off into Angilas’ face. Angilas jumped off, just evading the deadly beam, but his feet were still singed. Angilas bellowed as his feet were burning. But as G2K stood up Angilas rolled into a ball and launched himself for G2K’s face.

G2K growled as he fired his heat ray. Angilas kept on coming towards him as his scales burnt with heat. G2K had no choice but to duck as the burning mass of flying dinosaur spike ball came flying towards him. G2K quickly stood up behind Angilas who continued to fly past him. G2K fired his heat ray but ran with it, as it caught up to Angilas; G2K finally let the heat ray go out.

G2K leapt up on to Angilas who was now steaming and smoking from the heat. G2K landed on top of him. The pain of the spikes and the heat was unbearable, but his red heat ray did the trick. G2K held down Angilas.

1…2…3 G2K wins!

“That’s another five bucks you owe me Falco,” Agent said.

“What are you talking about? I’m the one who bet on G2K!” Falco said.

“Oh yeah,” Agent said.

“This is why we don’t gamble kids,” Jesse said.

“Well that’s all we have for you tonight,” Will said, “So good night, brush your teeth, don’t do drugs, and buckle your seatbelt! Good night!”

“Wait!” Agent said, “I think that we should end in song!”

“No!” Jesse and Falco shouted.

“Cheerio Jesse!” Agent said.

“Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things can just make you swear and curse,
When you’re chewing life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble,
Give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best.
And…”

“Oh no…” Jesse said.

“I love this song!” Falco said.

“Always look on the bright side of life,” Kevin and Will sang, they then whistled, “Always look on the light side of life.”
“If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps,
Don’t be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That’s the thing.
And…”


And everyone, spare Jesse, chimed in,
“Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the light side of life.”

“For life is quiet absurd
And death’s the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It’s your last chance, anyhow.
So…”

“Always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath.”

“Life’s a piece of ‘expletive we cannot mention and cable television’
When you look at it.
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show.
Keep ‘em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the laugh is on you.
And…”

“Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the light side of life
Always look on the bright side of life.”

The quartet whistled.
“Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the bright side of life!”

The End