TDWF Holiday Special

TDWF: Night of the Living Bens

“C’mon focus Agent focus!” Falco said.

Agent stared intently at a 6 pound dumbbell; Agent closed his eyes and breathed out. The dumbbell lifted just three inches off the ground, as Agent became more intent with the weight. Agent opened his eyes and the weight fell, smashing the coffee table underneath.

“So close,” Falco said.

Agent struggled to retain his train of thought, Jesse stood up from the other side of the room. “Okay, I think that’s enough the human mind just isn’t made for such conditions,” he said.

Will walked over with the coffee only to see what had transpired. “Oi!” he shouted, “Zemmiphobe! Come over here and give us a hand!”

Stormhalt walked in, having been recently hired, “Don’t call me that!” he said.

“It’s true though,” Will muttered.

Stormhalt helped pick up Agent and put him on the one of the sofas. Agent groaned, and then closed his eyes. Agent stared at the coffee on Will’s tray, slowly the coffee rose from the tray, still inside the cup. It bobbled over to Agent until…

“HEY GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP STAT!” Ben barged in shouting.

Agent dropped the coffee and stared at the kiwi as he again tried to regain his train of thought. “What?” He said, clearly agitated.

“I was putting away the 2-4-5 Trioxin and I spilt it in the morgue!” Ben said.

“Why were you in the morgue anyway,” Jesse asked.

“We have a morgue?” Kevin asked.

“I was cleaning that’s where they say you are supposed to store Trioxin!” Ben said, “What do I do? What if I make a bunch of zombies?!!”

“Relax that happens in only lame underbudgeted movies,” Falco said.

“We are a lame underbudgeted movie!” Ben stammered.

“No we’re an underbudgeted Holiday special,” Agent said, “There’s a difference.”

“I don’t know,” Ben said, “Sounds like a fairly good plot device to me.”

“Yeah well you’re a kiwi,” Jesse said.

“Well look at the title!” Ben said.

“It probably just means you’ll survive this episode,” Will said, “You can help us put up Christmas lights.”

Ben sighed and grabbed some lights and began to put them up around the lounge. “On second thought,” Agent said, “Go clean up the morgue, it needs to be clean…Kevin go help him.”

Kevin grumbled and followed Ben downstairs to the morgue. Agent stared at the lights in an attempt to adjust them, but the ones he tried to pick up were compressed. Agent frowned and then picked them up manually. “I can’t help feeling like we did something extremely stupid,” Will said.

“I know, Agent shouldn’t be using his powers that much. The human brain uses 10% of its full capacity, I think Agent is using more than that…And that is dangerous,” Jesse said.

“That’s not what I meant,” Will said.

Stormhalt quivered, “Shards of glass…Are we actually going to do a monster fight today?”

“Yeah,” Falco said, “This is a great time to introduce your segment of the show.”

“Woohoo!” Stormhalt said.

Stormhalt eyes his surroundings wearily before clearing his throat and then beginning. “Welcome to SMURF!” Stormhalt said, “Small Monster Unlimited Ring Fighting!”

“Smurf??!” Jesse asked, “Couldn’t you have come up with a cooler name?”

“Well it gets the point across,” Agent pointed out.

“Exactly! And Smurfs are totally cool!” Stormhalt said.

“Whatever,” Jesse said, “I’m going to go eat Ice Cream to explain my absence from the rest of this sequence.”

“So, anyway, we took various small monsters and now we’re going to pit them against each other just like the big ones!” Stormhalt said, “Alright first and only battle of the day!”

Dalek vs. Xenomorph

The Dalek hovers into the arena, only its engine making a faint pulsating hum. The xenomorph makes nary a sound as it creeps on the ceiling; the Dalek senses its opponent but does not know where it is. Seeing in shades of only blue the Dalek switches infrared vision.

The Dalek scans the area, a sound, the Dalek looks up.

“Extermina---!” The Dalek is cut off as the Xenomorph’s inner-jaws sever the delicate eye piece.

The xenomorph vanishes as soon as it appears the Dalek sparking. “My vision is impaired I cannot see! My vision is impaired I cannot see!” The cyborg squawks.

The Dalek fires in every direction, never hitting the xenomorph, but showering the ring in sparks. The Dalek hovers trying to find its foe; to no avail. Finally as the xenomorph squirms it brushes the Dalek’s sucker arm, which quickly closes around its prey.

The xenomorph is trapped, its tail flaying wildly, the xenomorph struggles to escape but every time it draws close its Skaroian Adversary fires on it. Luckily the xenomorph avoids being struck. The xenomorph quickly breaks loose; by severing its own tail.

The xenomorph screeched and slashed the remains of its tail toward the Dalek. The Dalek screeched as acid was poured into its casing. It struggled to see and fire, but to no avail. As the metal began to melt the xenomorph came up, it opened its drooling jaws. The inner-jaws shot out, piercing the weakened hull. Green blood shot out and Dalek guts.

The Dalek’s frantic firing stopped and the Dalek fell over, in animate.

1…2…3!!! The Xenomorph wins!

“Smurf…” Jesse scoffed, eating ice cream.

Meanwhile in the morgue…

“So then the clock is counting down and we realize that the Face of Boe’s last words ‘You Are Not Alone’ are an acronym of Yana, and that Professor Yana real is a Time Lord. All this is occurring while the rocket takes off for Utopia and Yana’s real self comes back into him,” Kevin said.

“Why did we have to take the stairs?” Ben asked.

“Because we need the exercise and the elevators are down,” Kevin said, “And so I can tell you what happened in Utopia.”

“Well we’re at the morgue and look at all this Trioxin,” Ben said.

“Good thing this isn’t the type of show to have zombies; I mean this is a kids Holiday special,” Kevin said.

THUD! A strange noise came from seemingly no-where, in the morgue. “What was that?” Ben said.

“Probably some mice,” Kevin said.

“We don’t have mice!” Ben said.

“What do we even keep down here?!!” Kevin asked.

“Bodies,” Ben said.

“I know that!” Kevin said.

Suddenly another thump, much louder the past one; Ben gasped as the thumps continued as if they were a pulsating drum. “There’s a reasonable explanation for this,” Kevin said.

One of the slots in the side of the morgue, presumably holding a dead body, began to dent it self; from the inside. “You sound remarkably calm about this!” Kevin pointed out.

Luckily the thing was still in side its coffin and could not reach the one Kevin was speaking too. Another dent was formed…

In the top of TDWF Tower…

“I think we have too much of a sarcastic narrator,” Jesse said.

“You think we should hire another one?” Agent said.

“Guys,” Falco said, “Forget the narrator I have the distinct feeling something bad just happened.”


“Like what?” Agent said, “This is a Holiday special!”

Back in the morgue…

“Something’s coming out,” Ben whispered.

“Maybe it’s a licker,” Kevin said.

“We crossed over with the Living Dead series, not Resident Evil,” Ben said.

A hole now formed in the drawer, “We need Flogging Molly background music,” Kevin muttered.

“You and that band,” Ben said, shining his flashlight toward the drawer as a hand reached out.

Kevin gasped as the rest of the dead body slowly slid out. “Do something you’re a doctor!” Ben whispered.

“I’m a psychologist!” Kevin whispered back.

“I thought you were a psychiatrist!” Ben loudly whispered.

“Whatever close enough!” Kevin whispered, unaware of the creature pulling itself out of the drawer.

The creature pulled itself out of the drawer as Ben and Kevin stared wide-eyed, for it was…

Back in the top…

“You know what we need?” Agent asked.

“What?” Falco said.

“More dialogue for me?” Stormhalt asked.

“No,” Agent said, “Guest stars.”

“Who do you have in mind?” Jesse asked, putting his ice cream bowl down.

“Here are my suggestions,” Agent said, “Colin Cowherd.”

“To wild,” Falco said.

“Catherine Tate,” Agent said.

“I am bovvered by her,” Stormhalt said.

“Are you disrespectin’ me?” Agent asked, “Ron White.”

“Negative Role model,” Falco said, “Isn’t he dead?”

“No,” Agent said, “Colin Mochrie.”

“To bald,” Jesse said.

“Biggles and Algy,” Agent asked.

“They’re not real,” Stormhalt said.

“Really?” Agent said.

“Can we do another battle?” Stormhalt asked.

“Sure, it’s the Holidays let’s get some custom monsters out there!” Falco cheered.

Biodorah vs. TitanGhidorah

In a feud that has existed for as long as….Well for as long as Agent and Falco imagined Biodorah and TitanGhidorah the fight between the arch-rivals was soon underway. Biodorah screeched, his slimy build oozing all over the island.

TitanGhidorah, the gigantic cybertronic three headed draconian hippie, was utterly disgusted. Biodorah bellowed, his hyper-extended crocodile-like jaws reaching out from his lips. TitanGhidorah charged for his foe, but Biodorah instantly glided away spewing acid on his opponent.

TitanGhidorah screeched but fired a gravity beam, instantly crashing his airborne opponent. Biodorah turned around the hybrid of Biollante and Hedorah snarled; a tendril shot out from his center, it wrapped itself around TitanGhidorah’s left head. The cyborg struggled to bite it, but to no avail, until his central metal head tore it off.

The cyborg dragon retaliated by launching two dozen rockets from his chest, Biodorah tried to dodge. But he failed being smacked by the rockets, dizzied TitanGhidorah fired his flamethrower. Biodorah tried to fire his crimson ray but couldn’t because he couldn’t concentrate in the heat or the pain.

TitanGhidorah shot out his capture cables, pulling Biodorah in with his harpoons like a giant oily whale. Quickly Biodorah and TitanGhidorah were eye to eye, the slime/plant monster oozing and absorbing his opponent. Biodorah still couldn’t concentrate, TitanGhidorah tried to get a good aim at his opponent.

TitanGhidorah fired a plasma ray directly into the slime/planet monster’s cranium. Biodorah tried to screech but nothing came out as his crocodile mouth shot out, before falling. Biodorah’s weight slimed over onto TitanGhidorah, clogging his circuits.

The two behemoths fell over, both knocked out…

THE WINNER IS NOBODY THE FIRST TDWF MUTUAL ANNIHILATION!!!

“Dang, dang, dang!” Falco said.

“John Barrowman?” Agent said, still suggesting guest stars.

“No,” Jesse said.

“Humboldt Squid anyone?” Will asked.

“You made squid?!!” Stormhalt said, “Euuuckkk!”

“Hey don’t say that word, children are watching this show!” Jesse snapped.

“I said ‘Euck’,” Stormhalt said, “Not F**k.”

“He said it again!” Falco said.

“This is why we didn’t hire you from the start,” Agent said, “That and your horrible taste in music.”

“Say that word again and we’ll fire you,” Jesse said.

“Now who wants Humboldt Squid?” Will said, “I made it just for the Holiday occasion!”

“Sure,” Agent said.

“We need Ben and Kevin though,” Falco said.

“Stormhalt go get them,” Agent said.

“Yes sire,” Stormhalt said, heading downstairs.

Back at the morgue…

“How dare you cut us off in mid-sentence!” Kevin shouted.

The creature slowly walked forward, mumbling something that sounded like the word ‘Brains’. “Dude…Ben,” Kevin said, “It’s you.”

“Yeah, yeah…I noticed, this is what you get for making a recurring joke about me dying,” Ben said, he slowly pulled a gun from his pocket.

“This is a kid’s show! You’re not supposed to be carrying a gun!” Kevin exclaimed.

“Yeah well I’m going to have to kill myself,” Ben said, aiming the gun at his undead counterpart.

Slowly from the rest of the morgue the other eight dead Bens surfaced. “I say we should head for the elevator,” Kevin said.

“I concur,” Ben said, turning around to run.

The reached the elevator after running through a long hallway and bashing through two doors.

Kevin clicked the ‘up’ button, “Speak password,” a computer voice said.

“W-wa-what??!!” Kevin stammered, “A password!”

“Agent said he put it in for security measures!” Ben said.

“Well do you know the password?” Kevin asked.

“Yeah it’s um….um…” Ben said.

“C’mon they’re getting closer!” Kevin said.

“Um…” Ben said, rolling his eyes.

“Hurry!” Kevin said, as the zombies busted through the doors and walked towards their prey.

“Speak password,” the computer repeated.

“Architeuthis!” Ben proclaimed.

The elevator opened as the two commentators rushed over, running over Stormhalt. The zombies crept over, one reached his hands in, and only to have it severed in the elevator door spewing blood all over the three people inside.

“Augh blood augh!” Stormhalt said, trying to wipe the blood of him, as he began hyperventilating.

“Oh that’s right you’re a hemophobe!” Kevin said.

“Man, no discrimination! No…” Ben said.

“I said HEmophobe not Homophobe,” Kevin said.

Stormhalt was breathing deeply and almost passing out in his utter fear of blood. The hand still squirmed around inside the elevator, but it couldn’t reach anyone inside of it. Ben tried to calm Stormhalt, “C’mon buddy think of how safe we are inside this nice thick metal elevator!”

“Shhhh!” Kevin said, “You’ll trigger his claustrophobia!”

“Sorry! Forget all that!” Ben said.

Stormhalt still struggled to get his breath, but slowly calmed down as Kevin tried to tell him to breathe slowly.

Back at the top…

“Finally those guys are coming up,” Agent said.

“I’m hungry,” Jesse said.

“The Squid is getting cold,” Will said.

Finally the elevator came to a halt, the three commentators inside. Ben pulled Stormhalt up, while Kevin ran out carrying the severed zombie arm. “Ewwww….” Will said, setting the squid down on the table, “What the heck is that??!!”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” said Kevin.

“It’s a squid, your turn,” Will said.

“It’s a severed arm,” Kevin said.

“And why do you have a severed arm,” Will asked.

“I thought I told you Will was going to make dinner,” Agent said.

“Okay,” Jesse said, “Shut up! I don’t care if you are chairman! That joke pushed it too far! This is a kid’s show! No cannibalism jokes!”

“Oh come on they did it in Monty Python,” Agent said.

“No what they did in Monty Python was have a bunch of crazed audience goers barge on them who were upset with the nature,” Jesse said, “Additionally there were no children present.”

“How do you know?” Agent asked.

“Why do you have a severed hand?” Will interrupted.

“We have a situation,” Kevin said.

“And it’s all your fault!” Ben said, pointing upward.

“It’s not the narrator’s fault,” Kevin said, “The morgue is overrun with the undead.”

“Zombies?” Will said, “But nobody has died on this show.”

“Um….We did have one continuing recurring gag though…Remember?” Kevin said.

“I’VE DIED!” Ben said, “It’s always ‘Oh my god you killed Benny’ oh-ho-ho! ‘You Bastards’!”

“Really?” Agent asked.

“Really we didn’t even ask Trey or Matt for permission to use that line!” Ben stammered.

“So basically we’ve got a lot of Bens running around,” Jesse said.

“Wanting to eat people’s brains,” Will added, setting the Humboldt squid down.

“Great,” Jesse said.

“So what do we do?” Will said.

“Who can help us,” Agent asked.

“Burt Gummer,” Ben said.

“No…He’s not real,” Agent said.

“Terminator….” Stormhalt whispered, finally gaining his wits back.

“What?” Agent said.

“Terminator,” Stormhalt said.

“Terminator?” Agent repeated.

Stormhalt nodded, “I have one, shut down, in my quarters, and we can turn him on and have him fight the undead.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Agent said.

“And we’re going to trust a man who suffers from Anatodaephobia?” Kevin said.

“You sure this will work…Or even that there are undead?!” Agent asked.

“You got a better idea Machiavellian?” Falco asked.

“No,” Agent said.

“Then let’s go,” Falco said.

The commentators rushed to try and get the elevator to work; however, it was not working for some reason. Such they were forced to run downstairs. “Ben!” Agent shouted, “How are you buddy!”

“Agent,” Ben said, from behind him, “I’m right behind you.”

“Then how come all of the zombies look just like you??!” Agent asked.

“Recurring gag remember?” Ben said.

“Oh yeah,” Agent said.

The zombies lurched forward having made good time and were already advancing levels in pursuit of their meal. Agent knocked over the zombies with a telekinetic wave, as he and the others dashed past them. Down to flights of stairs and two the left, Stormhalt’s room. There it stood: The T-800, “Wouldn’t it be better if we called in Major Alan ‘Dutch’ Schaefer?” Ben suggested.

“I don’t think everyone will appreciate that reference,” Will said.

“NO!” Falco said, “I can’t believe Agent even considering hiring him over me.”

“Why don’t we hire Governor Schwarzenegger while we’re at it?” Jesse suggested.

“How about we call both?” Kevin said.

Stormhalt meanwhile was sealing the door as the zombies attempted to bash down the door. After he had done this he rushed over with Ben to turn on the Terminator. “Work faster!” Agent said.

“I’m working as fast as I can!” Ben said.

Stormhalt ignored them and continued to try and work. Agent shoved the commentator out of the way and pulled out his sonic screwdriver, again making a controversial move on the copyright terms. Agent turned it on and began working on the Terminator. Suddenly it sprung to life, “I’ll be back!” it said.

“Good! We’re running out of pages!” Kevin said.

“Now everyone out the back door!” Stormhalt said.

“What back door?” Agent said.

“The vent!” Will pointed out.

“Vents. Why does it always have to be vents?” Agent asked.

“Just get in,” Stormhalt said.

The Terminator was first then Ben, then Falco, Agent, Will, Jesse, Stormhalt, and Kevin. “Why am I last?” Kevin asked.

“This is almost as bad as the time we nearly hired Stewie Griffin over Stormhalt,” Agent said.

…

……

“What the deuce?” Ben asked.

“We have a clip of that?” Agent asked, “Oh guess not.”

The Terminator shot through the vent and walked out. “We need a distraction to get the undead Bens over here,” Kevin said.

“I wish you would stop calling them Bens,” Ben said.

“I have an idea,” Agent said.

Half a scene later…

Agent, Ben, and Falco strode around the corner to the zombies, while Kevin held a CD player. “Ready?” Agent asked.

The other three nodded, “1…2…3!!” Agent said.

Agent began to dance and sing:

“It’s peanut butter jelly time!!!
Peanut butter jelly time!!!
Peanut Butter jelly time!!”

He continued to sing, “now Where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?
Now There he go
There he go
There he go
There he go

Peanut buttery jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly!”

As Agent backed up the other three did there line: “Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat
Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!”

The zombies lurched forward following the dancing group; however the zombies were much quicker than anticipated. One grabbed Agent it bit into his hand, severing it from the middle of the palm. “Ow!” Agent said, “What did you do that for?!!”

He kicked the zombie away, as another lunged for Ben. This one bit into his shoulder, as another zombie bit into his neck. Ben screamed…

This scene has been cut due to violent nature….

“Oh my God they killed Benny!” Kevin said, trying not to vomit.

“The bastards…” Falco said.

“More like Benny killed Benny,” Agent pointed out.

“Agent you’re bleeding!” Jesse said.

“Well let’s get these zombies off our trail first,” Will said.

“Why do I have no dialogue??!” Stormhalt asked.

The commentators ran away as the zombie Bens followed over the freshly killed latest Ben rose up. “I’m really, really hungry,” Agent said.

“Well right now what you need is medical attention,” Jesse said, “You seem remarkably unfazed for having just lost a hand.”

They rounded the corner as the Terminator walked in, in slow motion.

The following scene has been cut for reasons of gore, violence, and foul language. While we’d regularly enjoy such things we’ve done this to appease the censors and retain the massive profits that come from the parents of our younger viewers. Thank you.

Please enjoy this entirely unrelated clip supplied below while the scene begins, progresses, and then concludes.

http://weebls-stuff.com/toons/badgers

Thank you weebls-stuff for letting us use their product…

“Cool the Terminator eliminated all of the zombies in less than six minutes!” Kevin said.

“You were timing??!” Jesse asked.

“Now to get on with Holiday dinner?” Will asked.

“Yes,” Agent said, “I think we can…We need to burn these bodies though…So they don’t resurrect anytime soon.”

After burning those bodies…In the med bay…

“Well as far as I can tell you’re perfectly alright aside from…blood loss,” Jesse said, “I’m surprised you didn’t loose more blood…And you have a cut on your chest which I think is a birthmark.”

“So why didn’t I react to the Trioxin like Ben did?” Agent asked.

“I can’t answer that right now,” Jesse said, “Only more tests will tell.”

“Can we go eat?” Agent asked.

“Yeah I think we can,” Jesse said.

In the Mess hall…

“Now let’s dig in,” Will said.

“I’m thirsty,” Agent said.

“You just had two gallons of Cow’s milk! What more do you want you creep?!!” Falco said.

“Yeah and you’ve eaten half the squid!” Kevin said.

“Euck,” Stormhalt said.

Suddenly Agent began to quiver and twitch, his eyes began to glow a deep red. Suddenly a fresh hand shot out of his hand stub. The hand was covered in blood and smelt just slightly of vegetable oil. Everyone dropped what they were doing and stared at their chairman as his eyes returned to their regular blue coloration.

Stormhalt ran off to the bathroom, attempting not to vomit. “So Agent you want to tell us how you did that,” Will said.

“Quiet honestly, I don’t know,” Agent said.

“Now I really want a sample of your blood,” Jesse said, pulling out a needle and syringe.

Stormhalt walked in, only to run back at the sight of the needle. “Hey don’t stick me with that,” Agent said.

Jesse slowly put it in Agent’s arm. “Ugh that creeps me out,” Agent said, watching the needle slide into his vein.

Jesse pulled it out then put the syringe, after deposing of the needle, into his lab coat. Stormhalt walked back in and sat down. “Now let’s finish eating,” Falco said.

And the screen cut to black as the credits roll by to ‘Auld Lang Syne’…

Happy Holidays Everyone from all of us at TDWF: Trans-dimensional Daikaiju Wrestling Federation.