TDWF Episode 13

TDWF XIII: Resurrection and Revenge

“Nice title isn’t it?” Agent said.

“Yeah but it isn’t clear until you’ve read the script,” Jesse said.

“Meh true,” Agent said.

“Back too the script, speaking of which,” Jesse said, “My Agent you seem to be acting much better.”

“Thank you,” Agent said, bowing.

“What happened anyway,” Falco asked.

“Psychic output into my head,” Agent said.

“Ow…” Will said, “That had to hurt.”

“Oh and a notice to our audience Kevin and Stormhalt are currently in therapy to deal with Stormhalt’s kleptomania,” Falco announced.

“You sure that’s safe,” Will said, “Stormhalt is a claustrophobic.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Jesse said.

“I don’t know it’s just a recurring gag that we call Stormhalt afraid of something different each week,” Will said.

“Oh,” Jesse said.

“You know,” Falco said, “It surprises me that we haven’t gotten on to the story arc yet.”

“Yeah,” Will said.

“Where’s Ben?” Agent said.

“He’s filling in for Stormhalt,” Will said.

“Ah,” Agent said.

“There is nothing to do,” Falco said, “I mean there’s no villain.”

“I’m going downstairs,” Agent said, “I have something to take care of.”

“You do that,” Jesse said, “No more psychic outputs we’re already over-budget here.”

Downstairs…

Agent went to his room and pulled out a dark blue war coat, he put it on and wore a white suit-like top underneath. He looked at himself in the mirror as his blue eyes slowly shifted to a green. His hair suddenly got spiked, yet it was neither wet nor static. ‘Agent’ cracked his knuckles and stared at his reflection, “Honey,” he said, “I’m home!”

He examined the sinister mark on his chest; he never did wash it off, not because he was lazy but because it wouldn’t. ‘Agent’ slid on an obsidian ring with some sort of hieroglyphics on it. He then went further downstairs.

Upstairs…

“So shall we get on with the first battle?” Falco asked.

“We’re only two pages in,” Will said, “We never start this early.”

“I get the feeling something bad is about to happen,” Falco said.

“Oh stop worrying even though we have cast cutbacks we can still do the show,” Jesse said.

Suddenly a message came up on the computer, Will clicked it. “Hey good news!” he proclaimed.

“What?” Jesse said.

“The writer finally came up with ideas for post-season five stories!” Will shouted.

“You mean people actually want this show still on the air?!” Jesse said, “We have the worst plotlines and gags since Family Guy!”

“Hey Family Guy was popular enough to be revived by DVD sales,” Will said.

Downstairs…

“Victory is mine!” ‘Agent’ whispered, creeping into the SMURF room.

Upstairs…

“First match!” Falco shouted.

Oodako vs. King Seesar

Oodako crept into the arena, easy not to alert his feline opponent to his presence. The snap of a tree that was to the Giant Octopus like a twig; King Seesar immediately cocked his head in curiosity.

Oodako looked up at the taller monster and grinned, King Seesar charged forward. Oodako rolled out of the way and spread a tentacle across the lion monster’s path. King Seesar fell, but rolled forward and quickly stood back up. The giant Octopus continued to stare back into King Seesar’s eyes.

King Seesar leapt forward and attempted to kick the cephalopod contender. Oodako ducked but grabbed a hold of King Seesar’s legs; he then crept up them and on to his chest. The arthropod archrival began to strangle his…

“Octopuses aren’t arthropods!” Jesse shouted.

Whatever…Anyway King Seesar gasped for air as Oodako continued to strangle him. King Seesar finally snapped forward and bit the cephalopod in the head. Oodako screamed and leapt backward, letting go. King Seesar leapt up stomped the Octopus and then dropped kick him into the ocean.

….
…

A few seconds passed and a white flag slowly bobbed to the surface. KING SEESAR WINS!

“Agent sure has been gone long,” Falco said.

“Meh, that ET can take care of himself,” Jesse said.

“Don’t make fun of that movie!” Will said.

“I could never get into is personally,” Falco said.

“Me either,” Jesse said.

“Anyway on to SMURF!” Will said.

Downstairs…

“Hello and welcome to SMURF!” Ben said, “Small Monster ur…rats…f**k I can’t remember what it stands for.”

Agent crept up behind Ben and placed a device on his head. Agent spoke into a microphone. “Testing, testing,” Agent said, “One two three testing.”

Ben’s eyes light up and stared blankly forward, “Testing, testing,” Ben said, “One two three testing.”

“Excellent,” Agent said.

“Excellent,” Ben repeated.

“If your blue and you don’t know where to go to,” Agent sang.

“Puttin’ on the Ritz!” Ben sang.

“Not my part but still good,” Agent said outside the microphone, he then said into the microphone, “Praise Dark Lord SY!”

“Praise Dark Lord SY,” Ben shouted.

“Now on to our next match,” Agent said, Ben then repeated.

Ernie the Giant Chicken vs. Reek

Ernie marched into the arena he crowed and began to scratch the ground. The Reek simply trotted, unfazed by the giant Chicken’s presence. Ernie ran forward and the Reek began to charge forward. The Reek lowered its horns and smashed into a flurry of feathers. But Ernie is a bird and he jumped atop the charging alien rhinoceros.

The Giant Chicken jumped off and squawked and he then pulled out a laser blaster. The Reek charged forward but Ernie shot it as it ran past him, killing the beast instantly. Ernie dove out of the way as the dead body shot past, its red scales reflecting the sunlight.

Ernie leapt up and crowed triumphantly over his victory. Suddenly a bullet shot through his head, killing the king of cockerels instantly. “It’s just been revoked,” a man in a white suit said, adjusting his gun.

“Peter,” his dog said, coming from out the shadows, “He really didn’t set you up for that Lethal Weapon line.”

Peter blew the smoke off his gun, “I’ll have what she’s having,” Peter said.

“Peter I don’t see why we had to come all the way out to Hawaii to shoot a chicken,” Lois said.

“Because Lois,” Peter said, “the Chicken gave me a bad coupon.”

Suddenly Falco ran out, “Alright people move out Private Property! Private Property!” he shouted.

“Hey you can’t do this; this is AMERICA,” Peter protested.

“Yeah I’m going to press charges of trespassing and interference if you don’t leave now sir!” Falco said.

“Well where’s the law around here, huh? I’ve got a buddy who’s a cop who’d love to kick your butt if he wasn’t paralyzed!” Peter said.

“I am the law here,” Falco said, shoving them out, “Stay in your own freaking TV show!”

With the guest stars from Family Guy out of the picture, Falco stood proud. FALCO WINS!

“Another weird battle,” Agent said, Ben repeated.

Agent went upstairs, Ben following closely behind him. Falco took a sip of coffee, “Agent,” he said, “It’s not Halloween, it was your idea not to do a special.”

Agent cocked his head at an odd angle, “Agent?” he whispered, and he then added “I was in a different outfit sort of mood.”

“Next match,” Will said.

Zigra vs…

“Hey! HEY!” Agent said waving his hands, “This is my moment to shine the freaking FFC! I AM BLEEDING TALKING!”

“So what you’re going to be all risqué and stuff?” Falco said.

“H**l yeah,” Agent said.

“You know we should be getting back to Zigra’s round,” Will said.

“Who the heck cares about Zigra?!!” Agent protested, “Come, I have need for you.”

“What did you loose your Doctor Who DVDs again? I’m not helping you find them again,” Jesse said.

“Hey who unplugged this?” Falco said, looking at the LRDSR.

Everyone began to look around before their eyes settled on Ben, who was currently entirely unaware of anything around him; then their eyes shifted to Agent.

ZIGRA WINS!!!

“Great just great,” Jesse said, “Now we missed the battle…”

Agent suddenly clicked a button on his watch, and all five commentators vanished in a blue light.

On board the Lsy Bams…

“Lsy Bams?” Falco said.

“It was supposed to be an acronym, bloody typos,” Agent said.

“Where are we?” Jesse said, rubbing his head.

“Don’t you get it?” Agent said.

“Get what?” Jesse said.

“I AM DARK LORD SY,” Agent chuckled manically.

“Yes, yes we know!” Jesse and Falco shouted.

“You told us this in the first season!” Will said.

“What does LSYBAMS stand for anyway,” Falco asked.

“Lord SY’s big ass mothership,” Ben said.

“That’s lame even by your/Agent’s standards,” Falco said.

“And why do you need our help,” Will said, “You tried to kill us last time.”

“I need your help because I am being put on trial by the Emperor Ctogo,” SY said.

“Didn’t we destroy him last season,” Jesse asked.

“Yeah, small little cardboard fellow,” Will added.

“No you idiot that was Shaw,” SY said.

“Why are you gathering people who will testify against you?” Falco said, “Shouldn’t you be killing us?”

“Shut up!” Jesse whispered to Falco.

“I need you to testify for me,” SY said, “Testify for Agent, it’s not lying it’s just bending the truth just slightly.”

“And what do we get in return?” Jesse asked.

“Your life and your liberty,” SY said.

“And if we refuse?” Will said.

SY extended a hand and telekinetically pulled Ben into his arms. “I kill the kiwi,” He said, grinning, holding his hands around Ben’s head, “Wait, didn’t I kill you last season?”

Ben didn’t flinch, “The Machiavellian megalomaniac has him in some sort of mind control device!” Jesse noticed, he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and pointed it at Ben.

Ben suddenly broke free, “WTQ??!” he shouted, “Get me out of here!”

“Hey you can’t do that!!” Fluffy’s voice suddenly broke through, letting Ben go.

“Yes I can Fluffy!” SY snapped back at himself.

“You agreed to let the TDWF be!” Fluffy said.

“I can do what I want; I’m not living my empire to decay in my absence!” SY said, “I don’t care about these puny mortals and their lime trees!”

“What is with you and limes?!” Fluffy said.

“They taste horrible!” SY said.

SY suddenly grabbed himself by the neck, “Either join with me or Fluffy gets it,” SY said, “And you’re never getting off this ship.”

Falco suddenly held out a gun and shot SY in the leg, SY snapped Fluffy’s neck by twisting it at a 460° angle with a distinctive cracking noise, which was in fact his own as well. Falco shot SY again in the head, then in the chest. “Should have done that along time ago,” he said.

“Wasn’t that just a little bit too gory,” Will said.

“He’ll recover,” Falco said.

Jesse took a pulse, “No, I don’t think so,” he said, “He’s dead…”

“Final match,” Ben said.

Zigra vs. King Seesar

King Seesar marched into the arena and Zigra quietly slithered into the arena….

“We’re back!” Kevin said.

“Hello,” Stormhalt said, taking a nickel he saw on the floor.

“Anyone?” Kevin said.

Stormhalt saw a letter on the table, underneath Kevin’s coffee mug. He handed it to Kevin, Kevin read aloud:

Dear Kevin and Stormhalt,
We regret to inform you that due to the second advent of the glorious Dark Lord SY your friends and your business have been taken hostage in a role to save the most glorious emperor of the galactic quadrants. If you wish to be involved yourself please call 1-411811-1215184-1915 to speak to an imperial representative. On behalf of the entire SY Empire thank you for your corporation…

“Oh-no,” Kevin said.

“Oh-no,” Stormhalt said.

“OH YEAH!” The Kool-Aid guy said, bursting through the walls.

“AHHHHHHH!” Stormhalt said, running away.
“Wrong episode,” Kevin said.

“Ah crap,” The Kool-Aid guy said, going away.

ZIGRA WINS!!!

Back in space…

“Ah crap,” Jesse said.

Ben chuckled, “I survived an episode!” he cheered.

Suddenly SY’s once dead hand clinched, Ben’s body burst into flames and the New Zealander instantly burst into flames, incinerating him instantly. SY’s head turned around 460° degrees, cracking again, his head healed and he stood up. “You killed Benny…again,” Falco said.

“Double bastard,” Jesse said.

“And you four are next,” SY grinned, as his minions began to walk in phalanx formation behind him…

To be continued…