TDWF Episode 11

TDWF XI: The Machiavellian Squid

It has been roughly half a year since the TDWF
fended off the Two-Dimensional Menace that was Lord Shaw. It has been Three months since they fended off the undead doubles of one of their own.

But slowly out of the blackness of space comes the third space power, a force both
SY and Shaw fought tooth and claw against. This creature had a name
That meant fear long before their day.

“What an entirely misleading title,” Jesse said.

“What matters is that we got renewed for a third season after that entirely bizarre Holiday Special,” Will said.

“Additionally, for some reason, we’ve been upped from a ‘G’ rating to a ‘14’ rating,” Falco said, “More violence in this season apparently.”

“Where is Agent?” Ben said, “Or Kevin, we need them to get started.”

“They’re doing a separate sequence,” Falco said, “Which we will cut to now.”

In the Therapy Room...

“So why do you think you’re so depressed Eric,” Kevin said, jotting notes down.

Agent was sprawled out in a lounge chair, “I don’t know... Ever since I was a young child growing up on Planet Yopter third planet in the system, you call the system Albireo in the constellation of Cygnus,” Agent said, “I never met biological parents...This is confidential right?”

“Yes of course,” Kevin said, adjusting his reading glasses, “I read your blood results you do know you aren’t human right?”

“Yes,” Agent said, “I do find that troublesome too, fitting amongst all of you. I look and sound just like you guys, but that’s only skin deep... And the truth is Agent may be a name, and Eric Augustine may be my real name. But it isn’t, SY invented me the alias when I landed here. The only real name I know is Augustus, which is our true name.”

“Would you prefer it if we called you ‘Augustus’?” Kevin asked.

“No,” Agent said, “I like being called Eric; it helps me forget I’m a space-fugitive.”

“Do you feel some obligation to go back to Space?” Kevin asked.

“Actually I do, SY said he would return to the worlds he left when he came here to conquer,” Agent said, “Those worlds have been left in utter...darkness and thoughtlessness Heaven knows what Shaw has been up too.”

“Well Eric,” Kevin said, “I think you’re worrying to much about things around space. Just let things take their course, worry about things down on Earth, and relax you’re in good company.”

“Thanks Kev,” Agent said, “I’ll try to...”

Back on top...

Kevin and Agent walked upstairs, Agent rubbed his eyes. “Let’s get started,” he said.

“Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the third season of the TDWF!!” Will shouted, proudly.

“This season we’ve got smashing battles; new characters, epic wars, death, destruction, mayhem, fire, gore, blood, SEX!!!” Falco said, “Ha-ha-ha-ha! Take that censors!!”

“Um...um,” Ben said, tapping Falco on the shoulder, “We don’t have any of the last one...I mean we’re all guys...”

“Valid point,” Falco said.

“Too bad we can’t afford any more cast members,” Will said.

“Yeah,” Falco said.

“Hey!” Ben said, “Agent show everyone your new trick!”

“What new trick?” Jesse said, rolling his eyes.

“Lord Vadar can you hear me?” Ben said.

“Yes, master,” Agent said, “Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she all right?”

“Uh-oh,” Will said.

“It seems in your anger, you killed her,” Ben said.

“I...? I couldn’t have! She was alive; I felt it!” Agent said.

Agent roared and stood up and shouted, the whole of TDWF tower began to shake as the rolly chairs that Falco and Will sat in, began to move from side to side.

“NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Agent shouted.

Jesse’s Pepsi exploded in his hand. “Dude!” Jesse said, “Clean that up!”

Agent looked at Jesse, “Say please,” he said.

“Please,” Jesse said.

“Thank you,” Agent said, cleaning up the mess.

“Don’t do that Agent,” Will said, “You’re ruining the foundation!”

“First match of the day!” Falco proclaimed.

“Hey where’d my wallet go,” Kevin asked, looking at the vending machine.

Barugon vs. Gorosaurus

Barugon trotted into the arena he scanned the area for his opponent. His eyes narrowed, nothing, he snarled. Gorosaurus rose from the ground and bit into his opponent’s side. Barugon quickly swiveled out of the therapod’s grip. The frost dragon bit impaled Gorosaurus with his horn, before charging and sending him flying.

Gorosaurus snarled and struggled to get to his feet. Gorosaurus struggled to get to his feet, he roared and coughed up a small amount of blood. Barugon opened his mouth and his tongue shot out, again knocking over Gorosaurus. Then came the frost, Barugon covered his opponent with frost. Gorosaurus coughed but managed to get up, despite being absolutely frozen.

He got up and rushed to the side of his opponent. He then kangaroo-kicked his opponent to the ground. Gorosaurus bit into Barugon’s neck, Barugon shrieked and fired off his rainbow ray. Gorosaurus was burnt with the intense freeze ray, he immediately let go, but the beam kept on tracking him, spurting from Barugon’s spikes.

Barugon finally leapt and tackled his saurian opponent. Barugon’s nose horn made a large gash in Gorosaurus’ neck. Gorosaurus groaned as blood fell from his neck. Barugon knocked over his opponent….

1…2…3…Barugon wins!!!

“Seriously where the heck did my wallet go?” Kevin said, searching his pockets.

“Maybe you just left it in your room,” Agent said.

“No, I always have it just in case I get hungry,” Kevin said.

“Well don’t worry it’s got to be somewhere,” Jesse said, “You really think someone got on to the island and stole it?”

“Yes,” Kevin said, “I know I had it when I came up here. Gah, I have money in there.”

“Maybe this has something to do with the story arc this season,” Ben suggested.

“Maybe, or perhaps it’s just a subplot,” Will suggested.

“I have to agree with Will,” Agent said.

“You mean my money isn’t important?!! My ID card? My Visa card??!!” Kevin said.

“We’ve got the current best ratings on Primetime; ESPN is looking to broadcast us, and we’ve been nominated for an Emmy,” Agent said, “You’ll get your money back.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Kevin said.

“Next match?” Jesse suggested.

“Sure why not?” Will said.

MOGERA vs. SpaceGodzilla

MOGERA landed in the middle of the island, the robot didn’t make a sound. It just stood and stared, SpaceGodzilla however had yet to even show himself. MOGERA studied the area around, nothing, suddenly something, faint but rapidly approaching.

MOGERA lifted its mechanical head, the bulky outline of SpaceGodzilla clear as it eclipsed the sun. MOGERA immediately fired its spiral grenade; they instantly shot the flying dinosaur out of the sky. SpaceGodzilla crashed but promptly stood back up and roared, MOGERA said nothing in reply.

Lasers shot from the robot’s eyes blasting into SpaceGodzilla’s telekinetic shield. MOGERA then separated into the land MOGERA and the Star Falcon.

“Heh,” Falco said, “Falcon.”

The Star Falcon rapidly flew around SpaceGodzilla, making the extra-terrestrial dinosaur dizzy. The Land MOGERA shot out grenades, lasers, and missiles, at SpaceGodzilla. SpaceGodzilla was overcome.

“Hold on,” Kevin said, skipping through a book.

“What,” Agent said.

“I think that’s an illegal move,” Kevin said.

Ben stuck his finger in the book, “There,” he said, “Rule 12: No more than one entity may face a single opponent at a time.”

“But MOGERA is one entity,” Will said.

“Yeah MOGERA is but not the Land MOGERA and Star Falcon, that’s two entities,” Kevin said.

“He’s right,” Agent said, “If he hadn’t become separated he could continue, but he did so, unfortunately…”

Through disqualification SpaceGodzilla has won!

“Maybe we should clearly define the rules first of all,” Kevin said.

“Are you kidding?” Agent said, “The kaiju read them when they sign up.”

Agent gripped his back, “My back hurts,” he said.

“You want me to check it out?” Jesse suggested.

“No…” Agent said.

Suddenly a hand shot out from nowhere and grabbed Ben by the neck. “Augh!” Ben coughed, “Get it off me!”

Agent struggled to get off the hand, but he couldn’t with physical strength. He telekinetically ripped the hand off, “Bad hand!” he said, suspending it in the air.

But the hand broke free and punched over Agent. “Someone get a gun!” Agent shouted, trying to ‘force’ the hand off.

The hand wasn’t helping with Agent’s sudden pains, Will and Jesse both tried to pull off the hand. The hand was clearly human, but it was blood red and pulsating. Falco pulled out his gun and shot the hand, however it also shot Agent right in the chest. Agent collapsed…

“Oh my God!” Falco said, “I killed Eric!”

“Bastard,” Ben said, “Never thought I’d be the one saying that.”

Agent pulled the bullet out of his chest, as purple-blue blood pooled out. “It’s purple,” Will said, “That can’t be normal

“Yeah, Agent isn’t exactly….how do I put this?” Jesse said.

“Human?” Kevin said.

“Exactly,” Jesse said.

Agent chuckled, “Now you know who I am,” he breathed.

“And now you’re going to die,” Ben sighed.

Suddenly Agent’s wound began sealing up and healing inward. “Dang it Agent!” Jesse said, “You are one weird life form, and what’s that mark on your chest?!!”

“It looks like….yah know ‘The Omen,’ Damian or something,” Ben said.

“What an inappropriate joke,” Will noted, “Introducing kids to thoughts of the Antichrist.”

“Fine,” Agent said, “I’ll go wash it off”

Agent stomped off, downstairs… “And now!” Jesse said, “On to SMURF!”

In the SMURF Room…

The sound of reggae blaring loudly; Stormhalt was engaged in a magazine, ignorant to the world around him. “Yeah that one is going in the scrap book!” he said, looking at the pictures in the Playboy.

Stormhalt cut out the picture and placed it in a photo album. He continued looking through the magazine for a while, “STORMHALT!” Jesse’s voice came through the intercom, “You’re on air!”

Stormhalt scrambled to hide the magazine and the photo album, hiding them under his desk. “Yes…Yes…YES!!” He said, his pulse going wild, “AH!! Welcome to SMURF: Small Monster Unlimited Ring Fighting… Which is a better acronym than TDWF!”

“Well we’ve got a smashing show for you today!” He said, “With little monsters fighting it out! Let’s get on with it!”

Goro vs. Predalien

“PRINCE GORO!” Goro roared, “This puny alien will be no problem!”

The Predalien walked in, his mandibles clicking, he nodded and his dreadlocks coming forward then back. Goro charged forward knocking over the Predalien, who got quickly back on his feet. The Predalien immediately leapt for Goro’s neck, but Goro promptly deflected the xenomorph with one of his mighty arms.

The Predalien rapidly got up, only to see the mighty Shokan running right towards him. The Predalien rolled out his way and jumped onto Goro’s back. Goro struggled to grab the alien but he couldn’t, his build simply would not permit it.

Goro suddenly shifted his weight forward, slinging the Predalien off of him. Goro then ran forward and smashed the Predalien with one foot. “I DO! NOT! FAIL!” he said, smashing the xenomorph.

Suddenly the Predalien shot up, still very injured using it’s inner jaws to cut a hole in Goro’s knee. Goro looked down, “Disgusting,” he said, “Time to die!”

Goro then fell over in pain; he was too heavy to support on one leg. The Predalien scampered atop the Shokan, “Is it time to die? … at LAST!” Goro said, the Predalien shot its inner jaws through the disoriented Shokan’s head.

The Predalien wins….Fatality.

“Ewww, blood, ewww, blood,” Stormhalt said, trying not to vomit, “The Predalien wins!”

Stormhalt grabbed a brown paper bag, opened it, and gazed inside, “Back to you guys up top!” he said, vomiting into the bag.

Back on top…

“Ugh,” Jesse said, “Disturbed that one is.”

Ben snapped his fingers, “I just remembered something!” he proclaimed.

Ben ran down stairs, “Be right back,” he said.

“Take your time,” Jesse said.

“LAST BATTLE YEAH!” Agent proclaimed, coming back up and rubbing the blood out of his clothes, “Never thought I’d be strangled by my own hand.”

Barugon vs. SpaceGodzilla

Barugon trotted into the arena as SpaceGodzilla arrogantly strode into the arena. Barugon temporarily suspended himself on his hind legs and roared. SpaceGodzilla simply sneered and growled at his quadrupedal opponent.

The ice monster lunged for his opponent but SpaceGodzilla merely turned around and deflected him with his tail. SpaceGodzilla then spun around and unleashed his Corona Ray on Barugon.

Barugon hollered in pain but shot back with his freeze ray, not only canceling out the beam but freezing SpaceGodzilla’s throat. Perplexed by the feel SpaceGodzilla sputtered and spat, but he couldn’t as his spit was frozen to his tongue. Barugon came closer and began smashing SpaceGodzilla with his weight, not allowing the monster to budge.

SpaceGodzilla gazed at the ground underneath Barugon, suddenly three mighty crystals shot up impaling Barugon. Barugon’s oily black blood pooled from his mouth. SpaceGodzilla stood back and tried to roar but it came out more as a crude chuckle.

In a last ditch effort Barugon tried to fire his rainbow ray, as his mouth was too blood filled for his frost ray. But the rainbow ray went straight into the crystal, was absorbed, amplified, and then reflected. But because the energy was inside Barugon had not left it went out straight to him. The resulting explosion was so mighty that is completely obliterated Barugon flinging his innards and entrails everywhere.

SpaceGodzilla was also enveloped in the explosion but was less harmed due to his crystalline forcefield.

Because Barugon is no longer existence, SpaceGodzilla wins!

“Ewww….” Kevin said.

“Listen closely,” Will said, putting his finger to his lips, “One can almost here Stormhalt vomiting from here.”

“Ewww….” Kevin repeated.

“Where’s Ben?” Falco asked.

“Ewww….” Kevin said, again.

“I dunno,” Agent said, “We can’t end the show without him.”

“Ewww….” Kevin said.

“Stop saying ‘Ewww….’!” Jesse shouted.

“Okay….” Kevin said.

Ben rushed up stairs with a bizarre device that looked like a computer, telephone, a microwave, and an ATM all fused into one. Ben struggled to carry it up, Agent glared at the device; he picked it up with his mind and sat it down at the desk in front of him.

“What is that?” Jesse asked.

“Ewww….” Kevin said.

“STOP IT!” Jesse snapped.

“It’s a LRDSR!” Ben said.

“LRDSR?” Will said, “That’s almost as bad as an anagram as TDWF.”

“Acronym,” Agent corrected.

“Right better acronym than TDWF,” Will said.

“Ewww…” Kevin repeated.

“Shut up!” Jesse said.

“Hey!” Kevin said, “At least I don’t look like an armadillo!”

“Hey!” Jesse said.

“Anyways….” Will said.

“LRDSR,” Ben said, “Long Range Deep Space Radar.”

“Why would we need that??” Agent said.

“In case some alien decides to try to blow us up this season,” Ben said, plugging the device in.

“Ah,” Agent said.

“Well that’s our show for tonight!” Jesse said, “I am going to bed.”

Will yawned, “I think we all should sleep now, night!”

Jesse, Will, Kevin, Ben, and Falco went downstairs. “Agent you coming,” Falco asked.

“No,” he said, “You guys go, I think I’ll clean up here…It’s too messy.”

“Okay,” Falco said, heading down.

Agent laid back in his spiny chair and sighed, as the other commentators left he got up. The LRDSR began to beep, a yellow light flashing. Agent eyed it, he grinned menacingly. He unplugged the LRDSR…

To be continued…