TDWF 15

TDWF 15: Paul McGann we hardly knew ye

“Alright,” Christopher Eccleston said, “So I’m in the middle of a shoot and then I get this phone call saying that the UN wants me to aid with some sort of International crisis, and that I am to leave immediately. Now which one of you wants to tell me what’s up?”

“Oh my gosh it’s the DOCTOR!!!” Ben shouted.

“Oy, I’m not the Doctor,” Christopher Eccleston said, “Well not anymore.”

“Well there’s a spaceship about to crash into Earth carrying a number of hostiles and a giant monkey,” Stormhalt said, “W-we need help, really badly.”

“Yeah you do really need help, your show reuses the same gags over and over,” Christopher Eccleston said.

“No we don’t!” Ben protested.

“Oh my gosh it’s the DOCTOR!!!” Kevin shouted, upon seeing Christopher Eccleston.

“Just tell me why I would be of any knowledge in this situation?” Christopher Eccleston, “And stop calling me that, just call me Chris.”

“Because the giant monkey up there is David Tennant,” Kevin said, “And being that you both were the Doctor you should be able to help us.”

Back on the ship...

The heroes struggled to find their way downward, through the wreckage that the Great Ape David Tennant caused. “Man this is like that scene in Godzilla,” Ben said, “You know where they crawl through the sewers and Godzilla is doing the same.”

“Let’s just hope we don’t find David,” SY said.

“Hold on,” Jesse said, “I believe we need to make a distinction: In the previous episode Ben was cloned on Earth but he had survived his apparent death onboard the ship as such there are two Bens.”

“Thanks,” SY said, “But I think the audience is smart enough to figure that out on their own.”

“Man I told you we should’ve gotten like Morgan Freeman or Vincent D’Onofrio as a guest star,” Falco said, “But neeeoooo, no one ever listens to me anymore.”

“Hey I’m still voting for Sam Neil,” Will said, “Sam Neil, anyone, anyone?”

“How about Russell Crowe?” SY suggested.

“Ugh no,” Jesse said.

“Look can we just focus on escaping,” Falco said, “How does a 300 foot monkey just disappear?”

“Well the ship is thrice the size of Manhattan,” Agent said, “I don’t think it can be that hard. Tennant is no idiot, he knows not to blow the airlock.”

“Reassuring,” Jesse said.

“Is thrice even a word?” Falco said.

“I hope so,” Agent said.

The commentators scrambled through the hallways trying to find their way to an escape pod. “SY,” Jesse said, “How much further should we have?”

“How the heck should I know?” SY said.

“I thought you said you were an engineer of sorts,” Jesse said.

“I am,” Fluffy proclaimed, who was running the schematics through his head.

Fluffy pointed to two big bulky doors, “Behind those doors should be what we are looking for,” he said, “I helped design this ship you know.”

The Commentators burst through the thick doors, it was a room filled with tables and it smelt like food. “This isn’t the emergency escape room,” Will said.

“I was under the impression that we were looking for food, I’m hungry,” Fluffy said.

“You’re a loony,” SY said.

Despite this Fluffy calmly approached the vendor currently working in the Mess Hall. “Oy, how much is a kronkburger, mate?” Fluffy asked.

“Four quellbackers,” The vendor said.

Fluffy reached into his pocket, “Hey, who cleared out my pockets of quellbackers?!!” he shouted.

“Yeah that was me, sorry!” Agent said, “No use on Earth!”

“I know how to settle this,” SY said, shooting the vendor.

“WHOA!” Falco said, “Enough multiple personalities and enough violence...What an ironic, ironic line...”

“He started it!” One of Agent’s personalities said, as his two hands pointed at each other.

“I’m just throwing this out there,” Jesse said, “But if you had a gun why didn’t you just shoot David to begin with?”

“He might’ve regenerated,” SY said, snidely.

“Look just shut up,” Will said, “We need to get out of here!”

“Relax they don’t know we’re here,” Ben said.

The klaxons suddenly sounded and a guard’s voice came on the intercom, “Intruder sighted in Mess Hall 5!”

“Yet,” Ben added.

“Leaving now!” Jesse said.

“But I’m hungry!” Fluffy said.

Suddenly the entire spaceship shook and rattled. “What was that?!!” Will said, struggling to stay standing up.

SY was merely floating in the air, “Oh that?” he said, “That’s just the ship entering the atmosphere.”

The heroes ran down the hall, SY was hovering, “Stop showing off and just run like a regular human being!” Falco shouted.

“Fine,” Agent said.

Suddenly an armed guard wielding a plasma rifle stepped out, “Freeze in the name of Ctógò!” he shouted.

The heroes put their hands up, except for Agent, who calmly walked forward. “What are you going to do to me ‘Lord’ SY, kill me, smite me with your godly powers,” the guard taunted.

SY raised his hand and telepathically grabbed the guard by the throat, “I find your lack of faith disturbing,” SY said, straggling him with his telekinesis.

“Enough of these rip-offs,” Jesse said, “SY, release him!”

“As you wish,” SY said.

The guard gasped for air, SY took out his gun and shot him in the head. “Hey knock it off!” Will said.

“Better them than me,” Ben said, “And anyway he was wearing red.”

Will inspected the shirt, “I guess,” he said.

Falco took the gun from the dead guard, “Hey there’s an elevator!” Jesse said.

“And I have an idea!” Falco said.

Five minutes later, downstairs...

The Elevator opened up, Guildenstern was there, and he saw the body of his dead comrade. There was something on the dead guard’s shirt, Guildenstern examined it closely, “Now I have a plasma rifle,” he said, reading the words written in blood on the shirt, “Ho-ho-ho.”

Running down the stairs with the heroes...

“I don’t get it,” Ben said.

“I don’t see why we have to run down the stairs,” Jesse grumped.

“Relax its good for you,” Falco said, “Wait...I thought Agent broke his leg last episode...”

“I did,” Agent said, “I heal quickly.”

“I guess...” Falco said.

Back on Earth...

“So am I going to fight David or what,” Christopher Eccleston asked.

“Just wait...” Kevin said.

“First match!” Ben shouted.

Titanosaurus vs. Zigra

“Whoa!” Chris said pointing out the window and upward, “What is that?!”

He pointed upward toward a twinkling light, “Oh that?!” Ben said, “That’s the spaceship crashing.”

“AHHHHH!!!” Stormhalt said, turning around and running away, screaming.

“I thought you said I was going up to fight David in a spaceship,” Chris said.

“Well it’s a bit difficult to land in the spaceship considering its crashing,” Kevin said.

“I see, fantastic,” Chris said, sarcastically, “So do you guys actually do anything?”

“Nah,” Ben said, “We just sit here and commentate.”

“Don’t you pay any attention at all to the monster fights?” Chris asked.

“Of course all the attention goes to the kaiju,” Kevin said.

ZIGRA WINS!!!

“Who won?” Ben said.

“There was a fight going on?” Stormhalt asked.

Back on the ship...

“Just a little further and we should be in the fighter bay,” Fluffy said.

“I hope so,” Jesse said, panting, “I don’t want to think running down five miles of stairs was for nothing.”

“I’m hungry now,” Will said.

“There’s bound to be a vending machine around here somewhere,” SY said.

Everyone stared at SY, “What,” he said, “These things always have vending machines.”

“Food would be lovely right now,” Falco said, “But I thought Agent ditched all your quellbackers.”

“I did,” Agent said, “But I always keep a Qyar handy.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Fluffy said.

“A what?” Jesse stammered.

“5 zimmers to a puul, 5 puuls to a qyar, 5 qyars to a quellbacker, 5 quellbackers to a bink, 5 binks to a jaichi,” Fluffy said.

“Ugh,” Jesse said, “Too much random wordage.”

“That’s just because you don’t understand galactic currency,” Agent said.

“Look there’s the bay door!” Will shouted.

“How do you figure,” SY asked, inspecting the door.

“The fact that it has bay door written in big letters across it,” Will said.

“Ah,” SY said.

“Well open it!” Falco protested.

Agent slid his hand over a scanner and the door opened, revealing a small flight of stairs, but in the massive bay level the sounds of plasma rifles, metal being crushed, and men screaming for mercy was heard. “What the heck is going on?!!” Ben shouted.

Falco looked forward, “Something tells me that David has beat us to the bay,” he said, ominously.

As if on cue David Tennant, the Great Ape, stepped forward roaring at Ctógò’s men. “Open fire!” One of the men shouted.

The plasma rifles had no effect as the giant feet of the Great Ape smashed down on the henchmen. “We should find a ship now,” Will said.

“Why?” Agent said, “None of us know how to fly them!”

“I can fly anything,” Falco said, “I could fly before I could drive.”

“Show off,” SY muttered.

“Let’s just do it before he sees us,” Jesse said.

“Who?” SY asked.

“Him,” Jesse said, gesturing with his head toward David.

“Who??” SY stammered.

“Heeeemmm,” Jesse said, gesturing with his head again.

“I don’t get who he means,” SY said.

“Him,” Jesse whispered loudly.

SY struggled to look beyond Jesse but could not figure it out, “Who?” SY asked, “There’s like 200 guys behind you.”

“Him,” Jesse said, pointing at David.

“I’m still not getting it,” SY said.

“THE FREAKING MONKEY!!!” Jesse shouted.

“Oh ho-ho, whose a f**king monkey?” David chuckled, “It’s you guys again! Muwa-ha-hah-ha!”

The Great Ape sped forward crushing the guards in his wake, laughing manically. “Elevator, elevator, now!” Falco said, leading the commentators toward the elevator.

Will frantically pushed the up button, “It’s not working!” He said, sadly.

“DANG IT!” Jesse shouted.

The commentators instead were forced to run back inside the stairwell. Luckily the walls of the fighter were much thicker than in other halls. David pounded and roared, “Galick Gun,” he shouted,.

But the energy blast was rendered useless against the bulk head and it reflected back and hit David, knocking him out. “Ugh ow,” David said, before falling asleep.

The commentators ran up the stairwell once more, “Hey look a vending machine!” Jesse said.

They ran to it, “Ah there’s only Lay’s,” Falco said.

“Lay’s eww...” Agent said.

“It’s still food!” Will said, “Quick, Agent give me a quagmire or coconut or quagga or whatever it’s called.”

“It’s called a quellbacker,” Agent said, handing the green coin to Will.

Will placed it in the machine and bought the bag of chips, “Give me that, I’m hungry!” SY said, stealing it from Will.

“Hey its mine!” Will said.

“No,” SY said, “Its mine!”

“Dang it now I’m hungry stop talking about food!” Jesse shouted.

Will and SY engaged in a tug-a-war over the bag of chips. “Why are we even fighting over a bag of chips? Its Lay’s, Lay’s suck!” Falco said.

“But its food,” SY shouted, “Now give-me-that! I am Lord SY and you will obey-me!”

SY and Will suddenly tugged with all their might splitting the bag into two and then flinging it into the middle of the stairwell, where there were in fact no stairs.

“Now look what you’ve done!” SY shouted.

“Agent quick, give me another quailbarker,” Will said, extending his hand.

“That was my last one,” Agent stammered.

“And that was our only food,” Jesse moaned.

“Gah,” Falco growled, “Now I’m hungry.”

“Not my problem,” SY said, “Let’s eat Ben.”

“WHAT?!!” Ben shuddered.

“You die in every episode,” SY continued, “I don’t see what the deal is, I mean I’ve eaten other people before.”

The other commentators shivered at the thought, “Let’s just try to find our way off this ship,” Falco said, “Let’s go down that hall.”

Falco pointed to a door, “Why,” Jesse inquired.

“Because my gut is telling me too,” Falco said.

“Did you have to say gut,” Jesse said, holding his, “I’m hungry!”

The commentators burst through the door, there was a corridor but it quickly ended in what appeared to be a giant gap. “I’m guessing this is how Davy boy got into the Fighter Bay,” Falco noted.

“I concur,” Will said.

“Now how do we get across,” Falco contemplated.

“We could jump,” Agent suggested.

“You go and do that,” Jesse said, snidely.

Agent walked up to the gap and simply jumped across, “How the heck did he do that?” Will asked.

“My home planet has five times as much gravity!” Agent said.

“Yeah but how do we get across,” Falco said.

Ben reached into his pocket and produced a grappling gun. “Where’d you get that?!” Jesse said.

“I stole it from Christian Bale when I asked him to be a guest star,” Ben chuckled.

“Another good guest star!” Falco shouted.

“Well just fire the thing,” Jesse said.

Ben fired the gun as it latched on to the other side, “I’ll go first,” Ben said.

“No, I wanna go first!” Falco said.

“I’m the most expendable character,” Ben said, “Let me do it.”

Falco nodded as Ben swung across, “HOLY S**T!!” Ben said, as he landed on the other side.

Ben then whispered quietly while swinging the rope across, “Davy boy is right there,” he said, pointing downward, “Don’t wake the monkey up!”

Back on Earth...

“Man I should of called Bruce Willis,” Kevin said, looking up at the approaching spaceship.

“Are you saying I’m not good enough,” Chris asked.

“No your fine,” Kevin said.

“Shall we get on with the next match?” Ben asked.

“No,” Stormhalt said, “Tennant is still in the air, he has to land.”

“Ugh,” Ben said.

“Just star the fight,” Chris said, “I’m bored out of my skull.”

“Okay fine,” Kevin said.

SpaceGodzilla vs. Zigra

SpaceGodzilla roared and flew into the arena then he landed and roared even louder. Zigra was actually quiet terrified of his opponent. SpaceGodzilla suddenly noticed the spaceship crashing behind Zigra, he pointed. Zigra spun around as SpaceGodzilla shot crystalline missiles forward.

Meanwhile onboard the ship...

The commentators burst through another door after just barely passing through the massive gap. The clicking of plasma rifles was heard as three dozen gunmen aimed at the heroes. Falco chuckled nervously, dropped his gun, and put his hands up. A caped figure turned around revealing the face of Ctógò. “Um, I guess can we have any of the charges dropped?” Will chuckled.

“Actually,” Ctógò said, gesturing for his guards to put down their weapons, “I have a bit of a proposition for you.”

To be continued...