TDWF Episode 12

TDWF Episode XII: Match of Insanity

“I guess that’s a good title,” Jesse said, “Match of insanity, people will spend all day pondering what it means.”

“Good Morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the TDWF,” Will proudly shouted.

“Ogenki desu ka? Ohirugohan!” Ben shouted.

“No, no,” Falco said, “You just said ‘How are you? Lunch!’ Just say Ohayoo!”

“Ohio!” Ben shouted.

“Your Japanese needs more practice grasshopper,” Falco said.

“I thought this was Chinese,” Ben said.

“Hey where is the Kaiju-telepath translator?” Agent asked.

“Why?” Jesse said, taking a sip of tea.

“I need for something,” Agent responded.

“What kind of something?” Jesse asked.

“It’s just an experiment,” Agent said, “I need to brief the kaiju on the rules and expectations.”

“Yeah that’s fine,” Jesse said, “Lab floor, Room 2, chamber five, second door on the left. Combination is 2, 6, 7, 8.”

“Thanks!” Agent said, running downstairs.

“Nice to see him finally doing something productive,” Jesse said.

“Indeed,” Falco said.

Downstairs in Chamber five....

Agent entered the code, he pulled out what appeared to be Ear Phones with needles in the dead center. He set those down and pulled out a satellite cone and proceeded to weld it to the telepath machine.

Upstairs...

“What is he doing?” Will said, “With my tools?!!”

“That’s what she said!” Ben replied, “No but seriously that thing had a bad signal, he’s probably just amplifying it.”

Downstairs...

Agent picked up the telepath machine and carried it out of the lab and to the main computer. Oddly the machine weighed at the very least 1,000 pounds, but Agent picked up silently nonetheless. He set it down and attached some wires to the Motherboard of the main computer.

He then melded in the Ear Phones; Agent entered the computer and pulled up a file called STFU. Agent entered the password and the file proceeded to upload through the machines. Agent inserted the Earphones into his ears. It hurt like hell, but obviously the commentator was doing what he was doing for a very specific reason.

Agent cracked his knuckles and then hit a red button. An alarm blared as the temperature soared up into the 200s, smoke and steam sizzled all around him as electricity cackled around him. At then points in Agent’s skin began to sizzle and crackle, burning him.

The commentator did not flinch though his pulse raced wildly. Finally as the lights flashed throughout TDWF tower and the computer flickered to a seizurious degree, the power was drained. The fire extinguishing water system on the ceiling was released, spraying water all over Agent.

Agent dragged the machinery apart and put it back in its’ respective places. Agent sighed and walked upstairs.

Upstairs...

“Agent you killed the power!” Jesse shouted.

Agent stammered up shivering wildly and dizzy, his hair spiked with static, and a slightly mischievous grin on his face. “Apparently that’s a...a...seee---...side effect!” he chuckled, clearly disoriented.

Agent collapsed, Kevin picked him back up and slumped him in his chair. Agent grumbled and tried to stay awake but was far to warn out, Jesse flickered a light in his eyes. Agent’s pupils did not dilate, Jesse took his temperature. “Wow,” he said, “You have a fever 112 Fahrenheit, that’s a new record.”

“Blargh,” Agent said, “Let the games continue.”

“You heard the chairman,” Will said, “First match!”

Agent chuckled and grinned stupidly.

Viras vs. Titanosaurus

Viras trotted the squid chuckling in supremacy, his hawk-like eyes studying everything around him. Titanosaurus, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen. The squid-monster was confused, where was his saurian opponent?

Suddenly Titanosaurus leapt from underneath the forest launching directly for the top of Viras’ quasi-obelisk head. Viras hoped the reptile would do this, the four corners of his cranium clamped. Titanosaurus was instantly impaled on the sharp head.

Viras grinned; sadly being a poorly fashioned monster to begin with he could to little more. Viras struggled to use his tentacles to escape. Titanosaurus was more stunned than anything and did not fall over or react.

The alien squid struggled to strangle his saurian….

“Saurian...” Jesse asked.

Well there is no word for enemy that start’s with ‘S’, but you get the idea.

“HA!” Agent sputtered, slime drizzling from his mouth, “Thas funny!”

“Ewww...” Jesse said.

Sadly the saturnine squid could do no real damage. Titanosaurus suddenly snapped back into reality, he saw the squid inside him. The reptile hissed, he suddenly leaned backward. Forcing Viras out of his chest, Titanosaurus caught the squid.

Titanosaurus then body slammed the alien invader…

1…2…3 Titanosaurus wins!

Agent’s tongue hung out, it was a deep purple in coloration and just longer than a regular person’s. “Gah Agent put that away,” Jesse said, disgusted.

“Yeah,” Falco said, “You’re an alien, and you have a long purple tongue we get it!”

Agent swallowed his tongue and hissed. His eyes went cross-eyed, “You guys think yer…ye-…ye-…ye-…er…ye….er…YER so smart but YER not!” he proclaimed, “This isn’t over for I will…I will…I will survive?...I will…I will..Con-…I will take a nap.”

Agent collapsed and fell asleep. “What is HE smoking?” Will said.

“I don’t want to know,” Kevin said.

“Did we get the power back on?” Falco said.

“I’m working on it,” Ben said, heading downstairs to the power room.

Ben departed for the downstairs, “Can you get me a coffee while you’re at it?” Falco asked.

“Sure,” Ben said.

Will leaned back in his chair, “You know it sure is nice not having Ben die spontaneously in every episode,” he said.

“Amen on that,” Jesse said.

“ARGH!” Kevin shouted.

“What??!” Will stammered.

“I have that song stuck in my head,” Kevin said.

“What song?” Jesse asked, “I will survive! Dang it Agent!”

“Why do we always have obscure song references in this series anyway only about 40% of the audience gets the reference anyway,” Falco said.

“It’s our writer,” Will said, “The music he listens too. You know he only has plotlines thought up until Season 5? With few ideas concerning Season 6?”

“Yeah I heard that,” Jesse said.

“I will survive as long as I know how to love,” Falco whispered, “Dang it!”

“Well let’s sing another song to past the time,” Will said.

“It’s peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at?” Kevin sang, “Now there he go there he go!”

“No something else,” Will said he then sang, “Follow me, don’t follow me.

I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
Collar me, don’t collar me
I’ve got my spine; I’ve got my orange crush
We are agents of the three
I’ve had my fun and now it’s time to
Serve your conscience overseas (over me, not over me)

High on the booze
In a tent
Paved with blood,
Nine-inch howl,
Brave the night,
Chopper comin’ in, you hope

Follow me, don’t follow me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
Collar me, don’t collar me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got m orange crush
We are agents of the free
I’ve had fun and now it’s time to
Serve your conscience overseas (over me, not over me)
Coming in fast, over me!”

So Will continued singing ‘Orange Crush’ by REM. Till Ben came back up and the power snapped back into existence. “Next battle,” Falco shouted, clapping his hands expectantly.

Manda vs. Gurion

Manda slithered into the arena staring down his opponent: Gurion. Gurion began to charge forward, the knife-faced monster preparing to trample his opponent. Manda immediately rolled up into a ball, and positioned himself directly in the middle of Gurion’s path.

As Gurion ran over Manda immediately sprang forward constricting Gurion and immediately halting the alien rhino’s advance. Gurion groaned and tripped and rolled forward, Manda still tightly wrapped around his body. Gurion fired a shooting star only to have it miss and hit him on the back, furthering his pain.

The Space Rhino’s eyes’ began to bulge as he suffocated. Finally Gurion coughed up a white flag.

Manda wins!!

“Ha!” Falco said, “That’s fifty bucks you owe me Agent!”

Agent drooled as he mumbled something. “Agent” Falco said, pushing up the commentator’s chin.

“Totus hail glorificus obscurum Abbas Diabolus suggero!” Agent shouted, before going unconscious again.

“What is wrong with him?” Will said.

“Well,” Kevin said, examining him, “It appears he may be in some kind of drunken slash post-traumatic stress syndrome. I don’t know, with his physiology it could be anything. Your opinion Jesse?”

“Well like you said with his physiology it’s hard to say,” Jesse said, “I know sometimes he has growing pains. If you want my opinion he has a more flexible endo-skeleton beneath his human one that is still growing, that hurts him a lot of the time.”

“What?” Will said.

“Think of him as a butterfly,” Jesse said, “The outer shell is just a cocoon, once that butterfly breaks through he’ll shed his human appearance. He’s been growing for about 200 years now.”
“I thought Agent was 21,” Ben said.

“He only says that to fit in among humans,” Jesse says, “I suspect that’s why he drinks so much milk to grow that skeleton slash new body.”

“You know I recall Agent saying he was orphaned,” Kevin said, incidentally breaking doctor patient confidentiality, “His lack of…nursing…would accommodate for his lack of transformation.”

“He’s 200 years old?” Ben asked.

“According to carbon dating his birth date could be no earlier than 1778 AD roughly,” Jesse said, “Making him around 230 years old.”

“Damn,” Falco said, “And I’ve known him since high school.”

“230?” Will said, “Can we even test that accurately?”

“Its sci-fi and we’re building to a climax with this plot,” Jesse said, “So yes, we can.”

“And now on to SMURF!” Falco said, “Something monsters united righteous fluffing?”

In the SMURF chamber…

Stormhalt pawed through a wallet of some kind, counting the money. There was then a loud buzzing sound, Stormhalt screamed and looked up. “Ah hello and welcome to SMURF Small Monsters Undivided Ring Fighting!” he proclaimed, “Today we have…”

Back up top…

“Hey that’s my wallet!” Kevin said, running downstairs.

Back in the SMURF chamber…

“I was talking!” Stormhalt said, “Today we have…”

Kevin burst through the door, “You stole my wallet, give it back.”

“No I didn’t,” Stormhalt said, putting away the wallet.

“Yes you did you Emtophobe!” Kevin said.

“No I didn’t you Coulrophobe!” Stormhalt said.

“Yeah you did you Nosophobe!” Kevin said, “What’s that?!!”

Kevin pointed to the wallet, “What’s what?” Stormhalt said, looking around.

“THIS!” Kevin said, slapping Stormhalt with the wallet.

“I didn’t take it!” Stormhalt says.

Falco got on the speakers, and spoke loudly:

Stormhalt vs. Kevin

Kevin punched Stormhalt; Stormhalt round-house kicked Kevin back. The two commentators began lunging for each other’s throats. Within seconds Stormhalt’s desk was smashed and splinters were embedded in both men.

“SILENCE!” Agent’s voice commanded, resounding from where he was, “HYPOCRATIC OATH KEVIN! THE MAN IS OBVIOUSLY A KLEPTOMANIAC!”

Kevin and Stormhalt looked up, “You know he’s probably right,” Kevin shrugged.

Agent roared as everything not secured to the ground began to sway towards him. Bottles, paper, a few loose tiles, among other things as TDWF tower shook. Kevin and Stormhalt immediately came up to attend to the chairman. An email bulletin came through the computer. “Huh,” Jesse said, “Apparently the Moon has moved in two miles closer to Earth, tidal warning in effect.”

“Last match,” Agent said, collapsing.

Titanosaurus vs. Manda

Titanosaurus marched forward scanning for his opponent, self-confident in his ability. Manda crept out from the trees, the serpent hissing at his foe. Titanosaurus continued to march forward, Manda preparing to leap again on his foe. But Titanosaurus knew what to expect.

Manda lunged forward as Titanosaurus came within striking distance. Titanosaurus grabbed Manda by the neck and attempted to strangle the snake. Manda squirmed and tried to latch onto Titanosaurus’ chest. Titanosaurus snapped one of Manda’s vertebrate; Manda launched forward using the adrenaline caused by the pain. Titanosaurus struggled to pull the snake off his nose, but it didn’t work.

Finally the dinosaur titan bit into Manda who was hanging wildly from his nostrils. Manda roared and let go, Titanosaurus immediately began stomping the snake. Manda was unable to move…

1…2…3…TITANOSAURUS WINS!!

“Haud Abbas Diabolus, Nolo efficio vestri bidding. Qua est Matris?” Agent muttered.

“Does anyone have a clue what he is talking about?” Jesse said.

“No idea,” Kevin said.

“Si vos took vicis ut reddo is,” Agent muttered, “Vos es populatio vestri vicis! I amo caseus!”

“Well that’s all the show; so come back next week same time and place,” Falco said, “BUT IN HIGH-DEFINITION!”

“Sayonara,” Kevin said.

“I survived an episode!” Ben said!

“I AM REBORN!” Agent said, snapping back into reality.

To be continued….